Hi, I'm Rene, wife of a survivor

Thanks you for updating us as you can. Jake made a big impression on me in his time here. We are rooting for him, you and your family.
 

ReneB

Registrant
Thanks you for updating us as you can. Jake made a big impression on me in his time here. We are rooting for him, you and your family.

Thank you for the continued positive thoughts for us. We certainly need it right now, I spoke with him on the phone tonight. While he is caught up with his hectic schedule he tells me he misses me terribly. And I tell him the same. We both are seeking counseling simultaneously for these traumas. So I know when he returns we'll both be far better off than before.

I don't think Jake was aware of how gelled you all are in your support for him and me. I've read some of the words of encouragement you all have for both of us and he gets all quiet and thoughtful. He's told me he's grateful for the way you all have supported him while he's going through this; and for having support for his family. Thank you so much @Greg123
 

WG

Registrant
Thanks for the update, Rene. Too bad we don't all live near one another - we would then be able to be his "cheer" crowd upon is return. Imagine : dozens of survivors all in one place standing behind you cheering, applauding and whistling to greet our brother home.
 

karin4him

Registrant
Happy to hear his physical injuries are healing. I know the time he will still be away seems long, but hopefully he will come home in better shape both physically and mentally So that your longer term future will hold more promise that he is getting the help he need. Best wishes to you all.
 

ReneB

Registrant
Jake will return to you and will be different. A good kind of different, but different nonetheless. He'll have more tools to use, recognize triggers and on and on as you well know. He has you at his side to walk with him - not over his head to rule him not under his foot to be trodden upon but by his side. Where you and he belong.

@WG I had read this through before, and had even responded. But then I read it again and I really felt moved by what you said. Very touching. Thanks

Thanks for the update, Rene. Too bad we don't all live near one another - we would then be able to be his "cheer" crowd upon is return. Imagine : dozens of survivors all in one place standing behind you cheering, applauding and whistling to greet our brother home.

Jake's been gone for 15 days. So we have 45 more days to go. Me and the kids really can't wait for him to come home. Yes, @WG I can certainly imagine that. All of you have a great support for one another.
 
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ReneB

Registrant
Hi Rene,

Thanks again for keeping us all up to date.
Please let him know we are all pulling for him.
Hope you and the kids are doing okay.
Thanks so much @Toad. Everything is going ok for the most part. The 2 youngest are 12 and 13, a son and daughter. They really depend on their father for a great many things. I guess you don't realize what it is you are missing until it is gone. The children help mark off the days on the calendar. That makes them feel some sense of control knowing when he will be back.
 
It is wonderful to see this conversation which demonstrates clearly what happens on this forum all the time. Survivors are aware of the suffering that spills into the worlds we inhabit. Talking with partners of survivors gives us an opportunity to lean into healing with people who understand this world. That we can share one another's pain is a gift. That we can support one another in healing is beautiful. And you, Rene, have engaged with all of us in a way that makes the conversation easier. Hopefully it will benefit you and Jake as you come to terms with what happened to him. Blessings to us all.
 

ReneB

Registrant
It is wonderful to see this conversation which demonstrates clearly what happens on this forum all the time. Survivors are aware of the suffering that spills into the worlds we inhabit. Talking with partners of survivors gives us an opportunity to lean into healing with people who understand this world. That we can share one another's pain is a gift. That we can support one another in healing is beautiful. And you, Rene, have engaged with all of us in a way that makes the conversation easier. Hopefully it will benefit you and Jake as you come to terms with what happened to him. Blessings to us all.

Thank you Visitor. You are always warm and kind. It's people like you who make it easy for spouses and partners to share our experiences.

At the beginning of the week Jake tells me what is on his schedule. He then talks about his accomplishments and hardships. The things that are difficult for him and I give him additional encouragement. He misses us very much. Sometimes he tells me he loves and misses me continually. He says those things with tears. But I try to reassure him and make him smile.

He has told me that his sleep has returned to normal. He told me something that is so true. "Lack of good REM sleep will make you go absolutely bonkers." Those were Jake's words. But he's so right.

I hope other family, spouses and partners can identify with our experience of going through this. This is so "real time".
 

ReneB

Registrant
Hello everyone. I know I'm here rather late. Awoke because of sickness. It happens in my condition. Anyway, I spoke with Jake early tonight. He told me they've intensified his EMDR and Exposure Therapy. The EMDR is addressing all sorts of facets to his life, not just the assault. So this is really good for him. The Exposure Therapy began with his nightmares. His nightmares and panic attacks often center around "bugs" that he's now very fearful of. Coming in contact with so many insects like that traumatized him on other levels. So this Exposure Therapy is supposed to really help him confront that and deal with it calmly without having a panic attack. He told me that they started off gradual with it then they increased to a 90 minute session to prolong his exposure. This is very important for him to confront. I'm going to have a baby. And if he wakes up having nightmares I can't have him accidentally hurting me like he was. He's a very strong man. And he was squeezing me hard and shaking me. I was the one trying to shake him awake. But I couldn't wake him. That's how terrifying his night terrors were. Jake did tell me he is not having the nightmares as often now. He's calmer in his sleep, even with the nightmares. He's been there 3 weeks. As these therapy sessions intensify and their lengths stretch to 90 minutes he will also begin behavioral modification therapy which really began yesterday, on Monday. That will involve modifying some of the behavioral responses he was having and helps him to express himself with less anxiety. Basically replacing something intense with something calmer. Something unpleasant with something pleasant. Employing the opposite of an undesirable behavior. Before he started these different therapy sessions he made lists of all of his goals for each. He's quite aware of the things that he has been fearful of, things he's been avoiding, things he's begun doing as a result of panic, anxiety and fear. He's very aware of his nightmares and what he's afraid of losing.

And it isn't me that even thought to tell you these things. He told me all of this himself tonight. I'm proud of him. He's really putting a great deal of effort into coming back as "himself" as he told me tonight. Again we cried together on the phone. I tell him how the kids miss him. But I miss him even more. And he'll understand more of the reason why when he comes home. I need him now more than ever. But I need him to be emotionally strong. He's on the right track and is looking really well in his therapy.

Oh I forgot to mention. There is a possibility, depending on the testing outcome, that he may come home on May 28th. They will review him and then report to a doctor (Psychiatrist) in his state. I think Jake was so thrilled to hear he could possibly come home a whole week early because his progress has been excellent so far. These next 2 weeks will be the most intense of his therapy. He will need your thoughts and prayers. He's going to feel exhausted emotionally. But they will give him time to recuperate and do yoga, and relax and meditate. They are keeping him balanced. Well back to sleep for me. I feel a bit better now talking. I miss my husband so much. I think coming here really just makes me feel better psychologically.

Rene
 
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Thanks for this report Rene. It feels we're being given a window into what top notch treatment can deliver on so many levels. All of us are carrying trauma that deserves such attention and care. Unfortunately, in the real world we are often limited by available resources and the treatment on offer is occasionally mediocre. We are left to do the best we can. It saddens me that the quality of care with therapists is so spotty. Trauma is very difficult to attend to and even therapists who list "adults abused as children" as within the scope of their practice often are in way over their heads. Finding a therapist who can do this work and whom we can afford is often a challenge.

I'm happy to hear Jake is doing well in that setting. From what he has shared online, I fully expect this work will go well beyond the attack he experienced earlier this year. That is a great gift. We often carry trauma that is never addressed simply because we've found a way to manage life without addressing it. Of course, sixty days is likely not enough to resolve everything there is to address but with Pandora's Box opened, it will be clear what will need ongoing attention. Our healing journey lasts as long as it lasts... it is the beginning that can be most difficult. Going forward we need support and a light touch with ourselves... self-compassion and self-care. Blessings to you both.
 
Thank you for telling us all of this. I often think of and pray for you guys. So glad to here things are progressing well.
 

ReneB

Registrant
Thanks for this report Rene. It feels we're being given a window into what top notch treatment can deliver on so many levels. All of us are carrying trauma that deserves such attention and care. Unfortunately, in the real world we are often limited by available resources and the treatment on offer is occasionally mediocre. We are left to do the best we can. It saddens me that the quality of care with therapists is so spotty. Trauma is very difficult to attend to and even therapists who list "adults abused as children" as within the scope of their practice often are in way over their heads. Finding a therapist who can do this work and whom we can afford is often a challenge.

I'm happy to hear Jake is doing well in that setting. From what he has shared online, I fully expect this work will go well beyond the attack he experienced earlier this year. That is a great gift. We often carry trauma that is never addressed simply because we've found a way to manage life without addressing it. Of course, sixty days is likely not enough to resolve everything there is to address but with Pandora's Box opened, it will be clear what will need ongoing attention. Our healing journey lasts as long as it lasts... it is the beginning that can be most difficult. Going forward we need support and a light touch with ourselves... self-compassion and self-care. Blessings to you both.

I know @Visitor. I'm in complete agreement with you. I wish everyone could receive this same care. It has been so good for him. I know Jake will be dealing with this for a long time. But with how sudden a trauma this was and how his world came crashing down and quite to a hault, I can't tell you how much of a blessing this place is.
 
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WG

Registrant
Thank you Rene, for the update on his progress........and yours (?) - I'm just remembering the pregnancies my wife went through (I don't need to remind you of it all!) and how powerless I felt when she had her "moments". Also, glad to hear Jake is receiving the care and guidance so very much needs. As you might surmise, I was in therapy for a number of years because of CSA, then had to go to work daily and be other people's therapist (Mine were with me due to substance abuse/addiction behavior) and I had Superior Court as well - my employer - to work with. However, we aren't called survivors for nothing!
The intense EMDR will be quite beneficial. I've used it on numerous occasions (both with a client and on myself). Connected with diet, exercise and him having time to himself to process, he will indeed begin to see improvement.
I've already written to you in here what to expect upon his arrival home so I won't repeat myself. Just know it will take a period of adjustment on everyone's part and you will be Chief Adjuster for the home until he re-acclimates.
 

karin4him

Registrant
So happy for both of you and your family. It will be a long road ahead for both of you but he really is taking major steps and owning his recovery. Many happy thoughts and prayers for all of you!!
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Any updates to share with us?
 

Edin

Registrant
Hello everyone. I see I have finally been admitted into this forum. I'm Jake's wife. I promised everyone I would register under my own profile and kept my word. Jake has been away now for a week. That's 1 week down and 7 more to go. My 2 youngest children are asking to see their father. I'm having to generalize the details to them. They ask more questions than the older ones as they are still quite dependent on their father. The rest of my children are quite independent and self-sufficient and accepted my explanations just fine.

I have much to tell Jake when he gets home. But I couldn't tell him over the phone. There are things you just have to say face to face.

Speaking of talking over the phone. Jake was not permitted to have his cell phone there. They were adamant. I remember him looking at me like that was my fault and he said, "But I'm a doctor." The administrator said, "None of the visiting residents are allowed to keep a cell phone on the premises but can use the landline if they wish." Jake was calling me every night before dinner. He's doing well on the medication and on the intensive therapy he has set up. Right now he's focusing on 3 types of therapy and is enjoying practicing meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, and running.

Although, I got used to him calling me daily, he didn't call me yesterday or today. I was a little hurt at first. But then I remembered how much of his schedule is probably filled with things to do. He must be too tired to call

I miss him tremendously.

Rene

He is lucky to have someone who cares for him as you do.
 
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