Hi, I'm Rene, wife of a survivor

ReneB

Registrant
Hello everyone. I see I have finally been admitted into this forum. I'm Jake's wife. I promised everyone I would register under my own profile and kept my word. Jake has been away now for a week. That's 1 week down and 7 more to go. My 2 youngest children are asking to see their father. I'm having to generalize the details to them. They ask more questions than the older ones as they are still quite dependent on their father. The rest of my children are quite independent and self-sufficient and accepted my explanations just fine.

I have much to tell Jake when he gets home. But I couldn't tell him over the phone. There are things you just have to say face to face.

Speaking of talking over the phone. Jake was not permitted to have his cell phone there. They were adamant. I remember him looking at me like that was my fault and he said, "But I'm a doctor." The administrator said, "None of the visiting residents are allowed to keep a cell phone on the premises but can use the landline if they wish." Jake was calling me every night before dinner. He's doing well on the medication and on the intensive therapy he has set up. Right now he's focusing on 3 types of therapy and is enjoying practicing meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, and running.

Although, I got used to him calling me daily, he didn't call me yesterday or today. I was a little hurt at first. But then I remembered how much of his schedule is probably filled with things to do. He must be too tired to call

I miss him tremendously.

Rene
 
Last edited:
Rene, when I was admitted to the psych hospital, I wasn't allowed a cell phone either. Very strict rules. And I was so exhausted every day that even though I called my wife religiously, some days I honestly didn't feel like I had the energy. So please try not to be offended.

Sending good wishes to both you and you're husband. It is a very, very difficult situation.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
He's doing well on the medication and on the intensive therapy he has set up. Right now he's focusing on 3 types of therapy and is enjoying practicing meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, and running.

That's great. He's lucky to have recovered so quickly from surgery and sepsis.
 

ReneB

Registrant
He normally runs. I'm assuming he goes for walks right now. He hasn't told me. Jogging and running is what he loves to do. They have a wonderful path there. I'm sure he gets limited time to take a walk or a jog. He's received approval from his doctor to do so.

(Edited and removal of my content here)

*Adding* I think if I say more details about Jake, his assault, and his surgeries or recovery of those surgeries, my husband will only be angry at me for answering questions like that. He's told me to only address my concerns of how I am dealing with things. I will let you guys ask him how he is recovering from his surgery and his therapy when he gets back. I need to stick to the way I feel about what's happening rather than answer someone's curiosity of my husband's surgical details and the length of time his own physician prescribed him to rest until he could walk and exercise. My husband wouldn't appreciate it. And it's totally my fault for forgetting my husband's demands of me. But thank you to you guys who care about his physical health. He's doing well.
 
Last edited:

ReneB

Registrant
Rene, when I was admitted to the psych hospital, I wasn't allowed a cell phone either. Very strict rules. And I was so exhausted every day that even though I called my wife religiously, some days I honestly didn't feel like I had the energy. So please try not to be offended.

Sending good wishes to both you and you're husband. It is a very, very difficult situation.

That is reassuring @Strangeways. I have to keep reminding myself every day that goes by that all of this is for his health and well-being.

It's difficult, though, to go every day as if it is a usual day. But he's not in our bed at night. He's not at the dinner table with me and the children. He's not watching his sports on TV or the boys playing their video games. Or taking his dog for walks. I just miss him.

I miss his voice. I miss a lot of his humor and his charm. He's got a big ego sometimes. But that's part of the man I love. I just want him to come back feeling better and like himself.
 

MaryC

Registrant
That is reassuring @Strangeways. I have to keep reminding myself every day that goes by that all of this is for his health and well-being.

It's difficult, though, to go every day as if it is a usual day. But he's not in our bed at night. He's not at the dinner table with me and the children. He's not watching his sports on TV or the boys playing their video games. Or taking his dog for walks. I just miss him.

I miss his voice. I miss a lot of his humor and his charm. He's got a big ego sometimes. But that's part of the man I love. I just want him to come back feeling better and like himself.
I can't begin to express how sorry I am for what your husband has gone through. You seem like a wonderful partner to him--such devotion and caring. I'm so glad he has you. My situation is much different, as my husband is a survivor of CSA that happened many, many years ago. I can relate to your experience, though, in how devastating it is to see the pain these experiences cause, in how very much I want healing for my husband, in how deeply I wish for him to be utterly free of all the wounding of assault and abuse. My husband is working hard to heal, as I know Jake is doing as well. I just wanted to reach out. I know you miss him terribly. I miss my husband, too, since we have separated as he is focusing on recovery. We are each lucky we have resources, like MS, access to counseling, and lots of love. Take good care of yourself. I know you've heard that advice before... But it can be a difficult task in times like these. Wishing you and Jake all the very best.
 

ReneB

Registrant
@MaryC

Hello Mary. Thank you so much for writing to me. I had imagined there must be some wives, partners or companions of survivors here.

I do agree our husband's assault circumstances are a bit different. Jake told me when he came here that he realized a lot of men had their experiences when they were children and it concerned him that they were still dealing with it. And I had to explain to him that many men never confronted the issues of having been assaulted until they were much older and to compound those issues those men were forced to grow up with it, suppressing it and may have developed issues because of that suppressed trauma.

With Jake, this tragedy happened suddenly to him (and me...I was forced to experience this pain with him). We were forced to deal with it "now". Jake was first diagnosed with ASD (Acute Stress Disorder). But because his symptoms were intensifying in severity and lasting longer than a month I knew his classification was closer to PTSD and might require more therapy than I had initially thought.

He was responding very badly to triggers and his nightmares. He wouldn't wake up and I am too fragile to fight a man in his sleep. He didn't know he was gripping me tightly. Nobody would if they were having his nightmares.

Thank you for reaching out to me Mary. I wish your husband healing of his mind and body. And that both of you will find peace and happiness also. We will get there. That's what I keep telling Jake.

Rene
 

WG

Registrant
Hi Rene - yes this is more than likely one of the most difficult things you've had to do, yet here you are. Another day down. As for the cellphone - when I sent my clients inpatient, it was understood that there was a 30 day blackout period. Barely even any TV or newspapers. They were there to concentrate on recovery. As we know in our work, it all takes time - and a portion of it never goes away no matter what we do. As a survivor, I can say we live with it every day - some days are better than others, but it never truly goes away. Jake will return to you and will be different. A good kind of different, but different nonetheless. He'll have more tools to use, recognize triggers and on and on as you well know. He has you at his side to walk with him - not over his head to rule him not under his foot to be trodden upon but by his side. Where you and he belong.
 

karin4him

Registrant
Hi Rene,
I’m sorry you, Jake and your family are going through this. My husband was abused as a child so our experiences have been different, but here we are 50 years after and he still has not dealt with his trauma. So it is a good thing he is addressing his trauma straight away. Please for your sake and your children, take care of yourself, seek counseling for yourself so you are in the best place mentally and spiritually as possible for your children and to support your husband. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
 

ReneB

Registrant
Hi Rene,
I’m sorry you, Jake and your family are going through this. My husband was abused as a child so our experiences have been different, but here we are 50 years after and he still has not dealt with his trauma. So it is a good thing he is addressing his trauma straight away. Please for your sake and your children, take care of yourself, seek counseling for yourself so you are in the best place mentally and spiritually as possible for your children and to support your husband. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Thank you so much @karin4him. I have been seeing my own counsellor for all of this since it happened. It's one thing being a psychiatrist who deals with these kinds of issues with my own patients. However, it is another thing to find this is happening to your dearest loved one, someone you love, your own husband. I told another person here that it becomes like a vacuum for a person like me, who is involved in psychiatry and therapy. You cannot adequately be objective. You become too involved in the pain and trauma. It then becomes traumatic, in its own way, to you.

Our children, the two oldest (daughter and son), asked me what was going on with their father; as he would have to be gone for 60 days. They are students of law and medicine. I couldn't share much with them, with the exception to tell them that their father was experiencing stress and needed some time to have therapy. Our two high school students don't seem to be affected by all of this, at least not that I'm aware of. Those boys miss their dad but are really wrapped up with school, friends and sports. But the two youngest, (son and daughter), have come to me frequently telling me how much they miss their father. My daughter has even cried to me telling me she wants him to come home now. They get to speak with him over the phone when he calls. Still, it is hard on them, not having their dad here. Thank you Karin for your words of support.

Hi Rene - yes this is more than likely one of the most difficult things you've had to do, yet here you are. Another day down. As for the cellphone - when I sent my clients inpatient, it was understood that there was a 30 day blackout period. Barely even any TV or newspapers. They were there to concentrate on recovery. As we know in our work, it all takes time - and a portion of it never goes away no matter what we do. As a survivor, I can say we live with it every day - some days are better than others, but it never truly goes away. Jake will return to you and will be different. A good kind of different, but different nonetheless. He'll have more tools to use, recognize triggers and on and on as you well know. He has you at his side to walk with him - not over his head to rule him not under his foot to be trodden upon but by his side. Where you and he belong.

@WG

It's been difficult for me as some circumstances have developed since he left. And I don't really want to tell him, as it will only distract him from his therapy. It is not a bad thing. It's a actually a good thing for us. But, I do need him to be here with me, to help me with it. I just have to remind myself daily that him being gone and spending all of his time in meditation and therapy is good for him and they will give him the tools to teach him to cope with everything. @WG Your words always make me feel very good inside and give me great guidance. Thank you.

Update: Jake's physical therapy: (He's given me the go ahead tonight to say this). He's fully recovered from his surgery and is walking daily. He's told me he's not jogging or running yet but that is his goal in the future. He's working with a physical therapist that knows what he needs to have proper exercise for his type of recovery. (There were a few things I just am not allowed to divulge about his injuries and surgeries done to correct those). But he is being looked after by a physical therapist, psychiatrists, psychotherapists and group counselors. Jake was in good spirits tonight when he spoke to me and his children. He told me he gets sleepy by 8:30 pm and is usually out by 9 pm. He gets anywhere between 8-10 hours of sleep.
I'm so relieved to hear this. Because that means he is getting a full night sleep again.

Jake returns home to me June 6th. He may be a bit surprised when he sees me. I won't be able to fly there to meet him to come back home because my doctor won't permit me to fly (in my condition) by the time June rolls around. But, I will be at the airport waiting for him. I can't wait to see him again. April is going by so quickly. The month of May is going to be rough on me, however.

No matter my profession and role guys, I need my husband. I miss him terribly. He's that one person that I love most of all.
 
Last edited:

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Jake returns home to me June 6th. He may be a bit surprised when he sees me. I won't be able to fly there to meet him to come back home because my doctor won't permit me to fly (in my condition) by the time June rolls around. But, I will be at the airport waiting for him. I can't wait to see him again. April is going by so quickly. The month of May is going to be rough on me, however.

Let me be the first to congratulate you on this new development.
 

ReneB

Registrant
Rene, I was also admired to a psych hospital for about 10 days; against my will I should add. But the ban on cell phones and electronics are also there because people have serious work to do on themselves and these things offer quite a distraction. I know it feels like it but it shouldn’t be thought of as punitive. I hope the best for both of you.

Hello. Yes I am aware of the no electronics, cell phones or laptops rule. I'm a psychiatrist and have worked in a hospital before with the same rule. Jake is used to having his cellphone 24/7 because he's a doctor and sometimes on call for emergency and trauma teams. I think he thought he would get to take it in. Sadly no. He knows better now.
 
Hello. Yes I am aware of the no electronics, cell phones or laptops rule. I'm a psychiatrist and have worked in a hospital before with the same rule. Jake is used to having his cellphone 24/7 because he's a doctor and sometimes on call for emergency and trauma teams. I think he thought he would get to take it in. Sadly no. He knows better now.
Oh sorry. I was just relaying my experiences...
 

ReneB

Registrant
Yes, @Esterio I agree. Jake will be more stabilized when he returns. Of that, I have no doubt. This place he is at is more like a vacation retreat than that of your normal run of the mill psychiatric hospital. However it is a psychiatric center and is perfect for him. I wanted to find some place he would see a lot of light, trees and nature. I know they have equine therapy along with other holistic programs, meditation and yoga. To top it off, they have great psychiatrists and therapists who do various therapeutic programs.

That first couple of days Jake had to go through comprehensive evaluations to determine his planned therapy program. So far, it's going very well for him. He's able to sleep well now. I'm so glad. He's sounding very relaxed and more like himself.
 
Top