Hi, I'm new...

Hi, I'm new...
S

susskinsdrew

Registrant
Hello,

I am I think what's sometimes called a "secondary survivor" of male sexual abuse. My son (who happens to have autism) "D" was 7 and 8 at the time my best friend's 15/16 year old son was molesting him while babysitting.

D did not disclose the abuse, however, until January 16, 2005, or nearly 1.5 years after the final incident had occurred.

My reaction, in hindsight, was very extreme in the eyes of many, but to me, was the only way I knew how to cope with it.

I lost my job, I nearly killed myself (thank God I didn't!), and I lost many friendships as well.

I am much, much better, but I still have days of despair, especially those where I have to be at one of the perpetrator's hearings or the days approaching them.

I still cry my eyes out at times and overindulge on alcohol to make the immediate pain go away, even though I KNOW that's not the answer.

At any rate, I'm just so glad that you all exist so that I can discuss my ups/downs with people who KNOW what I'm thinking and feeling.

It's so very saddening to know how taboo people think this is to discuss in this day and age. I am a forward thinking person, this is true, but it still amazes me how uncomfortable non-survivors get while discussing this topic.

I've been told MANY times that I was having a pity party, and when I ended up hospitalized, I had friends turn their backs because they thought I was craving attention. My god, I'd rather be ignored for the remainder of my life than have to go through anything of this nature EVER again. It was and still is, hurtful.

At any rate, thanks for being here and if anybody has any words of wisdom for me or my son, please let me know!

Peace and joy to you all.
 
Hi -
Sorry to hear about your son's experience I'm pretty new, too - I find it difficult to understand why people refuse to discuss this topic - I mean, those who are close to us and are supposed to be supportive.

I am completely open to discussing SA with my brother, who was abused by a neighbor, and with a guy I fell in love with who I think was abused, but who won't tell me outright. Neither have opened up to me about it, due to this very taboo attitude that you mention.

I commend you in that you believed him and took him seriously when he told you. When I experienced a single incident (thank goodness) of SA as a four or five year old child, my mother just didn't want to investigate very much into the fact that my little friend's mother had overheard us talking about sexual acts not discussed by children of that age. If she had paid closer attention or delved more deeply into the issue, she could have saved my brother many years of suffering. She was fortunate that nothing else happened to me - at least, as far as I can remember.

I lived in the Twin Cities for five years... It's easy to see how it might be difficult to find someone who is willing to discuss this with you and be supportive.

Hang in there!
 
First of all, I thank you for getting this far through all this hurt.

I hope you,and your son are getting the right support, but I guess not.

"Pity party", "Craving attention".

They are never things that spring to my mind when these things happen.

People do not have the capacity to understand the deep hurt that you have both had to go through, and it should never have ended up in court.

I know that autism, shows some identical signs of abuse, without it being there, but I hope it did not get in the way of conviction of the perpetrator.

You are lucky to have found this place, and the women are wonderful, and will help you through.

I am thankful that you got through, so just open out and explain any fears you have or meet in the future,

ste
 
Are you and your son getting support for his autism? I'm just wondering if maybe you wouldn't find more sympathy from other parents of autistic children than you got from your friends-- maybe they would be better able to understand how this has affected your son's life-- or the different experience you have finding a new job, or making new friends.

I am also glad that you listened to your son and took action to protect him. If the hearings etc. are causing you so much stress, is it possible for you not to attend?

It's most important for you to take care of yourself and your family-- and that does mean that you have to pay attention to what you need, and make decisions that will benefit you and your loved ones.

Family and friends need a place to share their concerns and emotions about the sexual abuse of a loved one, and for a variety of reasons, many of us have to go outside of our usual support systems to fill that need-- that's why this forum is here.

SAR
 
In addition to what has been said by others above, can I suggest that you try to be a bit more gentle with yourself? You were not a bad father because you entrusted your boy's welfare and safety to the son of your best friend. I am so sorry this happened, but it was not your fault.

Beating yourself up over this will take a huge amount of emotional energy and attention that you need for your family. I hope you will stay with us, as this forum will help you to get a perspective on this.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi,

Thanks for all of your responses. I'll try to answer the questions posed to me in one reply. My son was diagnosed with autism just a week shy of his second birthday and I had him in early intervention through our school distric a year before that, so yes, we've both been getting services for that for over 9 years now (D just turned 11 on Christmas day). In part, this has been the one and only time I've been grateful for his disorder because autistics do not make the same emotional connections with regard to sex as "typical" people do. He went through several months of therapy with a reputable child psychologist and he one day simple said to me, "Mom, I'm going to shove those thoughts of what Danny did to me out of my brain because you know what, I have too much fun." Out of the mouths of babes I tell you! God bless him. If it weren't for the autism, I'm not quite sure that would have been possible.

Can I be more gentle on myself? I am WAY more gentle these days, but I STILL feel a tremendous amount of guilt associated with D's molestation. By the way, I'm a single mom, not a dad. My (now former) friend Eve (not her real name) was, by all accounts, a great mom who cared very much for her son. I just thought that Dan was one of those nerdy computer geek with little social skills. One time, I came home and tried to find a website I had accessed earlier that day and Dan had erased my internet history. I didn't think for a second that he was navigating porn sites, I just thought he didn't want me to see how much time he spent on the computer. So after that happened twice, I password protected my PC.

Then, a couple of times, D got upset when I told him Dan was going to babysit (this was after a year of him babysitting) and when I asked D why, he told me it was because Danny didn't play board games with him. So, I told Danny he needed to play board games with D.

Finally, the last time he babysat, D cried and pleaded with me with the same reasoning and I thought he was overreacting. Then, I had a college age girl babysit him the next time and it just so happened that her fiance was Danny's high school counselor. Now, if that isn't a sign (there are 2.5 million people in the Twin Cities!), I don't know what could be. Her fiance picked her up because her car had broken down and I asked him if he knew Danny and his face went into shock. He did know Danny and he said, "I can't tell you why, but I would not have him babysit your son ever again."

After that, I broke off all ties with Eve and Danny, never ever calling her again.

1.5 years later, I was play wrestling with D (my ex Jon was at our house at the time) and I teased him that if he didn't stop tickling me, I would make him suck on my sweaty big toe and that triggered it for him. He told me Danny used to make him do that and it just went from there.

Even before I decided to have a child, I always knew how important it is to believe them, no matter what, unless it is proven they are lying. It's made a little easier for me because with his autism, he doesn't have the capacity to lie about anything like this. He could never have thought of that himself because he would not have had any knowledge of sex.

I feel like I let him down. There were signs that things were not okay and I chose to ignore them. And, as I (not the friggin' police, mind you)investigated, I found that he had more victims after my son, which led to even more guilt, but I had to know. I still have the need to know what is going with the case out of respect to my son and out of need to squelch the awful thoughts that go around in my head. Knowing facts, for me, has always been important to have a sense of comfort.

So, it's nearly a year now post-disclosure. Life is, albeit very slowly, getting back to normal.

The hearings have all been as good as they can be up until this last one when Danny's probation officer requested he be, "...released to his mother because he finally came out to his mother and step-father (an asshole) and has made strides in his therapy." The judge, who happens to be our Governor's wife, was appalled by this, as was I. She stated my thoughts exactly: His being gay has NOTHING, not ONE thing to do with the molestation of my son. If that were the case then all gay men would molest/rape little boys. I have gay friends and that totally outgraged me. Molestation/rape is a POWER/CONTROL thing, not a sexual thing. UGH!!!!

So, I had better stop now because I could go on and on and on. Thank you SO MUCH for bearing with this long post.

Peace.

Susskins
 
Susan,

The first words that come to mind are totally inappropriate, but I'll post them anyway - YOU GO GIRL!

It sounds like you so fully understand what it is that's happened to you and your son, it's just, yeah right - just - the emotional impact that is so torturous.

The parents of many of the men here were loving caring parents and they didn't see the signs from their healthy sons. You have an autistic child whose views and means of communication are totally different from anything you were familiar with. You've had to learn as he grows how to interpret what he says and does. Don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing then what is so clear now. It wasn't spelled out for you. Even if your son had been able to communicate to you what was happening, he may not have.

I'm a single Mom as well and I don't know that I would be anywhere near as together as you are now. I know you say you fell apart in the beginning, well who could expect anything less? The child you gave birth to and adore had been attacked. Anyone who calls themselves a parent would have felt the same way. You stood up for your child, you're getting him help to overcome what he lived through; you're seeing to it that the one who harmed him is punished, not only that, you may have saved countless other children in the process. You should be very proud of that.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Trish,

Thank you so much. You made my morning! D is the hero for coming forward (even though he was told both he and I would be killed if he told anyone), I am only his conduit. My love and respect for him only grew through this ordeal for the obvious reasons.

Thanks again for your kind and uplifting response!

Susskins
 
Susan
I have a feling that like any parent, not only those like you dealing with an autistic child alone, you are using your rage and turning it into a very powerful healing force, one that given his disability ( one I know little about though ) he will probably need more than most.

You're absolutely right that sexual abuse has a huge degree of power / control going on, sex is the weapon that these perps so often use. It's a factor I think a great many survivors, and partners / carers, miss.
Many of the behaviours we have as adults are an expression of us trying to regain that control over lives, usually in vain until we make the choice to confront what happened to us and seek proper help. What that 'proper' help might be for your son I just don't know, maybe therapy as we know it wouldn't be the most effective thing as therapy does deal with emotions to a huge degree.
But I have a feeling that you know what might work.

On another note, have you seen any reports about the Dutch guy who treated his autistic boy with natural, herbal remedies that apparently boosted his immune system to such an extent that it has made behavioural changes to the boy?
I read about it just this week but have thrown the paper out.

Take care
Dave
 
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