hi im new

[kniob]

****this might contain triggers****
hi im 18. i guess from what people say im a survivor although i dont feel like one. i feel dirty and scared and i have lived with this pain since i was 14. its tooken me years to talk about it or even let others know how i feel. I always waly around with a poker face and never show pain anymore. And i wonder at times if i even feel such pain anymore. Ive begun seeking pro help but im not sure. Ive read some of the storys and it brings sadness to me. Im angry at god for what happened and this has turned me athiest. I feel like i need help but getting it from my peers is inpossable seeing how most are immature and wouldn't understand.

 

[Derdlecar]

kniob,

First of all, welcome. You are among friends here. I too am a survivor, and I know how it feels to not feel like one and I know first hand being angry at god. So it sounds to me like you have come to the right place. This is a place where one can be angry and rant all they want, a place where one can cry or even laugh.

So you have come to a good place, not a perfect place, but a good place and I say welcome. Feel free to look around, read, post and reply as often and as much as you like.

Hang in ther my friend, you are worth it.

Darrel

 

[WalkingSouth]

Kniob,

Welcome! Sorry that you needed to look for a place like this, but glad you found us. At one time or another everyone of us here has felt dirty and scared. There are times when we still do, but I have found that the love and support I find here goes a long way to making me feel better about myself.

It is good that you've begun to work on professional help. It takes a lot of courage in my opinion to take that step, so congratulations.

I also understand what you mean about your peers being shallow and immature. I found it so at that age. Wouldn't it have been great if we could have lived our childhood and youth without the spectre of sexual abuse looming over us all the time? It was not to be, so we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives.

Again, welcome to this place. Please know, as my brother says, that you are indeed "worth it".

Lots of love,

John

 

[Jose]

Kniob,

Actually, I admire the fact that you are dealing with this at your age. It took me nearly 40 years to begin to deal with it and, like you, am just in the beginning stages. Like you, we have all felt the consequences of hiding it, burying the pain, feeling like we don't fit, and even allowing ourselves to feel at all.

You have found the right road. Not an easy one, but it does begin to free you and loosen you from its unhealthy and destructive grip.

I encourage you to continue work with a therapist. I tried one a few years ago and gave up after a few sessions as I just did not find it helpful. Further feelings of not fitting and the rest were only reinforced. I finally garnered enough courage this year to find another therapist, and he has been very helpful in helping me see and understand more clearly. Though this is helping me to move towards healing, I can see that the road will be long.

Thanks for sharing your story and know that we are walking on this journey along with you.

 

[kniob]

Thank you,

For your understanding I was worried about posting my story and people not really knowing how it feels. I'm beginning to see why people with these experiences come here, because this is the first time Ive been able to talk about it without feeling like Im a one man freak-show. I hope to make friends here, learn to deal with the pain. I'm glad I found this website and I hope to continue to come back.

 

[Born to Resist]

Hi Kiniob,

Definitely keep coming back. You don't have to journey the road of recovery alone.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality

 

[roadrunner]

Zach,

Welcome to the site, and I can already see one thing you are learning - you are NOT a one man freak show. I also hope you can feel the importance of talking about things. It really does help.

You are very fortunate - and brave! - to be facing these issues at the age of 18. That is so much better than wasting years of your life trying to hide and bury how you feel.

Just remember always, bro, that you are not alone and that what happened to you was NOT your fault. Those two key ideas will help you so much.

Much love,
Larry

 

[phoster]

welcome. one thing you'll find here is almost every person here shares a lot in common. it's awful that we have this brotherhood, but it is very comforting and empowering to have a place like this, with people like these. hope to get to know you better in time.

jeff

 

[Steve B]

Kniob!

Welcome! I admire your courage in seeking this place out. It's been wonderful for so many of us to feel that connection with our brothers in survivorhood. Keep reading and posting and you'll find a new and loving way to connect with people that truly understand the kind of trauma that you have been through..

Be well..

~~Steve~~