Hey guys!
Well, this is a long one!
Ive always had a reacurring dream revolving around a christmas morning when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I never really finished the dream; for some reason I would wake up and then fall back asleep not to dream of it again for a while.
I knew something wasnt right with me from an early age because I was extremely curious about sex. Using words that I dint know where I heard them before and in ways I didnt know what it reffered too while playing with my "He-man" toys. My sexual appetite soard as soon as I hit puberty and I lost my virginity at the age of 15. However I was sexually active far prior to losing my virginity but I thought it was "Natural". Now Im 26 yrs old and my sex drive hasnt sloped in the slightest, while my body cant seem to handle my cravings. So about a month ago when the dream actually went non stop until I made myself wake up it came clear to me why I am the way I am.
Im fearing more flashbacks because I honestly dont think this was the first...or even the last time something like this has happend to me. Honestly its not the actual abuse thats been bothering me so much, its how my family choose to "forget" it thats got me confused.
Christmas morning is blurry but I remember the basics. My parents early in the morning realized I had no milk for cereal so they ran to the store. I stayed alone in our 2 bedroom apartment with my Uncle while my parents ran to the store. I remember going into the bathroom..doing things and then being told its a "secret". Unfortunatly I wasnt the kind of kid to keep a secret because as soon as we started to open presents I told my parents "Uncle Randy put his pee-pee in my mouth".
I remember watching him run out the door; and my father looking at me in a way I cant even describe. My christmas was pretty much over at that point because I remember being sent to my room. Up until this point in time I never "remembered" but pretty much knew something must have happened to me as a child. I guess whats hurting me the most is my parents KNOW about this but must be hoping Im never going to remember it.
Well I have and it couldnt have happend in a more confusing time in my life. The stress levels at my job have been steadily increased for the past 6 months. While my 5 year relationship with my girlfriend has been declining for the last 12 months. All on top of this is my fear of reaching 30; as the flashback occurred just a few days priror to my birthday. 2 weeks prior to the flashback I started to have a relationship with a co-worker who also is already involved with someone else as well.
I started to drink heavily and do some major drug use because I couldnt confied in anyone about what happend. I didnt realize that I was punishing myself over something that wasnt my fault until I completely self destructed and damn near killed myself.
Although the memories are painfull Im glad the flashback occured. Im glad the pain finally surfaced and the wounds became visible to me. Its helped me to understand not why I am the way I am but WHO I AM! Im a survivor whos turned a bad experience into a postivive life changing event.
Hitting the bottom is what it took to make me realize that being a victim doesnt mean Im still being victimized. The only person who has the control over this is me; Im no longer 4 years old! Knowing this has helped me to heal the wounds I have and get a better understanding on my sexual desires.
Next step is to confront my parents and my uncle; the anger has passed almost completely. All I want right now is final wieght to be lifed by confiding within my family what happend to me when I was a child.
Forgotten
Ive always had a reacurring dream revolving around a christmas morning when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I never really finished the dream; for some reason I would wake up and then fall back asleep not to dream of it again for a while.
I knew something wasnt right with me from an early age because I was extremely curious about sex. Using words that I dint know where I heard them before and in ways I didnt know what it reffered too while playing with my "He-man" toys. My sexual appetite soard as soon as I hit puberty and I lost my virginity at the age of 15. However I was sexually active far prior to losing my virginity but I thought it was "Natural". Now Im 26 yrs old and my sex drive hasnt sloped in the slightest, while my body cant seem to handle my cravings. So about a month ago when the dream actually went non stop until I made myself wake up it came clear to me why I am the way I am.
Im fearing more flashbacks because I honestly dont think this was the first...or even the last time something like this has happend to me. Honestly its not the actual abuse thats been bothering me so much, its how my family choose to "forget" it thats got me confused.
Christmas morning is blurry but I remember the basics. My parents early in the morning realized I had no milk for cereal so they ran to the store. I stayed alone in our 2 bedroom apartment with my Uncle while my parents ran to the store. I remember going into the bathroom..doing things and then being told its a "secret". Unfortunatly I wasnt the kind of kid to keep a secret because as soon as we started to open presents I told my parents "Uncle Randy put his pee-pee in my mouth".
I remember watching him run out the door; and my father looking at me in a way I cant even describe. My christmas was pretty much over at that point because I remember being sent to my room. Up until this point in time I never "remembered" but pretty much knew something must have happened to me as a child. I guess whats hurting me the most is my parents KNOW about this but must be hoping Im never going to remember it.
Well I have and it couldnt have happend in a more confusing time in my life. The stress levels at my job have been steadily increased for the past 6 months. While my 5 year relationship with my girlfriend has been declining for the last 12 months. All on top of this is my fear of reaching 30; as the flashback occurred just a few days priror to my birthday. 2 weeks prior to the flashback I started to have a relationship with a co-worker who also is already involved with someone else as well.
I started to drink heavily and do some major drug use because I couldnt confied in anyone about what happend. I didnt realize that I was punishing myself over something that wasnt my fault until I completely self destructed and damn near killed myself.
Although the memories are painfull Im glad the flashback occured. Im glad the pain finally surfaced and the wounds became visible to me. Its helped me to understand not why I am the way I am but WHO I AM! Im a survivor whos turned a bad experience into a postivive life changing event.
Hitting the bottom is what it took to make me realize that being a victim doesnt mean Im still being victimized. The only person who has the control over this is me; Im no longer 4 years old! Knowing this has helped me to heal the wounds I have and get a better understanding on my sexual desires.
Next step is to confront my parents and my uncle; the anger has passed almost completely. All I want right now is final wieght to be lifed by confiding within my family what happend to me when I was a child.
Forgotten
