he's still gone-i'm still here

[reesersgrl]

It's been just about two months since my Fiance (I guess I should say Ex at this point) opted out of our relationship. It's still very hard getting through every day, trying to make sense of it all. I spent every day with him as my main focus. Caring, worrying, trying to be there for him in every way, believing things would get better for him and for us eventually. Now, here I am, without him, STILL worrying and caring and wondering how he is doing.
I havent heard one word from him. Its like he dropped off the face of the earth. The last time I saw him, it seemed as if he were void of emotion, a black soul. How different his life would have been if not for the abuse he suffered. I feel so sad for him that he probably will never know the comfort and security and trust of real love. He had that FROM me, but couldnt give it back TO me.
I come here still and read the posts and find myself still learning and still relating to these stories. Even though it's painful, its also very helpful. Its a reminder of the powerful effect that this abuse has had on him. As weird as this sounds, it helps me not to take it so personally.
I wish everyone here the strength to conquer what seems impossible at times. To the survivors, your partners and friends and family are still with you for a reason. They believe in you. They want to help. They know you are worthy of their love. Share with them, talk to them, take a chance with them. Trust in them. Anything you tell them, will not change their opinion of who you are. They already know who you are in your heart.

 

[Emerald]

Reesersgirl:

I can empathize with the pain you're feeling. And it's worse because of the "limbo" situation this creates for you. I believe that he knows you love him. That responsibility terrifies him. And feeling love for you brings up so much of the rage at SA in him that he has to run away to not "feel" so much.

You can't help him. Only he can do that. But you can help yourself. Are you attending CODA? Or Alanon? Have you started doing stuff with friends? Are you seeing a T? Are you in touch with family? Can you get away for a bit, take a vacation or weekend trip?

When this happened to me ... I gave myself the task of refinishing my bathroom. It was a small room, didn't feel too overwhelming. I made myself go look at wallpaper, over and over. Nothing pleased me. It took an entire year. As the year was coming to a close, I thought I HAVE to do something here. This is ridiculous. So I painted a white undercoat...and then decided I liked it white! So silly. But at least the project helped take my mind off limbo and my situation and feelings. This was just one of a number of things I did to regain my life.

This is a time to start putting your life back together ... since you spent all your time focusing on him, there are probably parts of it that have been neglected. You probably don't feel like doing this ... but I found the only way to handle this limbo was to push myself hard to start! Your heart will follow here, not lead.

If or when he comes back again ... you'll be in a healthier place for both of you. You must have your own life, whether or not you're in a relationship. It's called balance. Sounds like yours was out of balance, like mine.

Anyway, hugs and I wish you the very best. Emerald

 

[SAR]

This may sound very flaky but hear me out
I think Emerald is on to something very important.

I made myself go look at wallpaper, over and over. Nothing pleased me. It took an entire year. As the year was coming to a close, I thought I HAVE to do something here. This is ridiculous. So I painted a white undercoat...and then decided I liked it white!

I went to the office supply store yesterday-- I LOVE these stores-- I probably spent fifteen minutes just looking at all of the pens they had, the colors and shapes, before I picked out the ones I was going to buy. There is something very empowering, and just fun, about listening to ourselves when we make decisions.

I could enjoy looking at all those pens, but when I took one off the rack I was confident that it was the one I wanted. And when I left the store I wasn't thinking about all the other pens I could have had, or didn't buy-- I was thinking how nice it is that people like all those different things and that even if some of them don't like what I like, they can go and get what THEY like. What they want is there, and what I want is there. That just made me very happy yesterday.

I guess I am saying if the wallpaper, or a vacation, seems like an extreme place to start, you could just start with a new pen. Or lunch. Or socks. Whatever is fun and not a lot of pressure.

This really is important and on topic for me, because it is part of the boundary between healthy and unhealthy ways I can be giving in my relationship. It is not always unhealthy to focus on others, but when my focus on others obscures my ability to imagine, care, choose, for myself, that is a signal to me that my focus is unhealthy.

SAR
(edited for typos)