Hi, I'm new here

Hi, I'm new here
E

Enchantedlady

Registrant
I recently found out that my husband was sexually abused when he was 9 yrs old :(

now the last 5 yrs are making more sense to me. I have 2 girls from my previous marriage and a son with my husband. Being I was with my ex for 10 yrs (high school sweethearts)I was quite experienced sexually. when I met my H and we started dating he had only started dating when he was 22 yrs old and been with his xgf for 2 yrs, then had sex with one chic a few times. When we started having sex I guess when I touched his butt area I woke up something in him.

He said he started having wierd dreams and it was about another man, at the time I was 3 months pregnant, I thought maybe being a father was freakin him out. I thought certain things were a bit odd in his life, he still lived at home with his mom at 25 yrs old (maybe that wasn't so odd)but how controllig she was was odd, she didn't like him dating me, and wasn't happy that I was pregnant. Trust me odd

H wanted me to maybe help him find a guy he could experiment with. Here I was pregnant, working, taking care of my 2 girls, I sure didn't want to be involved in that stuff. I don't want anyone else in my bedroom....

It was like this became an obession with H, we didn't live together but I could sense something wasn't right, he drifted from me, and even our sex life wasn't the same, he wasn't the same very attentive man. He was going online viewing porn, chatting, emailing. I didn't know about it then. He mentioned that a transgendered really intrigued him, a guy that was beautiful but had a penis, well that didn't sit well with me.

After our son was born, he would stay at his mom's a few night's a week because where school was and where I lived was so far. I always felt uneasy and like something wasn't right. I thought things would change now that I had the baby and my body back but it didn't. In fact H was more distant from me.

One day I was honest with H and told him that I didn't like what was happening to him and this fantasy thing was getting out of hand. I wanted no part of it. Supposedly he understood and that was that. I was at the computer one day and something came over me and told me H has a hidden email account, so I went on the site typed in his user name and remember from 6 months earlier a password he used for something else, it worked. There was a few emails from a bi sexual guy, I guess they tried hooking up 7 months earlier but H got cold feet and couldn't go through with anything. He's still having sexual thoughts of being with a man.

In one of the emails he was trying to get together again with this guy. I flipped, I called him at work and told him to take a flying hike!!! I think he drove the 65 miles in 25 minutes to get here.

Here it is 5 yrs later and somethings aren't any different. He still goes on chat once in a while, and has these thoughts. I found out back in March that he was chatting with someone and I told him I'm done, there are too many things missing to this puzzle of ours. I asked him if he is gay he said noway.
THen he admitted to being molested when he was 9yrs old. He felt bad because he wanted it to continue.
H grew up with a controlling mother and no father. I told him that we need to start things over no secrets no nothing, I even came clean about things with me. We started going to counseling and I believe we have had like 6 sessions. The counselor thinks that H was also emotionally neglected as a child.

Now it makes sense when I would ask H questions about his family he didn't know, he also didn't know how to act around certain situations. He also felt like he never had control of his life, he just flowed through life.

So now the puzzle pieces are fitting together, we are making progress.

I love this man with everything in me, I want to be there to help him (Louise L Hay has really been a great help). I'm struggling myself though, at first I did take it personal and my feminity was questioned but I'm secure with myself now. I'm not however very trusting, I have issues from H lying to me and like I explained to him trust is an earned thing.

I've really gone back and forth with do I stay or do I go. I have my husbands issues on my shoulders but my 2 girls too, one is a teengager and the other asperger syndrome. Talk about me being emoitioanlly exhausted.

I married him but I can honestly say I really didn't realize what was going on with him. I thought when he stopped chatting and the online thing that is was all better.

We have been very open and honest. I know there are times H still has an urge to go online and chat. I asked H when he has these urges is it because maybe I'm not paying enough attention to him and he said no, so I began to wonder what need does chatting fill? Should I let him chat? I must be crazy and asking for trouble. I did tell H that I was thinking this way and he then said that he was having urges to chat. I told him I'm not comfortable with it and that IF I did say go ahead I would have to be there.

I want to be suportive of him and for him, is there something I can do for help him?

Thank you for reading this long post. I have felt so alone and trapped for awhile, typing this out has helped me feel better
 
Ok. first things first. Being supportive of him does not mean that you should hurt yourself in the process. The things which you have talked about are normal. There is a lot of information and many great sources here to help you work with all of this. I will find some of it for you this weekend.
 
Thanks Mike, I would appreciate any help/information I can get!!!

I reread my post and noticed I had mentioned that we are open and honest but earlier in the post I mentioned him lying so much to me. The open and honest stuff recently started happening in the last few months.

This is all so confusing and I feel so bad for my hubby because I also know he's going through hell
 
'Lady
So many of us Survivors seem to end up living with the fantasy / desire to have sex with other men; even when we are heterosexual. Maybe a few men are genuinly gay or bi and in denial, but there are a lot of us who live with this fantasy who are 'straight'

I've been married for 30 years, and about 6 or7 years ago I was acting out sexually with strange men.
My fantasies had, over the years, become obsessional. And eventually I made the fantasy real.

It proved a number of things for me, I wasn't gay, I actually didn't enjoy the acts I fantasised about, and I was out of control.
The most important thing I did was tell someone, I told my wife who in all that time knew nothing of my abuse. Then I started therapy.
I haven't acted out since 1998, yes, I still have some of the fantasy, but nothing like I did before. I can control it now to a great extent.

I know that the fantasy grew from the distorted thinking that I adopted to cope with the memories of my abuse.
I 'altered' my memories to hide from myself the fact that what happened to me was out of my control as an 11yo boy.
In my 'adult' mind I changed the abuse into 'the sex WE had'. I took control in this new version.

The unknown danger was that this new version took over to an extent that I came to believe it.
And believing that I was the more than willing 'partner' in the sex meant believing that I was still the same person as an adult, and that I still wanted sex with men.

Now, with the benefit of therapy, hard work and hindsight I can see that David at 11yo WASN'T in control, the abusers were.
I just carried their legacy on into adulthood.

My wife knows about my acting out, and that is something I can't begin to imagine the pain she went through, but she's supported and loved me from the day I disclosed.
And I know 100% that I couldn't have survived without that support.

Dave
 
Dave,

My wife knows about my acting out, and that is something I can't begin to imagine the pain she went through, but she's supported and loved me from the day I disclosed.
And I know 100% that I couldn't have survived without that support.
Click to expand...
What you said made my heart skip a beat, my husband has said this too:)

I want to be there and to help my husband the best way I can.
 
Thanks, but one thing we BOTH know is that although she can love, support and help me in ways I never thought possible, she can't do my healing for me.
That's up to me.

That doesn't mean she doesn't tell me how she feels about some of the difficult choices I've made, she does. And I both respect her views and seek them.
We decided that our love would help overcome my problems, and that love is a two way thing, so I have to make my healing a two way thing as well - as much as that is possible.

Those of us that have partners who stand by us are very lucky, many men lose that support for one reason or another.
The role of partner isn't easy, we're very difficult people both before and during our healing. Our lives seem to consist of one confusion after another, minor setbacks seem as though we've utterly failed; so we get frustrated and angry.
Often we take it out on those we love, what we're really doing is taking out on ourselves in the only way we know - by keeping the hurt away from us and projecting it on someone else.

The one piece of advice I give to any partner is "be selfish"
Not selfish in the normal sense, the nasty way we usuallt think 'selfish' means, but be selfish and always take your feelings and well-being into account, no matter how much crap is going down.
If you don't look after yourself you risk becoming another victim of the abuse, and you'll be no use to yourself, your family or your husband.

Is it worth all this effort? Only you know that for sure. ;)

Dave
 
Enchantedlady,
I moved a couple of old topics back to the top of the message board. They may help you to understand a few things better. There are many great resources available here at MS. Topics which you may find relating to the things which you have talked about are: Conditioned Responses, Acting in, Acting out, Sexual Identity issues, long term effects of abuse, and, well, just about everything that there is here. Remember, you can't "fix" him. You can only help him to do it himself. You also need to make sure that you take care of yourself in the process and don't get turned completely into a secondary victim.
 
Dear Enchantedly,

I am 52 and was sexually abused by a Catholic priest as a child. It was only three years ago that I confronted this. Before that I minimized, denied and rationalized it as "no big deal". I now know that it was a HUGE deal and that it has affected my wife of 20 years in a major way.

I wanted sex more often and with more variety than her. That caused conflict. I regularly read pornographic letters and masturbated and also used pornography on the Internet. That upset her a lot. After about ten years I began to have extramarital affairs.

What I now realize is that I had developed an addiction to sex. Your husband shows many of the characteristics of sexual addiction. I now realize that the sexual abuse caused me to not know how to be intimate without sex and I bet that your husbands abuse has led him to have a similar problem.

Patrick Carnes is the best expert in the area of sexual addiction. Go to his website at www.sexhelp.com. His books are really terrific. Mike Lew's books "Victims No More" and "Leaping from the Mountaintop" are the best for male sexual abuse. In "Victims No More" there is a chapter on the impact of sexual abuse on the partners of survivors. I think you will recognize your experience.

Your support is very important. His recovery is much more likely to be successful as a result of your love. However, with two children, one of whom has Aspergers, you have your hands full. I lied regularly about porn, affairs and so on. You must take care of yourself first. Your husband must stop lying. He must recognize that he has a major problem with sexual addiction. There is nothing evil or perverted about that, it is just that the sexual abuse interfered with his emotional development. He does not know how to be intimate.

My wife has supported me and that has been so important. There were many days when I just wanted to die because I felt ashamed for what had happened to me as a child and for lying to her. There were many days when I felt hopeless when I realized how much I had blamed my wife for so many things. You are NOT to blame!

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. If your husband is willing to admit his problems and work on them, that is great. However, he must do it. You cannot "fix" him or make him better.

I have needed therapy, 12 step groups and it is a lot of work and effort.

I feel so much sympathy for you because I know what my wife has been through because of my actions. I also admire you for still loving your husband despite his actions.
 
sexual addiction really got me thinking (at times that is dangerous LOL). I told my hubby that if he's not careful when these urges come up that he's messing around with chatting and masterbating he's setting himself up for addiction.

I have been through hell the last 5 yrs. I honestly didn't know the extent of how serious this was. When I discovered he emailed someone a naked pic of us :mad: something that was between us, private I felt so hurt and betrayed. I still don't think he understands.Then in March I discovered he was chatting and this time I wasn't going to talk about things and think they would get better, I knew it was time for help especially because I was on my last leg if not toes as far as staying in the marriage

I understand what my husband has gone through and I know I can't fix him and honestly I don't want to. Their are many different ways of getting help and he's got to take the steps to learn what his morals are, boundaries, healthy sex is, and how to handle these emotions that well up in him and be responsible.

There are times I am so lonely and I ache, I'll have my times where I wonder if I can go on anymore. Maybe that is because I was married before to a guy I knew from the time I was 11 yrs old, dated at 16, he cheated on me and I didn't look back that was it. So how can I handle the betrayal now.

I do take care of me, in my other thread Hello, I was telling people about finding Louise L Hay's books very beneficial. That has made a huge impact on my life and my children's.

Thank you Bernard, for sharing your life and thoughts with me. I don't know if I'm having a very good day with my feelings today :(
 
Good morning Enchanted Lady,

I'm sorry to be a bit late to respond to your posts but I want to welcome you here. Our stories have a lot in common, the odd mother in law certainly jumped out at me, and I don't think it's a coincidence that freaking out about parenthood did as well. I remember my boyfriend telling me that he was afraid to have sons, he thought he would do okay with girls but he had never been friends with other boys and didn't think he would be a good model for a son. I think his disclosure and the beginning of his recovery might have played out very differently if I'd had boys.

Our sex life also slowed down when my boyfriend started acting out-- actually before that, when he was thinking about it-- but he has said that this was a gesture of respect for me and our relationship, trying to keep his destructive fantasies away from our lovemaking. (Of course he said that WAY after the fact, at the time he was just mean about it and very blaming)

About letting him chat... I don't think it is good for your marriage, but I think this is not the best way to frame the problem. Turning it into an issue of what he is and is not allowed to do will probably just start his old tapes playing, he will feel controlled, belittled and angry because you are not "allowing" him to do something... and it is precisely those feelings that drive the acting out in the first place, as Dave said to you earlier, the acting out is a way to gain control over what happened in the past-- it is almost a sort of revenge. So even if he stops doing it, he is not going to stop thinking about it.

In my opinion it is better to make your boundaries for yourself and your relationship very clear, and let him be responsible for doing his part to come and meet you, where you stand. Leave what he "can" and "can't" do out of it. If he is anything like my boyfriend he will not do anything at first, he'll just assume that if he sits around long enough you're going to come over and carry him to where you stand. But if he wants to be with you he will come over in his own time. I know it is scary and lonely but I think that is where the faith comes in.

I also told myself I would never ever stick around with someone who ignored me and lied to me. All I can say is that maybe I was also taught to devalue my own capacity for acceptance and understanding. Helping him helps us, and I'm glad to be a part of us.

Take care
SAR
 
Sex addiction isn't an endless stream of supermodels lining to have sex with superstuds like 'me' :rolleyes:

The reality is much more mundane.
It's spending every available minute thinking about sex, or looking at sex - porn, it's about sexualizing everything and everyone we "cum" into contact with.
As I've done in that last sentence. It's thinking like that all day, every day.

Comedians love 'sex addiction' - it's always good for a cheap laugh, but the truth is that it's no joke for those of us that live with it.

Dave
 
SAR,
Thank you for your post. Being I've been dealing with this off and on for 5 yrs I'm at the end of my rope and I think that is why my H told me that he was molested. Since he's brought this out in the open there have been many positive things going on in our marriage.

I also told him back in April that this is serious, whatever it is going on with him. So he asked if I would set up an appointment with the woman who has been seeing my daughter. I also was doing online searching which finally brought me here. We have done much more talking and he's opening up like never before.

This has been a tough week for him, I think the worst it's been in a long time. I don't know if it's because he's talking more and also reading the stuff I find? Who knows but at least he is understanding there's nothing wrong with him.

Dave,

In the past that is exactly what my husband was going through, every thought was about sex, chatting, wanting to be with a man.It consumed him. I also know that as a teen and well into his adulthood he masterbating alot with porn (girl porn). Is this an addiction for him? Who knows I guess we'll find out
 
I wake up in the morning and think about a smoke, my friend Bill would place a can of extra strong beer on the bedside cabinet every night so it was there when he awoke.
He's given up, I haven't :(

Addiction isn't purely chemical as in drink, drug or nicotine addiction.
Our brains produce enough chemicals to give us a buzz, gamblers know as do sex addicts.

Dave
 
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