Hi I am new

Hi I am new. I am a co-administrator of a Tori Amos related Survivors Page and was referred here by my friend the Founder of the site. I listed it as my homepage. I hope that is not considered bad karma here as I am new.
Tori has been a real lasting source of love and expression and beauty for me. She taps my feelings and is a force of expression in my heart.


I feel out of place in most groups first as a male second as I was raped through unwanted oral sex as an adult of 24 in my senior year of college. Heck it doesn't even sound like rape but in Ohio it is. I feels like rape though. I guess I always feel like my story is not as bad as anyone elses I ever see.

After my attack I dealt with horrible feelings of rage and anger. I felt I was ready to explode and drive someone off the road who may have cut me off in a hurry. I had some explosions at home with my family. I eventually made the hardest phone call of my life and burst into tears when I first spoke with the girl who answered me on the hotline. I felt unwanted there and almost as if I expected to be rejected as a prank caller. I wasn't.

I am also dealing with problems with intimacy. I am a heterosexual male and am very stimulated at times but when it comes around time I may act I feel feelings of dread and I am just not able to feel comfortable. I dislike my personal appearance although I am not real fat or ugly I feel unattractive. Mostly I just seem to be able to find anyone. I do not date much and am dreadfully unable to make a first move on attractive girls. I find my fantasy so much more than reality. I am so outgoing normally I find this aspect of my life a mystery. I admit I was a virgin till 29. What a waste at that I was with a woman I wasn't even attracted to. When it was over I just felt hollow and I don't think it was anything like what I'd hoped it was. It felt overrated. Plus feel like I threw it away. I mean I wasn't the pope in college I dated over the years and although I was in a few relationships I never wanted to force the issue on a girl. Maybe that is socialization or an aspect of my attack.

I consider myself a victim not a survivor still and have a horrible time thinking of seeing a male counsellor. My therapist after the attack in college was male but I practically had to drag my ass there to see him. My new one is a female in her 50s. Sometimes we talk about it mostly we talk about other issues in my life and how I feel about other things. I try to talk once in a while but when I am there it seems like I talk about other important things. I saw her every week for a while but I haven't seen her in a month. I just think I am either lacking the tools to or am unable to express my feelings or even maybe unable to find out how to reach them.

I have posted my story on my site and on Barbados. I met many nice people who wrote me. Some are still internet pals now. I really didn't deal with my emotions for years until I joined a Ranger/Police academy in 98 and had to deal with sensitivity training with homosexuals and rape victims. I do not hate homosexuals although I was attacked by one. He is an animal and a rapist pig. He is not even human in my eyes. I had your normal fantasies about having him killed by friends and such but that passed on through the years.

I know I am recovering I just don't know where I am right now, I am basically posting here to see what is out there. I wonder about how to deal with issues. I feel more comfortable talking with females and have never experienced any support from men and I practically had to drag myself here to write this. My knees were jelly and I wrote way more than I intended so sorry for being long.

I just don't know where I am. I think I am better but I could be wrong. I may be just buried and I have no shovel or maybe no will to dig.

Just very uncomfortable with what I feel. Still a victim trying to survive. I know just not thinking about it doesn't make it better.
It's like a paper cut you cant see it you know its there and it never seems to heal and when you hit it just wrong it hurts like hell.


But people write me for help at the Tori site and I offer what I can. I am regarded as very helpful there. How can I do the same for me.

Just a new guy here. Not sure what to think.

Go Bucks.

[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: BrianFitz99 ]

 

Hi BrianFitz99,
My name is Peter (I need to be heard). I was raped at the tender age of 6. I am now 52 years old. I have all the feelings you describe. You are not alone; there are many here just like you. For instance, I am a very outgoing individual but when it comes to woman, I am lost. I have had many feelings of rage and anger. As far as intimacy goes, I have always felt awkward and very distant when getting close to a woman. It feels like it isn't real. One of the things that I differ from you is that, after the abuse, I became obsessive-compulsive. I began to over eat. I have grown into an obese man. I have sex addiction problems and am currently a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I also was a virgin till age 29. My first sexual experince was simular to yours. It felt very awkard and unsatisfying. It was a big let down. Today, in the present, I go to therapy. I belong to a men's group that deals with men just like me. I've also have gone to individual therapy for sex abuse. It is a rough life to live but it gets better when you get help. BrianFitz00, God bless you and keep writting. We need to hear from people just like you.
Sincerely,
Peter J.

 

[impishwit]

Hi Brian, I'm really glad that you are here. Both as a fellow Toriphile, and as a fellow victim/survivor.
Tori has been a constant source of inspiration for me as well, though at the time that I started to listen to her I wasn't aware of what had happened to me.
I was raped at Boy Scout camp when I was 8 years old by the troup leader, so I understand your pain. This is a completely new memory for me, so I too have been going through a lot of anger issues and intimacy issues as well. I really have trouble approaching women as well. I have to know them for a good while before I even 'think' about making a move, and even then, I feel like my feet are embedded in cement.
I suppose I wrote because I wanted to welcome you and to let you know that this is a great place. I joined a few weeks ago and I have met some really supportive guys. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is safe here and you don't have to feel frightened. Well...not here anyway.
Take care of yourself and maybe I'll see you on chat sometime. Good luck.

"And I know it's just a spring haze~but I don't much like the look of it~ but all we do is circle it ~and I found out where my edge is~" **** "Spring Haze"-Tori Amos

imp
PS- Forced oral sex IS rape. Don't doubt yourself on that one man.

 

Yeah I keep telling myself that I know it is rape when I was real drunk and throwing up and this guy blew me. It was horrible and the worst was when he said he knew I'd be back. Like It was satifying for me as I was throwing up telling him no. He even was thoughtful enough to stop and get a garbage can for me to puke into and then started up again. He even tongue kissed me and I was turning my head. I mean I was an adult but I suppose the same thing can be said for lots of women although I feel like not many men are raped as adults which also makes it sort of feel like I am an individual out there.

Thanks for the letters so far.

I just wonder how long it takes to feel good about yourself. I really don't like talking about it it seems like I feel less manly or like I need an excuse to have been victimized like that. It makes me feel weak like I should have fought back even though I know I was actually mostly unable to even stand up. He helped me to the sofa while I laid on the ground in the bathroom puking and I tried to keep the door shut with my foot when he broke into the bathroom to get at me.
It just seems like I want to go beat him sometimes if I could find him.

oh and as always
Go Bucks

 

[abcd]

Welcome to the site Brian!

RE: problems of intimacy...

It is so tough man. I must admit that I am not to the stage of therapy like others here nor even the stage of even telling my family. There's so much confusion in my life right now as I grapple to figure things out with it (incidentally, I'm 23 so perhaps that has something to do with it). Nevertheless, one thing I have realized is that I HAVE to open up even bit by bit. Sometimes, that is what you have to force yourself to do and to take risks--especially when it comes to relationships. Like you perhaps, I too have a certain problem with intimacy with girls (sometimes, I almost literally run away from some of the most beautiful and greatest girls when I find out they like me). I am very outgoing normally and flirt a bit perhaps, but it's like I'm afraid of trusting others when it comes to sexual things (I've only had one REAL serious girlfriend--a very SERIOUS one at that). Even with my ex, the guilt was always very strong whenever I did anything sexual (not talking about intercourse here--we are both virgins and plan to be until we're married, but I think you get my drift). To this date, she's the only one who knows about my being abused and the way our relationship unravelled, it's so hard to trust others again. I know though that telling her helped a lot, and I know that I will eventually have to tell others just as I know I will have to eventually stop running away from girls that like me (or from trying to attract girls who may not know me). I don't know--perhaps this has become more of just babbling here, but my point is really that I think part of the answer to the recovery of abused persons like us is to re-form relationships with other people--to build that trust of others. We all have our quirks and problems with intimacy (especially because of our abuse). Nevertheless, we can't give up on it, and just keep trying. Besides, everyone has problems with getting girls/guys (abused or not abused). More and more, as I, ironically "fail" a little more and more, I realize how impervious I have become to failure and how much more quickly success comes when you at least try rather than just wait. I KNOW this will sound stupid perhaps and certainly very "corny" but...I think that if we approach life with the attitude of no longer being afraid of failure and willing to always pick up the pieces of our lives back together, then I think we have truly lived our lives successfully

 

[impishwit]

Brian,
Yeah, playing out your retribution in your head is pretty normal, I think. I believe that many of us are not exactly okay with carrying out violence or being assertive outwardly, because we associate those characteristics with our perpetrator. It's safer to do it in your head... and it's a good way to process.
As for feeling better. My friend keeps telling me incessantly that it just takes time and a lot of love. Some days I feel really impatient and I wonder..."Will I ever be able to function?" I hold great hopes that some day I will. One day I hope to have a wife, children and a home with lots of animals; I think that is what keeps me going during more dismal moments.
Do you have any good friends or family who can be of some support? I've found that to be helpful. Being here has also helped me tremendously.

Take care of you,
imp

By the by: Yes, I think that women tend to get more support in the area of rape and sexual abuse in general. That is not a cut, just a fact. Society holds the false view of males having to be the "Sturdy Oaks," able to hold everyone and everything up. The reality is: We're humans too and we too are subject to the same vulnerabilities and hurts that women are. So who's going to be there for us when we fall? This site is working to answer that question and many others in order to change society's views on male sexual victimization. I'm glad that I, you, and countless others have found this haven, may we all work to change the world for the better!!!!