Hi everyone

Hi everyone
WeighedDown

WeighedDown

Registrant
Hi there guys,

I’m new to this site but am grateful to have found a place with people who understand what the hell is going on in my mind.

Essentially-
I’m 30 and have always had a very foggy and choppy memory of my childhood. There was a lot of emotional and mental abuse happening from both parents. I come from a very large extended family with 25 cousins on just one side. I had always felt like I was molested but couldn’t place it although i had disturbing memories involving my male cousins but was scared to ask anyone in my family.
Last year I had a conversation with my sister where she revealed to me that she was molested by cousin (one of the ones I have the molestation memories of)
I called my mother and said I need to tell you that there was sexual abuse going on to me and my sister when we were kids and she IMMEDIATELY said it was my cousin (and was correct on exactly who it was out of 25)
She said she thought she witnessed him fondling me but the family told her she was crazy and fought with her til she dropped it.

So here I am, 30 years old and having many difficult flash backs and memories and realizations about my life and my past.
It’s hard to look back at your childhood and have large chunks missing and a cloud of horrible memories blanketing the rest of it.
A LOT is hazy and confusing but i am 100 percent sure I remember there being an adult male involved.
I have a feeling that it was someone who was abusing me and my two male cousins and my cousin in turn behaved the way he did to my sister and I.

Some things I struggle with that I believe are a result of this
-overweight! I always have struggled with this and think I overeat as a coping mechanism
-flashbacks around children. I have no attraction towards children at all but sometimes I will feel like people think I do
(Does this make sense? It’s a baseless fear but I feel it’s connected
-major insomnia and lifelong sleepwalking/night terrors
-identity issues. I am a firm believer that I was born gay but sometimes an evil little voice comes in and tells me it’s because of this.

Does it get easier? Does talking here help people feel a little less trapped by this?

Anyway
Sorry for the long ramble
I haven’t talked to many people about this stuff and it is nice to be able to let it out.

Peace and thanks for the support
 
Hi WaitedDown

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what brings you here. Glad you have had the courage to reach out.You are struggling with symptoms that are common around hear. I don't over eat but know all your other symptoms. I feel the same about sexual identity, I had to put it all out of my life as I just don't know. Thanks for posting your introduction.

Peace
Be safe Esterio
 
Hi WD

I can identify with alot of the above
I'm from a very big family and was abused by my uncle , cousin ( and others ).

Here it is safe to share. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you shared here with us

Peace
HL
 
Hi WD. I can relate a lot to your story. at age 30 (25 years ago) I started to remember my own abuse by my father. I, too, struggle with SSA, but identify as straight. (married almost 30 years)

More memories (though still sketchy) were uncovered last month.

Still worry that, as I share my story, folks will assume I am a pedophile and am not safe with kids. So I am extra dilligent about that (not being alone with kids, etc.)

If you ever want to I more, let me know - send me a PrivateConvo.
 
Hi WD and welcome to the site. I know others will help make u feel welcome here its a good place for guys like us.
 
Hi WD. Yes it DOES get easier. With therapy and work on ourselves. I have been in recovery for 15 years now and, though I never will forget, it has ceased to be the crushing burden it felt like when I started this journey.

I, too, questioned whether the CSA made me gay. And I have found that the answer, for me, is no!

Please continue to write here and engage at your own pace.
 
Thanks for the replies guys.
Just knowing that there are others I can talk to about these things is really comforting

It’s hard to only be able to talk to people who say they are “here for you” but knowing they have no idea what it’s like
 
It’s hard to only be able to talk to people who say they are “here for you” but knowing they have no idea what it’s like [/QUOTE said:
No one who has not gone through what we have gone through will ever really understand, despite their desire to help.

That is why we are unique here. Every single survivor DOES understand!
Click to expand...
 
Welcome WD I also had the fear that people would think I was an abuser, it used to pop into my head anytime I was around children, the thought was so persistent that I was afraid I was hiding my attraction to children from myself. It made me fear having children. I worked through it in therapy and found the roots of the fear in how I was abused. Now it doesn’t bother me at all.
Welcome again
 
So glad you found us WD. This place is like an oasis where wanderers such as us survivors can find solace and sustenance. Living with the residue of sexual abuse can be both confusing and painful which it most likely was from the beginning. Discovering others who KNOW the experience is a great relief. There is NOTHING you've experienced, felt, thought that hasn't been encountered by other men who found their way to MaleSurvivor. Here we can tell the truth and can ask for help. We are not alone any longer.

Eating has been part of my journey and no doubt spending 11 years in a food oriented 12 Step fellowship contributed to my capacity to do the work I'm doing about the sexual abuse which has always been at the heart of my overeating. Being fat protected me, or at least I believed that to be true. I also know the discomfort around my reaction to children. It was less I thought of abusing them that I was afraid my anger would come out and hurt them. Multiple marriages failed when my partner wanted to have a child and my terror wouldn't let me think about it.

Stay in touch with us WD and use this fellowship to explore your feelings and share your struggles. It can get better but the process takes time and dedication. Read as much as you can here and you'll learn how healing happens. Glad you found us!
 
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