Hi Guys, new to the site-possible trigger
I am Dominic. I found this site and registered back in February but have not taken the initative to post.
If I am being honest with myself, I have to say I have not posted out of fear. Fear that I would not be believed because I really do not have memories of the event. From reading a few of the posts it seems like everyone has memories of the abuse. I do not. For about the last 6 years or even longer I have always asked the question of myself if I was sexually abused at sometime, but blew off the notion because I had no memories of it. The only reason I know some specific details is because I have been doing some nontraditional therapy with a person who I will refer to as a a "spiritualist".
When I started working with her I had begun about 5 years before a spiritual journey trying to determine what was wrong with me. I had some medical problems (abdominal bloating, severe constipation, wt gain, depression, severe abdominal pain)that there was no medical reason for. My journey eventually lead me to this spiritualist who after a couple of session and her telling me I had a lot of saddness and anger that needed to be released I felt comfortable with her. I went to her one day and asked her if I was sexually abused as a kid. (what is interesting, is that I had two of my friends prior to this over the years ask me if I was sexuall abused as a kid, because of some things I share with them)
When I asked her she began to see the events and shared them with me. It was not until I was ready to hear the answer that she was able to see the events to share with me. I began working with her about 14 months ago and have made good process. I still get discouraged at times because it feels like it is never ending. One of the many thing I have had to work thru was denial. It was very easy to do because I had no memories. The abuse happened when I was 4 (currently I'm 32). I remember very little from my childhood. My memories are very spotty from about age 4 to 14.
I have a vague memory (sense) of the abuser. He was a close family friend. What is interesting is that my mom and dad do not remember anyone like I describe. I have vague memory of my face being up against a hairy chest and enjoying the feel of it. I have often thought if that memory was of my dad but he does not have a hairy chest. I remember as a older kid ages 8-12 or so wondering to myself if someone was going to come along and molest me and at times desiring that. I never did understand that thought at that time, but today it makes sense. I remember as a kid desiring the attention of a man.
I had my first sexual experience at age 16 with a woman. (I am gay)I had no problems with the expereince. I came out about age 22 or 23. After I came out I attempted only a couple of times to have sex with men but I had a lot of fear, anxiety about it. I was always scared that the sex would get out of control, rough and I would get hurt. I historically have not been very aggressive when it comes to sex and while I have been attracted to sexually aggressive men it has always scared the hell out of me. This resulted in my just kind of going along for the ride. I have had erectile problems and the sex was never enjoyable. It was more stress. Because of this, unless I was in a relationship I avoided sex.
I have never felt confident sexually and always doubted myself. When men showed interest in me I would think " what is your true motive". I even thouht that the men I dated, when the expressed how handsome or sexy they thought I was, only wanted me for my body.
Over the last 14 months I have dealt with becomning aware of my abuse, denial, anger, sadness, dirty feeling, guilt, shame, wanting to die, feelings of rejection, lack of self worth and love etc. I have been afraid that I will get punished if I have sex.
I have taken out my aggression/anger by thowing dishes and breaking them underneath a bridge, tearing up a chair in my bedroom by beating the shit out of it with a hammer. There have been many times I think I was going to go crazy. One of the hardest lesson which I am just getting past was learning to speak up for myself. I have always been afraid of authority figures. They always scared the crap out of me. Over the past couple of months I received anonmyous death threats from one of my students at the university where I teach. This was a big trigger for me, because it certainly mirrored the victimization mentality that I Have been harboring. The university police were not doing any investigation and I had to put up a huge stink about their lack of investigation and protection of me. I was so scared that I would get in trouble if I caused a stink and would not be protected. I did not get in trouble for speaking up for myself, thank God. They have not found the person to date but they hav a suspect and are trying to build their case. So this experience gave me the opportunity to learn to speak up for myself and not getting in trouble for it.
Yesterday I identified another suppressed emotion which I did not list above. I became aware of how alone I have felt. I found a book yesterday that was specifically written about men who were sexually abused as kids. It was thru reading it that I allowed myself to be triggered and then trying hard to remain conscious of the pain and feelings I idenitied how alone I have felt. I found a lot of comfort in the book.
Today I still have some fear about being sexual with men. Still have some erectile difficulties and still avoid sex. I am slowly trying to experience sex with men and move thru the fear and it is working but is a slow process. I have to really push myself to have sexual relations with a man but I am trying to be gentle with myself and be very aware of my feelings. Some of my recent expereinces have not been the safest (in regards to using protection) which I know is not the best choice but I acknowledge at least for myself that it has been part of the process for me. It is not something I have done frequently or plan to continue.
Well thanks for listening (is that really the correct word). I have rambled long enough. I am not sure why I posted other than it felt as though it was time for me to begin sharing with persons who have been abused as well. I have told my parents, friends and some of my co-workers even. They have all been supportive but I think they lack the understanding only because they have not had to go thru the experience themselves (which is good).
Thanks again
Dominic
If I am being honest with myself, I have to say I have not posted out of fear. Fear that I would not be believed because I really do not have memories of the event. From reading a few of the posts it seems like everyone has memories of the abuse. I do not. For about the last 6 years or even longer I have always asked the question of myself if I was sexually abused at sometime, but blew off the notion because I had no memories of it. The only reason I know some specific details is because I have been doing some nontraditional therapy with a person who I will refer to as a a "spiritualist".
When I started working with her I had begun about 5 years before a spiritual journey trying to determine what was wrong with me. I had some medical problems (abdominal bloating, severe constipation, wt gain, depression, severe abdominal pain)that there was no medical reason for. My journey eventually lead me to this spiritualist who after a couple of session and her telling me I had a lot of saddness and anger that needed to be released I felt comfortable with her. I went to her one day and asked her if I was sexually abused as a kid. (what is interesting, is that I had two of my friends prior to this over the years ask me if I was sexuall abused as a kid, because of some things I share with them)
When I asked her she began to see the events and shared them with me. It was not until I was ready to hear the answer that she was able to see the events to share with me. I began working with her about 14 months ago and have made good process. I still get discouraged at times because it feels like it is never ending. One of the many thing I have had to work thru was denial. It was very easy to do because I had no memories. The abuse happened when I was 4 (currently I'm 32). I remember very little from my childhood. My memories are very spotty from about age 4 to 14.
I have a vague memory (sense) of the abuser. He was a close family friend. What is interesting is that my mom and dad do not remember anyone like I describe. I have vague memory of my face being up against a hairy chest and enjoying the feel of it. I have often thought if that memory was of my dad but he does not have a hairy chest. I remember as a older kid ages 8-12 or so wondering to myself if someone was going to come along and molest me and at times desiring that. I never did understand that thought at that time, but today it makes sense. I remember as a kid desiring the attention of a man.
I had my first sexual experience at age 16 with a woman. (I am gay)I had no problems with the expereince. I came out about age 22 or 23. After I came out I attempted only a couple of times to have sex with men but I had a lot of fear, anxiety about it. I was always scared that the sex would get out of control, rough and I would get hurt. I historically have not been very aggressive when it comes to sex and while I have been attracted to sexually aggressive men it has always scared the hell out of me. This resulted in my just kind of going along for the ride. I have had erectile problems and the sex was never enjoyable. It was more stress. Because of this, unless I was in a relationship I avoided sex.
I have never felt confident sexually and always doubted myself. When men showed interest in me I would think " what is your true motive". I even thouht that the men I dated, when the expressed how handsome or sexy they thought I was, only wanted me for my body.
Over the last 14 months I have dealt with becomning aware of my abuse, denial, anger, sadness, dirty feeling, guilt, shame, wanting to die, feelings of rejection, lack of self worth and love etc. I have been afraid that I will get punished if I have sex.
I have taken out my aggression/anger by thowing dishes and breaking them underneath a bridge, tearing up a chair in my bedroom by beating the shit out of it with a hammer. There have been many times I think I was going to go crazy. One of the hardest lesson which I am just getting past was learning to speak up for myself. I have always been afraid of authority figures. They always scared the crap out of me. Over the past couple of months I received anonmyous death threats from one of my students at the university where I teach. This was a big trigger for me, because it certainly mirrored the victimization mentality that I Have been harboring. The university police were not doing any investigation and I had to put up a huge stink about their lack of investigation and protection of me. I was so scared that I would get in trouble if I caused a stink and would not be protected. I did not get in trouble for speaking up for myself, thank God. They have not found the person to date but they hav a suspect and are trying to build their case. So this experience gave me the opportunity to learn to speak up for myself and not getting in trouble for it.
Yesterday I identified another suppressed emotion which I did not list above. I became aware of how alone I have felt. I found a book yesterday that was specifically written about men who were sexually abused as kids. It was thru reading it that I allowed myself to be triggered and then trying hard to remain conscious of the pain and feelings I idenitied how alone I have felt. I found a lot of comfort in the book.
Today I still have some fear about being sexual with men. Still have some erectile difficulties and still avoid sex. I am slowly trying to experience sex with men and move thru the fear and it is working but is a slow process. I have to really push myself to have sexual relations with a man but I am trying to be gentle with myself and be very aware of my feelings. Some of my recent expereinces have not been the safest (in regards to using protection) which I know is not the best choice but I acknowledge at least for myself that it has been part of the process for me. It is not something I have done frequently or plan to continue.
Well thanks for listening (is that really the correct word). I have rambled long enough. I am not sure why I posted other than it felt as though it was time for me to begin sharing with persons who have been abused as well. I have told my parents, friends and some of my co-workers even. They have all been supportive but I think they lack the understanding only because they have not had to go thru the experience themselves (which is good).
Thanks again
Dominic
, but if that's what it takes, that is OK too