He's OK...Now what?

[Mark R]

My..I don't even know what to call him...friend/lover/partner, Dale called tonight. He is OK. He is back in WA. He drove all the way to me in southern CA...drove by my house...and couldn't knock on the door. He says he feels he just isn't worthy being with someone like me. He says he has done horrible things and I "deserve someone who isn't crazy." I was correct, he was dissociating. He's been doing that for a long time he told me tonight...he didn't know what it was. He thought...and thinks...he is crazy. He says he doesn't feel he can stay with his mom and stepdad and stepbrother even though they have said he is welcome as long as he wants. He says he is very confused and doesn't know what to do.
There is so much to consider. The emotional incest of my mother is so much different than what he has and is going through;I only had a few dissociative episodes when I was younger.
We are connected on so many levels, even before we knew about each other's abuse. He says he loves me. I definitely love him. I know he sees me as a father figure and if he loves me he also probably feels fear, too.
Like he said, he was afraid to knock on my door. I am sure the fear is that if I love him, I am going to abuse him as well. After all, that's what his dad did.
I know none of this will be easy. I know what our chances are. We still don't know whether he is HIV+ from the rape in Feb. But, I care for him. He is such a sweet, dear man, who, like all of us, doesn't deserve what's happened.
Other than lots and lots of therapy...for him, for me, for us (which we can't afford)what do I do now?

 

[MrDon]

Therapy is what he needs. There are "cheaper" options of therapy like county social workers or even some non-profit organizations. There are some therapists out there that will work with you based upon your income and any insurance you may or may not have.

While you can support him and be there for him and accept him, what he faces is too much for your relationship to handle. That is why I said he needs therapy. All of these things suck the energy out of relationships (and yet it can draw you closer at the same time). He needs to be able to have a non-involved-third person to help him through this. I think the biggest role you could play would be to support him and his quest to heal through therapy.

It is good that he called you up because that does show that he truly trusts you and respects you. I know how this stuff can make me feel and how unworthy, unloveable I feel at times. You must be someone very special to him.

Don

 

[Mark R]

Don...Thanks...I know he needs therapy...that's what has gotten me through. I suspect he, we and me all will be in therapy for some time. My current plan is to act as a guide and companion, to support him and his way of dealing with this. All I can tell him is what my experience has been...but they are completely different kinds of abuse. All I can do is be there for him. Hopefully he will agree to come back and live with me in CA...maybe we can get some help from the Sinatra Center here locally. As a nurse, I know what the county system has...zilch. When I called, they said they won't discuss the sexuality of their therapists and it would be the luck of the draw whether you get a male or female. So that is out. I have some other resources. Times like this I wish I was nearer to a big city. Maybe we will end up in L.A. or San Diego.
I know it will test our relationship to the limits...my only other alternative would be to say, "This is too much, find a therapist and let me know how you're doing." I certainly won't desert him if he tests HIV+, nor would I just because he has lupus. Why would I leave him alone to deal with this?
I need all the advice I can get, though...kind words, prayers, candle lightings...Just keep some good thoughts for us. Many thanks to all. Mark

 

[MrDon]

Mark,
It is sad that the county doesn't have much.. and I wish this country would wake up and put the resources where it needs to!

My partner and I support each other a lot. I started back to therapy because I was facing a lot, but we still help each other through what we are facing. It has formed a special bond between us and we have been together now for a little over two years.

Don