hi...i am new...and scared.

hi...i am new...and scared.
I

invisibleboy

Registrant
hi...i am feeling very afraid right now because this is the first message i have ever posted on this website. wow...i actually feel sick because of this anxiety. i have been coming to this site and reading posts for the last couple of weeks and i have just now gotten to courage to post anything. actually, i just want to ask a question of all of you here. from the posts i have read it seems that a lot of you are either in therapy or have friends and family that you regularly confide in about your abuse. has anyone here not told anyone about what has happened to them? i have never told anyone about what happend to me...ever. and i have to tell you that i am so scared...even writing this post, which reveals nothing about me, is causing my heart to race and my stomach to clinch up into knots. i know that sounds stupid...but anyway, i was just wondering if you all could answer my question. thank you so much. i am sorry if this post is annoying or stupid.
 
I have yet to tell my parents but I told 2 of my freinds. over time you will heal and it may hurt but it helps I was raped my seld when I was thirteen it took me three yesrd to talk about it I had bottled up all the pain till then and I feel alot better know that I have I know that I am not healed fully but I know I will be.I am now 16. talk to me and ScottyTodd and me we are both really great help there are also alot of people that can help you but from personal expeiriance ScottyTodd has helped me. Also if you are still young especialy talk to me or scottytodd we specialize in younger groups.
 
*response in Unmoderated*
Hi invisibleboy - I see you & hear you.

I would be willing to bet lots of us have not told friends and family. I told my present wife (well, only wife but then she was "only" a girlfriend) 5 years ago, and she was the absolut first person for 20 years. I only told my father and brothers a month or so ago.

I am going to begin my own therapy shortly. My wife is going through her own process and I was using her therapist but now she wants a therapist "of her own" and for us as a pair.

I thought I had worked out all my issues 20 years ago - but now I have come into a phase where everything is triggering / reminding.

But it is a journey worth taking IMNSHO.
 
Invisibleboy
Your post certainly isn't 'annoying or stupid' - I bet everyone felt the same way when the pressed 'Add Reply' for the first time, even those of us who had disclosed our abuse to someone before we came here.

Any kind of disclosure is scary, most of family, friends and wokmates know about my past, I have no secrets anymore. But I still feel anxious when I tell someone, there is always a possibility that the person we tell will think that we were in the wrong.

But it's a very small possibilty, and so far I haven't told anyone that hasn't shown sympathy and concern.

It's good to come here and remain anonymous, that way you'll build up confidence and be able to ask all those difficult questions that you will surely have. One day you'll be able to disclose to a therapist or someone you love and trust.

Until then ask what you want, there's so much support and help here.
It's a shame that you need MS, but seeing as you do then there's no better place.

If you need any help or advice please contact any of the Moderating team, we'll be only to pleased to help.

Dave
 
Hello. You are a brave soul. You are taking a wonderful first step by coming here. It is tough. And it is a crying shame that any of us is here, but at least there is such a place.
So, take it easy and take it slowly.
Steve
 
Welcome to MS! I can only echo what the other posters have written. It's only natural for you to feel scared and all tied up in knots after what has happened to you through no fault of your own. You've taken a big first step towards your recovery and that's HUGE! Well done!

The path to recovery is not to be travelled alone, nor should it be. There are more amd more professionals who are trained to help males who have been abused and a qualified therapist may be a step you decide to take as you recover.

To answer your question about there being anyone who has NOT told, I'm not aware of anyone on this site who hasn't, and that's good.

Remember that our perps are counting on us to not tell. That's one way they exert control and power. Just think how scared your perp will be when he realizes that you will not keep his secret and that he will be held responsible for what he did to you. Let him feel the shame as that is where it belongs, not with you.

We can all offer advice and are willing to share our experiences. It will be with the best of intentions so feel free to ask.

There are public and member forums on this site. Some of us members rarely post on the publice site and do most of our communicating on the members side where we feel a bit safer.

I myself told. It took a number of years to be able to do that and I told a brother first. That was a long time ago and it helped me to know that someone else knew.

I told a few more times since that first time and within the past few years I've told a number of lawyers, mine and the perp's as I sued the creep. He's retired now but a lot more people know what he did and believed me when I told. He now has to walk in shame as I no longer will. He's also a few dollars lighter.

So my advice is TELL, TELL, TELL but only when you feel safe in doing so. Your safety is the number one priority and for the time you are visiting this site I hope you will feel safe.

You will find all kinds of survivors on this site. Many of us are older, with wives and children and all of that. There are also some younger survivors here. I'm one of the older guys so perhaps my perspective is different from yours at your age.

Welcome to MS. We're here for you!

Regards,

Zipser
 
thank you all so much. i really mean that. i am in a really, really, really low place in my life right now...and you don't know how much your responses make me feel less alone. i am not as young as i probably sound...i am actually 22 years old.
my past is really eating away at me...i mean, it truely is distroying me. it is all i can think about most days and it makes my stomach ache and burn. i thank you all for helping me with your kind thoughts and suggestions. i really need to get my feelings out...but i am too scared...terrified, actually. reading the stories here make me feel like i can be open and honest...but once i begin typing anything i immediatly delete it all. it's like i don't even want to admit it to myself...and actually putting it in writing (or saying it outloud, for that matter) really proves it all to be true...and i can no longer pretend it all away. i feel guilt, disgust, embarressment, sadness, and so many other things right now. and i feel so guilty about dumping all of this upon all of you who have problems of your own to worry about. that is one reason that i keep everything inside...i always feel like a burden. but anyways, i have promised myself that i will try to really write a post telling about my past. i have promised myself that i will try to do it tonight because i don't know what else to do to make myself feel better. i probably won't be able to make myself do it, but that is my promise to myself that i am going to try to keep.
 
Hello Invisibleboy - and Welcome to MS...

I'll echo the words that I've heard from many others here in that I am glad that you have found this site and sad for the reason that brings you here...

this is not the first survivor site that I have been a member of - the first site I went to was before I had ever told a single soul about my past - to be honest I was'nt even sure why I even went into the site that first night (cause I'd burried my past so well and had convinced myself that it had'nt affected me) other than out of sheer amazement that such a site even existed (I was raised in a very sheltered - and abusive - existance) - for the first few weeks in that site all I could do was respond to a few other peoples posts (I was too scared to say anything personal) - it was through the gentle encouragement of the other members there that I first told of the many things that were done to me while I was growing up...

even yet today there are still a few people that I would like to tell about my past that I hav'nt yet out of fear - someday I will - when the time is right for me - just as you'll tell others when the time is right for you...

You've taken the first steps and you're off to a great start - I hope you make many good friends here...

TJ jeff
 
Invisibleboy,

It is a big shock coming in here and actually posting something for the first time. Don't feel awkward about it; it is a normal reaction in this kind of situation.

Perhaps you should slow things down a bit. Try to find a pace and a way forward that you are comfortable with. Don't feel you have to say everything and come "out with it" all at once. You don't! Just move in small steps at first and see how it goes.

We all would love to hear from you, but only as and when you feel comfortable with things.

Take care,
Larry
 
My friend, I wish you didn't need this place, but I'm glad you're here and you're talking about what brought you here some.

I'm in kind of a different space then you are because for more than 20 years, I repressed the memories of my abuse, and since then, it's been like playing speed recovery. Were I more comfortable with my family or other adults-in-charge when I was a kid, I'd be more stable and far more successful.

Just posting here will help you, no matter what you want to talk about. The specifics of what happened to you aren't important really, unless YOU feel they are. How you feel about them, what you want to do with the things you're carrying, what help you can get, THAT'S what's important, and the guys here are more than willing to try helping you out.

By the way, if I had ANY quibble about you, it's your handle. You probably feel invisible right now. Hell, thanks to what happened to you, and afterward as well, you sure have reason to. But you aren't. No anymore. And you're heard.

We're here to help. All of us. And I offer you my friendship, ear, and shoulder unconditionally. I want nothing in return for it.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot
 
invisible, I dont know you but I replied in the unmod forum to the same question.

We only come here thru hurt, hurt can be so bad.
It is not so easy to deal with, but it is not impossible.

I post stuff yeah, when I am feeling hurt, and sometimes the hurt can be bad.

Just think that the guys here can feel your hurt, like no other place on earth,

ste
 
As you can see by my post count, I am also very new here. First I want to say, I am sorry you have a need to be here, and I am glad you came here.
Now, I am going to try to answer your question. However, first I am going to tell you not to do everything I did. I am trying to be honest with you about what I did. However, I did it wrong. I later worked in a mental health (behavioral health, in newspeak) facility. While there I took a lot of tests and chatted with some Doctors and clinicians, I never directly mentioned it. I can tell you that my mental health was so bad it was transparent. Some of the clinicians even referred to me as the token client-employee. I didnt last too long there. All I am trying to get to here, is that going it alone is not healthy.
About seven years after it happened (dont wait that long) I told my mother. She told me, dont ever talk about my friends that way.
Fast-forward about fifteen years (dont wait that long). I ended up telling my father-in-law. I dont remember what the issue was. However, I think he was trying to head off some troubles my wife and I were having (and were still together after over 20 years). He asked if he could tell her, I told him not too. As far as I know, he never has.
Next, about ten years later, I mentioned it in a Graduate level Psychology paper. It was one of those personal biography things that you are supposed to do in Graduate school. That was a very hard paper to write.
Finally, I had to tell my supervisor (at least I think I told her, I certainly alluded to it). I normally do very well with visits to our PC290s (registered sex offenders). However, I had a particular initial investigation that was just too close to my story. I let her know that there were very personal reasons involving myself (you see; I still really do not come out) that made me a poor choice for the investigation. That my lifes experiences could lead to a compromise of the prosecution value of my investigation (at least that is pretty close to the wording). Before I made it back to my office someone else was assigned to that investigation (and the perp is now in a correctional institution).
That is the whole summary of my telling. DONT DO WHAT I DID!
Remember, you didnt do anything wrong. However, you may need help getting over the injury that someone else caused you. Think of it this way, if someone stabbed, with a knife, or shot, you would you go get help? At the very least to insure that no vitals were hit, the answer to that question should be yes.
 
Hi invisableboy.

Like you I felt as though I was being internally eaten away, with anger, rage, guilt and a total feeling of failure. But as I started to realise that what was done to me was none of my fault I started to heal and I started to talk about what happened and in a space of five years my eating away is slowly starting to subside but its bloody hard work, but the rewards far outweigh the negatives. Hang in there it will get better although you may feel you arnt progressing when in fact you are.

Regards

Kirk
 
Invisi:

Welcome to this place. You are among friends who have been there and understand. I was consummed with actng out behaviors for over twenty years before I sought help. I found two excellent therapists, and after five years am finally feeling a lot of joy in my life. It is very hard work, but well worth it once you get to the other side. Take it slow, and at your own pace. Peace my friend.

Paul David
 
Invisibleboy;

I want to take this moment to appologise. I hijacked your thread. All I was really trying to say is that, from experince, you will probably be better off to find someone you can truse and tell them. And to do so as soon as possible.

And sorry about interjecting my story into your thread. Sorry.

RC
 
InvisibleBoy,
i have promised myself that i will try to really write a post telling about my past. i have promised myself that i will try to do it tonight because i don't know what else to do to make myself feel better. i probably won't be able to make myself do it, but that is my promise to myself that i am going to try to keep.
Click to expand...
There's no need to pressure yourself. You've been through way more than enough. Go easy on yourself. Post what you can when you can.

I used to get dizzy sometimes, or really, really itchy, when I tried to post. The other day I was writing an email to a friend and struggled to type the word, "rape." I've been here over two years now, in T two years, and I've disclosed to bunches of people. This stuff is just plain hard.

You know what? It's hard but it's worth it. I'm glad for you that you found the courage and strength to post. It might take a while for the realization to sink in, but nothing bad will happen over you posting here. You'll find a lot of really wonderful people here. You're in a good place now.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Invisible,

Congratulations on the courage it took you to post here for the first time. I think everyone here can relate to the trepidation of it. It is a tremendous leap, and you have taken it.

I had never told anyone of what had happened to me until I sought help, online. It was still several months before I told anyone in 'real life'. It is something that people do at their own pace. Please do not judge yourself based on the healing of others. It is not a race, and there is no special timing of how we are supposed to do things. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself. It will get better.

Leosha
 
Hello Invisibleboy, I am fairly new here as well and I believe we spoke in the chat room once. I Have to echo most of what has already been said.

I only want you to know That I get very scared sometimes as well. When I first came to this site I didn't expect that. I am not scared of the people here but of what I might find in me. I am scared alot that I will find a worthless shell of a person that deserved to be abused. But for all my fears I find Love-The good Kind. For ever fear I have about something I keep finding Good hidden and buried deep with in me. But I do understand the fears.
To answer your question more directly-I am 40 now and didn't tell anyone until i was in my 30s-for My own reasons I felt i had to to keep up appearances. I felt I had to be quiet so I didn't rock the boat. That was wrong. My Boat needed to be rocked.
I guess what i want you to know is you are doing what you need to right now to save yourself--that is right. whether you move or grow or change is up to you in your own time for you. You don't have to be anything but who you are really inside behind all the deceptions and lies you were forced to believe in.
You are not invisible or stupid or dumb or wrong. nor was I really--It saved me before I was ready to deal with somethings. I Know sry to rant on but I just needed to say this to you. I can only tell you that for ever bad time I went through it was worth it to be here now. I have thought of many ways out of this all but none compare the feeling of knowing I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. That was for me as much as you.

I feel more Loved here MS than I have ever felt in my life so yes I was alone alot-I have never been in Love, Yet. and my friends were always there to satisfy a need at the time but not really there for me. I have one true friend now that helps me when she can. But the best thing I have is the people here. Thank you for finding us all. We are better for having you here and I hope you are as well from us.

Anything you need or feel is dumb or small or big or burdonsome ask and someone will be glad to help--I know this first hand. there are no stupid questions and you are not a burdun to us. Ever.
No matter what you do always know you have a safe Home here anytime-I believe this with all my heart now.I am still getting use to that idea but I know how I feel and that is safe(r).
 
Invisible - take your time...no one else can tell you what to do. We can tell you what has worked for us & maybe what has not. Anything that you want to write here is relevant.

We will help you the best we can - I've found that my gut feelings tell me who I can talk to.

The first time you tell someone is the most difficult. Once you've done that, then it becomes easier.

Best wishes...Rik
 
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