hi all and questions

[-princess-]

hi all youz, i use other forums for this topic (web-md, twhj) and feel we can help each other here too, i will probably meet some of you in the chat too but i seem to stick to forums more recently.

to introduce myself, i'm 22 and live in brighton uk with my girlfriend and 2y old son (and an occasional mother-out-law), i was abused several times between ages of 10 and 16 tho the details are impossible to focus on now. over the past year i have gone from being ignorant of the effect it's had on me to not being able to function at a normal level because of memories and triggers and fear.

a few days ago i had my first ever therapy session, and it was very confusing. i still fear it will be no more helpful than when i tried councelling about 8 years ago i think, she could give me nothing more than my own words threaded differently.

i want to know what i can expect of her or other therapists. i want hugs and security, i want to be guided, i want to learn about who i really am... i've realised that she may just be unwilling to extend herself until she gets a better idea of who i am and that there's nothing to be lost from trying to work with her, i'm just scared about doing an iccarus, failing to reach my goal and falling badly.

if anyone can tell me about different therapy techniques and practices (esp. common to the uk) i will have something to work with on monday.

also, as i'm having problems with being functional for gf+son partly because of sexual confusion, has anyone experienced not wanting to be aroused because it causes to much confusion?

gotta go eat chocolate now, seeyall soon

 

[Wuamei]

hi all youz, i use other forums for this topic (web-md, twhj) and feel we can help each other here too, i will probably meet some of you in the chat too but i seem to stick to forums more recently.

Hi Princess & welcome to MS, a good place for the bad things that bring you here.

"Youz"--for a minute there I thot maybe you were from Brooklyn New York or something (I was born in Manhattan).

to introduce myself, i'm 22 and live in brighton uk with my girlfriend and 2y old son (and an occasional mother-out-law), i was abused several times between ages of 10 and 16 tho the details are impossible to focus on now. over the past year i have gone from being ignorant of the effect it's had on me to not being able to function at a normal level because of memories and triggers and fear.

Princess I was abused in among other things a regular incestuous relationship from the ages of 2 or 3 until I was 10 or 11. Only 35 years later, about 20 months ago, did the memories & flashbacks
start bringing it all back to me.

But at least now I know what is so affecting my life and I'm starting to get some ideas of how to deal with it. Like good therapy...

a few days ago i had my first ever therapy session, and it was very confusing. i still fear it will be no more helpful than when i tried councelling about 8 years ago i think, she could give me nothing more than my own words threaded differently.

That first therapy session with anyone is tough, especially for we survivors, who for good reasons have so much trouble trusting. So offhand & just from the little I know, you may want to give this T (therapist) a bit more time.

Over the last 13 years I've had 4 T's, the last two very long-term & pretty regular. Only with the 4th & current T did my abuse memories & issues
come out, & then only after a few years with him.
It just came out as I kept talking with him about other issues, trying to figure out why I am like I am, what's going on inside me, and what I can do about it. Now I know--yet of course I've still a lot to learn, and to do. But at least I'm on the right path. At last.

i want to know what i can expect of her or other therapists. i want hugs and security, i want to be guided, i want to learn about who i really am... i've realised that she may just be unwilling to extend herself until she gets a better idea of who i am and that there's nothing to be lost from trying to work with her, i'm just scared about doing an iccarus, failing to reach my goal and falling badly.

Any good T should be able to give guidance, helping you find yourself. As to touch, some T's will have a no touch policy due to legal issues or just personal discomfort with that. With my current T & I, touch is infrequent & spontaneous, a handshake sometimes a hug.

What really helps me as far as touch therapy (and my chronic pain!) is massage therapy, and chiropractic, which I get as often as I'm able. Healing affirming touch in a safe nonsexual setting can be very powerful for an SA survivor, if you're ready for it.

As to failing to reach your goal, just remember the goal is recovery, healing, wholeness, and that it is a process. Look for progress not perfection. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the ride!

if anyone can tell me about different therapy techniques and practices (esp. common to the uk) i will have something to work with on monday.

Don't know about the UK but many of us here have had a number of different kinds of therapy. Let me refer you to a few threads of posts here, including a couple on seeking a T or questions about a T, a few about EMDR therapy, one about my experience with 2-chair (Gestalt) therapy, and a good article by Ken Singer about "therapist shopping":

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001552#000001

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001616#000003

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001188#000018

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=000881#000000

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001356#000005

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001168#000000

https://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/singer1.htm

also, as i'm having problems with being functional for gf+son partly because of sexual confusion, has anyone experienced not wanting to be aroused because it causes to much confusion?

Have we?! Here are a few more threads...

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001207#000003

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001446#000000

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=000442#000000

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001588#000004

gotta go eat chocolate now, seeyall soon

Sounds familiar, also sounds like a good idea...

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

Princess
I'm from the UK as well, there's a few of us Brit's here - because it's the best place to be.

The best therapists for us are one that deal solely with SA ( SEXUAL ABUSE ) and they can be hard to find.
I went to a charity called AXIS here in the Midlands, but there are many SA charities around. I do have some contacts that might be able to recommend one if your existing one is a 'general' therapist.

As to advice, well just go in and talk, then talk some more. A good T wont promise you a magic wand or a cure, there aint one unfortunately. But a good T will make you think about what's going on inside your head in a way you haven't done before.
And I found that I already had most of the answers I needed, I just couldn't find them on my own.

The sexual confusion runs deep within many of us, mine did I know. And it still does to a degree but it's getting better.

The best thing that happens to us is when we suddenly find people around us support us, they dont run for cover screaming.
Nobody here will run for cover, we're here to support each other.
I hope you stay around for your share.

Dave

But having said that, a good therapist should be able to guide you and help you. One session isn't enough to judge really

 

[-princess-]

thanks for your replys (and anyone else that took the time to read and understand)

went for the monday and she had a big copper/brown velvet bean bag and a cd-player so i just retreated into the beanbag and put bob dylan (another side of) on, maybe i should've chosen something less lyrical... i was worried she would still be sitting on her formal chair way up above me but she found some more cusions and sat at floor level (though still a bit rigid) across the room.

we covered the topic of her 'methods'; she doesn't think of it 'in those terms' but i think she will try out different approches if need be, i tested to see if i could make her smile...

we spoke about my hopes and fears for a class reunion (how did that come up?) and something about having no boundries and going where i like as a child...

well, she managed to not make it into some big thing on my mother so i guess she really is listning to my view point.

oh, she is listed as 'humanistic person centered' and preffers to be called a counceller, and she does specialise in abuse. i don't know what to think, at least there's nothing as daunting as having to grip electrodes and relive everything! i guess i'm positive, and i'm not loosing anything (well, 25 pounds a week, but apparently that within the realms of acceptable losses accoording to my family!)

i guess that means i'm goiong again next week so i'll prob' write again then...