Hi Ladies, I am ashamed of this, Possible Triggers!
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi Ladies, I am ashamed about this, but I do want your opinions.
the chaotic years 1968 - 1972 Triggers
the chaotic years 1968 - 1972 Triggers
Hi Ladies, I am ashamed of this, Possible Triggers!
- Thread starterlostcowboy
- Start date
No need to be ashamed.
It sounds to me like you spent a lot of time feeling uncomfortable, powerless, confused, and scared, and that you learned a lot of terrifying lessons about how men use sex and how men use women.
I would guess that a lot of the actions that shame you now were your best attempts at communicating and processing some of those feelings.
We have to learn new and better ways to communicate and process, even if we have a nagging feeling that the old ways are wrong, we don't know how to do anything else unless we see it put into practice.
There are other, healthier, ways for you to share and process your feelings now. You can take back your power. You can learn new truths about sex and relationships that do not involve abuse, fear, and shame, and as you learn them you can begin to reject the old lies.
Sounds difficult, but exciting.
That's my opinion.
It sounds to me like you spent a lot of time feeling uncomfortable, powerless, confused, and scared, and that you learned a lot of terrifying lessons about how men use sex and how men use women.
I would guess that a lot of the actions that shame you now were your best attempts at communicating and processing some of those feelings.
We have to learn new and better ways to communicate and process, even if we have a nagging feeling that the old ways are wrong, we don't know how to do anything else unless we see it put into practice.
There are other, healthier, ways for you to share and process your feelings now. You can take back your power. You can learn new truths about sex and relationships that do not involve abuse, fear, and shame, and as you learn them you can begin to reject the old lies.
Sounds difficult, but exciting.
That's my opinion.
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi Kolisha, both yours and SAR's opinions are important to me, as both of you are SA survivors. I am also interested in the opinions of the other ladies on here.
I am ashamed that I had any sexual feelings for my mother. I am ashamed, that I was too afraid to even try to protect my mother from my step-dad.
I have read in one book on sex, that it is not unusual for guys to be attracted to their moms, when going through puberty. But it is one thing to read it, and another thing to talk about it.
I am interested in talking about it with both the ladies and the guys on the site, that's all.
Note, I am not trying to put any pressure on you, if you don't want to talk about it. It's ok.
I am ashamed that I had any sexual feelings for my mother. I am ashamed, that I was too afraid to even try to protect my mother from my step-dad.
I have read in one book on sex, that it is not unusual for guys to be attracted to their moms, when going through puberty. But it is one thing to read it, and another thing to talk about it.
I am interested in talking about it with both the ladies and the guys on the site, that's all.
Note, I am not trying to put any pressure on you, if you don't want to talk about it. It's ok.
Oh! Now I get it!
IMHO:
I think "guilt" is a very awkward emotion - sometimes we bury it so deep that we don't even recognize it. Just the fact that you are addressing these issues at all is a sign of health. I think you are very courageous to share all of this - this is a sign that you are getting ready to stop apologizing to the World for having felt powerless as a youngster.
It's also really difficult to come to grips with the anger & grave disappointment of knowing that someone you are supposed to "look up to" can't be trusted.
As a rape victim, I have a slightly different experience: I had the gift of being able to be infuriated AND to be able to physically fight for my life & my integrity. The element of betrayal didn't come in until after the attack was over, when my family couldn't support me at all in my healing. Unlike your experiences with your Mom, I wasn't confused that the rape could be interpreted as a sign of "love" in any way.
I think your story is a sad & poignant example of how all of these things - the confusion, the guilt, the boundary violations - can come together & cause life-long "adaptations" that, in turn, cause more confusion & pain. But give yourself some slack: the "adaptations" & fellings & behaviors only come about because they are THE BEST you can do at the time. They exist in order to protect yourself & you won't be able to let go of them until you really feel safe.
My opinion? You are well on your way to coming to grips with your past & learning how to move on. It will not be easy & it will take faaaaaaar longer than you can possibly anticipate, but it WILL heal!
Hope this helps.
IMHO:
I think "guilt" is a very awkward emotion - sometimes we bury it so deep that we don't even recognize it. Just the fact that you are addressing these issues at all is a sign of health. I think you are very courageous to share all of this - this is a sign that you are getting ready to stop apologizing to the World for having felt powerless as a youngster.
It's also really difficult to come to grips with the anger & grave disappointment of knowing that someone you are supposed to "look up to" can't be trusted.
As a rape victim, I have a slightly different experience: I had the gift of being able to be infuriated AND to be able to physically fight for my life & my integrity. The element of betrayal didn't come in until after the attack was over, when my family couldn't support me at all in my healing. Unlike your experiences with your Mom, I wasn't confused that the rape could be interpreted as a sign of "love" in any way.
I think your story is a sad & poignant example of how all of these things - the confusion, the guilt, the boundary violations - can come together & cause life-long "adaptations" that, in turn, cause more confusion & pain. But give yourself some slack: the "adaptations" & fellings & behaviors only come about because they are THE BEST you can do at the time. They exist in order to protect yourself & you won't be able to let go of them until you really feel safe.
My opinion? You are well on your way to coming to grips with your past & learning how to move on. It will not be easy & it will take faaaaaaar longer than you can possibly anticipate, but it WILL heal!
Hope this helps.
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi Kolisha, thanks, I don't think I really started to come to grips with all this until I found and got on the site here, and started talking.