he's asked for a divorce

he's asked for a divorce
D

Debi135

Registrant
My husband told me yesterday that he doesn't think he can ever be the man I want him to be, and told me that he wants to divorce. I don't know what to think - it's something that has crossed my mind more than once (in fact, has settled in to stay for a while at times) but I can't get past the fact that I truly love this man. Our relationship aside from our sex life has been reasonably good - we're generally kind to each other, and decent. But he says he's feeling like he can't get through recovery, and isn't even sure he really wants to.

Complicating the issue is the fact that I truly hate where we live - we're here only for his job, and if he were hit by a bus tomorrow I'd be on the first plane outta' here. He isn't willing to consider another job, especially not at this point, so he's "setting me free."

Things are OK at home, a little tense but generally friendly, even loving. Still, he's moved some things into the guest room... Just wish I knew how to feel about all this.
 
He's definitely feeling insufficient. He feels that he has always let you down, and believes that he always will. He thinks he's hurting you. He thinks if he stays with you, it will only hurt you more. It's depression.
 
MikeNY, I think it's a little spooky how you have nailed *exactly* what he was saying to me yesterday - seems to me that he's in this place where he's no longer convinced he's been the Perfect Husband, ergo, he must have been a total schmuck. I keep trying to impress on him that I don't see it as black or white, all or nothing, but I'm not sure it's sinking in. He's agreed to think about it for a while before we make any decisions, but he seemed pretty set on divorce yesterday. I told him he didn't have to move to the guest room even if we were divorcing, but he seems to feel more comfortable there...

What, if anything, can I do??
 
You can get him to seek help for his depression. It is probably the only thing that will help.


EDIT:
I'm going to add something.

I BEG YOU NOT TO OVERREACT TO THIS!!!

I do not know where he is in his depression. I don't know how far down he has taken himself. He has already started to isolate himself. This is the type of depression that COULD POSSIBLY lead to thoughts of suicide. Be very carefull with how you approach everything. But try to get him to seek help. Unfortunately, you are in a tough spot, you trying to help him yourself could easily increase how bad he is feeling about "how he has treated you", and "how he has let you down", and "how you deserve better". You caring about him, makes him feel worse, and even more insufficient.


Good luck and best wishes for a brighter future.
:)
 
Thanks for the advice - he's going to counseling, and has an appointment this week with his therapist. I think I'll ask if he plans to discuss this. It would make ME feel better, at least, if he intended to do that.

I agree that he's depressed, and it had occurred to me to be worried about his state of isolation, too. One of the things that kept coming back in our talk yesterday was how he has no friends... he hasn't cultivated any deep friendships here in the past five years, and hasn't maintained the ones he had from school. I've been pretty much his only close friend, and that worries me a little.
 
Debi,
Glad to hear he is going to go to counseling. About the moving into the guest room - sometimes an attempt at some appearance of isolation may be a way for him to deal with an issue that is really troubling him, beyond the discussed subject of not a good enough husband.
I hope to that you are seeking some counseling or going to a support group for yourself also during this time.
As you already know survivors are very complex -- and this next part I want to share just comes from my own experience as a survivor -- often times I would outwardly focus or discuss a subject such as "i'm a shitty wife/mom" rather than discuss or disclose that I was having more problems dealing with a new memory or realization about the abuse itself.
A distractor of sorts if you will. Because I couldnt dump the or say what was really eating at me -- I do hope that he does discuss such a life changing decision as divorce with his T before action takes place.
He also may be picking up on your dislike of living there and feeling very responsible for your own feelings. (please dont take this as a blame game just a suggestion)
My own hubby has had a very hard time developing any friends male or female in his life. No one close,and none for very long unless they want to "use" him for something (fix car/ house etc).
I dont have much for suggestions, or ideas only that I can identify some with your situation...
Maybe he will let you in on his T session to discuss the divorce subject where you will have a mediator to help guide the subject to see if he just needs space, is attempting to isolate or if it is the go away - come here dance?
I hope I didnt confuse you more... just some ideas maybe?
Best wishes for you
I have to agree to the suggestion to try not to overeact to this and that it is probably a lot to do with depression.
Sammy
 
Hi, Sammy - thanks for the advice. Yeah, I think some part of this is him feeling guilty about my unhappiness living where we are. I've maybe not been the best about that - on my good days, I can see it as a choice I made to stay with him. On the bad days, I remember that he gave me the choice of moving with him or divorcing, and has never entertained the possibility of moving anywhere else. Still won't. I try not to blame him for the decision he made six years ago - there were good reasons for him to do that, but the feeling remains that he would have made the same decision without them. Regardless... the choice to continue on this path is harder to deal with. One of the issues in our relationship has been that we don't make decisions *together*. Either he tags along, kind of weirdly passive, or it's "his way or the highway."

I'm feeling really caught at the moment, between wanting to help and loving my husband, and wondering if a divorce would really be the best thing for me. I wish that I could give 100% of my loving, *present* support to his recovery, no strings attached, but a significant part of me is thinking, "but... what about ME???" I want to tell him that I'll never leave him and will always be here for him, but I'm honestly not sure if I can keep that promise with no expectations. Makes me feel terrible.

I did ask him if he plans to discuss this with his counselor, and he does. That's a relief, at least.
 
Debi
I agree with what's been said so far - depression is likely as are the 'normal' things we tell ourselves as Victims - as Survivors we have hopefully moved on some.

As victims we think, and believe, that we are worthless and useless. And we wont be convinced otherwise by anyone.
The ONLY person who can change that thinking is the Survivor, OK - help, encouragement and support is welcome and so much help, but the decisions to change our thinking has to come from within.

One important thing you said was -

but a significant part of me is thinking, "but... what about ME???"
Click to expand...
Yes, what about you ? Firstly - you can't heal for him, and the chances are that you could easily burn yourself out trying, and you'd be of no use to him or yourself then. So do look after yourself.
Because the sad truth is - that's exactly what he's doing. Allright, it's a dysfuctional way of looking after himself but his first thoughts are about maintaining his ( not very effective ) coping mechanisms. He's packaged it neatly and said that he's thinking about you first, but look carefully.
Weigh up the balance of who's caring for who.

We're not easy people, and when we're still in victim mode we're even worse !

Take care
Dave
 
Either he tags along, kind of weirdly passive, or it's "his way or the highway."
Click to expand...
This is familiar to me. I think that a lot of survivors never sort of "grow into" themselves... part of "victim mode" is feeling dominated or belittled when really there is a part of them that's... how to put it... not exactly asking to be dominated, but putting up with much more than what someone else would consider dominating or belittling in terms of decision making, consequences, etc. I think a lot of survivors have probably never gotten to a stage of trust and self-development where they can comfortably figure out and ask for what they want, and sometimes they find it easier to let someone else make those decisions, but at the same time resent their own "incapability" to determine events and consequences in their lives.

My boyfriend and I still have this problem sometimes--he'll make a suggestion and I'll make a suggestion--I want us to discuss it and compromise, but he instantly backs off in a way that makes me think that everything is fine, and then later accuses me of vetoing him or shutting him down. I'm not trying to do this--I don't always know the difference yet between the real "Whatever you want will be fine" and the "I want something I think you don't want, so I'll shut up."

Your husband saying that he doesn't think he can be the man you want him to be sounds like this to me. Who is really defining this "what you want him to be"? Is it really demands that you're making or is it expectations he has of himself that he's putting on you? Is he feeling put down or dominated in such a way that it's led him to feel that your expectations are either hopelessly high or will result in his always being dominated? Or always feeling inadequate?

I am not, NOT, advocating any kind of unconditional support especially when it comes to this kind of behavior. We are, after all, talking about an adult here, and the adult world does not say "are you sure? are you SURE? are you SURE?" to people when they make (or opt out of) decisions. With my boyfriend, I usually let him know, one time, that I'm interested in what he really thinks and has to say and that whatever it is will be fine, even if it's not always what he thinks I want to hear... and then I try to always let it be fine, even if it really wasn't what I wanted to hear. But the reason I only say it once is because no amount of me TELLING him that he can be comfortable sharing with me is going to make him comfortable. His taking the risk and doing it, and then seeing that it turned out okay, will make him slightly more comfortable for next time. Of course we are usually talking about how to spend the evening or buying appliances, not divorce, so probably more than once is a good idea...

S
 
Debi, Sar & Guize ~
Sar I think you somehow magically have described about the first 14 years of my marriage!
The frustrations that go along with being left with the decision making is well~ so damn frustrating -- it was a lose / lose situation for us because if the decision was wrong or one he did not particular think was a good idea (refused to put in his opinion) the he did not have to "own any of it" there fore I was the over bearing bossy bitch and it was my fault. Now mind you he never and I swear NEVER said those words to me but his ACTIONS did. It kept him from having to be an adult. If the decision was a good one, then he felt like he could and should "depend and trust me more". STILL not owning his "Adult" part in our relationship.
Debi- about the "moving" part, I can identify. When hubby got out of the Navy I absolutely DID NOT want to leave CA. There was for the first time in our lives a sense of freedom from the sickness of our families. (Plus we had this SUPER Therapist) Of course we had to "follow" his choice in moving, I wanted him to stay in active he wanted to become reserve. I found out yrs later he did not want to stay in as his porn and prostitute addiction created such a fear in him he felt he could not stay faithful when were to be stationed overseas. What he "used" as an excuse to move us back was that he grew up not being close to his dad & did not want our daughters experiencing the same thing. (daughters from 1st marriage) -- WHO could say NO to that? Well, at least not me ---- I thought what a super man he was for thinking of his daughters needs above our own.
I really had a hard time dealing with the anger and frustration of having placed ourselves back within relatively easy reaching distance of our sicko families. THAT time in our marriage was probably the FIRST time we both openly talked about divorcing. I felt as if we had been set back in time by years -- no support to keep moving forward & constant sabotage not only by family members but his own addictions that I knew nothing about but suspected "something was wrong" (i cant tell you how many times i tore the house apart looking for his indescrections/secret) it literally drove me over the edge spending hours seeking out trying to find out what he was lying about.
**sorry if i am babbling here**
His behaviors escalated in many ways, not just the abuse of sex/porn. But in the ways of hiding and avoidance by seeking perfection. He was working full time, school full time & god forbid he not get a PERFECT in any exam. (he has been the only one to ever graduate that particular school with a perfect 4.0 (NEVER missed even ONE ? on a test) in the mean time we became homeless... Yes, HOMELESS due to a furnace explosion ALL during his "finals" I picked up the ball thinking it was more my duty to "fix" the problem as he had no time etc (read made excuses for him)... In the midst of this I had my first heart attack at age 30 -- the stress was killing ALL of us, in physical health, mental health, and our families health.
I'd like to say things got better -- they didnt they got worse, his behaviors, mine in the hypervigilance (jeeze i was even frightened to admit to my T at the time I thot he may abuse our girls)--
He kept overworking & perfecting / at one time the guy held down 5 jobs.. YES FIVE jobs. I just made myself believe (read bullshitted myself) that his "military man" in him made his behavior just and reasonable. If someone had said the word "avoidance" to me at the time I probably would have had to look it up in the dictionary and then would have fought the reasoning tooth and nail.
For our Tenth anniversary he told me he had an "affair" & the condom broke & we needed to be tested for STD's -- I knew something had been askew (that hypervigilance) i had been off on a week vacation with kiddos with GF @ the time. I came home & returned to someone I didnt recognize at the time -- mousy and couldnt look me in the eye or even want to have sex. Finally I threw a FIT a SCREAMING FIT (not recommended just me :p )
he admitted he had been with someone else told me the condom broke -- I couldnt even cry, being the stoic bitch that I can be -- I just put on my best tough act and told him -- choose therapy for us or divorce .... if he chose divorce no blame and no fight I would walk away easily & not expect anything I just wanted time to get a job.
He chose therapy and it was his 2nd attempt -- shortly it went by the way side with other things taking more precedence. I let it right along with him afraid of my own fears -- but never did I trust him, being a survivor myself I never trusted anyone and never did I think or even give one ounce that anyone -- and I mean ANYONE could EVER live up to my standards (read hypervigilance & critical).
I needed the control and he was more than happy to let me have it. Neither of us would take responsibility for failures or fuck ups.
We are still far from perfect -- he still struggles with the avoidance with me, and I still struggle with wanting to constantly have control. We never have been yellers, screamers fighters in our relationship -- we just sort of avoid each other until a mutual meeting or event brings us together -- we are getting better at talking to each other.
We still dont live together, not sure if we ever will --- I'm not sure what words from him have hurt me the worst regarding our relationship -- telling me that he was going to be charged with Rape, or telling me that he "fell out of love with me at about yr. 3" -- or just recently telling me "I've come to just accept that you'll probably never move home with me again"
there has been no malice in those words -- they have been truth as he knows them....

I'm feeling really caught at the moment, between wanting to help and loving my husband, and wondering if a divorce would really be the best thing for me. I wish that I could give 100% of my loving, *present* support to his recovery, no strings attached, but a significant part of me is thinking, "but... what about ME???" I want to tell him that I'll never leave him and will always be here for him, but I'm honestly not sure if I can keep that promise with no expectations. Makes me feel terrible.
Click to expand...
The passive behavior is one I totally can relate to -- I can't say i relate to the "my way or the highway" (other than my bastard of a so called "dad")
And what of YOU?
If there were some things I could make change in our relationship it would have been 1. being more honest with my T about the fear of hubby molesting the girls 2. Giving up so much control and energy into being so hypervigilante (i think it not only frightened hubby but gave him an excuse not to deal with his own abuse)
I made promises to myself mostly that were impossible for ANYONE to keep -- It is impossible to "give 100%" of oneself to another, you must take care of YOU along this journey, it is in no way selfish or unloving or breaking any "vows" to not take care of yourself while he is healing and working his journey.
Had a therapist tell me one time as a family we needed to set ground rules -- sounded easy enough, tried it -- but quite simply we still weren't "sharing all of our marbles in the game".
I think too we are entitled to some sort of "expectations" or an outcome -- especially when it comes to matters of the heart, family and our lives. Relationships are hard work even in the best of situations -- toss in a bit of dysfunction & well you know the rest....
You've got a bit of a head start here in the fact that you know about his sexual abuse -- Please place YOU as a priority in the healing path and dont feel a damn bit guilty about it (or at least not for long) -- Your Hubby must do his OWN work, there are times he will need you and lean on you until you think you'll bust, and other times you'll wonder WHO in the hell this guy is that you married? and times that you'll "see" the man who is "inside and growing" and your own self will grow....the outcome of our relationships are never known or garrunteed -- but we are responsible for ourselves along the way....
I want to share something that for years I have hung onto -- something I read as a child, it has brought me through many a time when I thought I had no more, and there could be no more to this life..... in my words, but a story written by Charlie Shedd (a minister?)...
*** I remember going to Grandma's house as a child. They lived out in the country and had an old hand pump for water. The kind of hand pump that one had to use the first two cups of water to "prime the pump". If we forgot to "prime the pump" with those first two cups of water the well would not give any more water until other water was brought from else where to prime it. How ever if we used those first two cups of water to prime Grandma's pump, that pump / well gave a never ending flow of water. All the water anyone could ever need or use. Fresh and cool, filling us , bathing us and giving us its own sort of life.
We are like that pump at Grandma's. We need to be "primed" if we are not. Well then, we simply cannot give until someone comes along with another two cups of water from somewhere else to prime us.****
Peace Guize & Hope your days are Peaceful ones
Sammy
 
sammy,
the image of the pump really made an impression with me. thank you for sharing it :) . the hypervigilance and 110% nonsense we go through has got to stop, but i know i cannot easily step down from the call to stay that vigilant or cut myself some slack. it has taken two years to give myself the fractional degree of slack that i do now. at this rate i will be on geritol before i let myself relax enough to enjoy it :D . take care.
 
Sar

My boyfriend and I still have this problem sometimes--he'll make a suggestion and I'll make a suggestion--I want us to discuss it and compromise, but he instantly backs off in a way that makes me think that everything is fine, and then later accuses me of vetoing him or shutting him down. I'm not trying to do this--I don't always know the difference yet between the real "Whatever you want will be fine" and the "I want something I think you don't want, so I'll shut up."

Sammy

The frustrations that go along with being left with the decision making is well~ so damn frustrating -- it was a lose / lose situation for us because if the decision was wrong or one he did not particular think was a good idea (refused to put in his opinion) the he did not have to "own any of it" there fore I was the over bearing bossy bitch and it was my fault. Now mind you he never and I swear NEVER said those words to me but his ACTIONS did. It kept him from having to be an adult. If the decision was a good one, then he felt like he could and should "depend and trust me more". STILL not owning his "Adult" part in our relationship.

Once again I find myself thinking "am I married to one of these women ?" But no, I just recognise what I did for so many years, and I still do a bit.

It's a great way for escaping responsibility, and as a victim it's a 'win-win' situation. Or that's how I saw it at the time, even when it all went wrong and I hated the decision that my wife made for 'us' - then I'd really get down to the serious business of turning it all around and making her feel guilty.
Looking back I think it was because I felt so inadequate, my self confidence was shot to hell, so I didn't feel able to be a part of any decision making. But as time goes on I'm getting better, this morning for instance I chose coffee instead of tea - all by myself !

Seriously though, it does get better. We have to make decisions about ourselves in order to heal ourselves, and practice makes perfect.

Dave
 
Dave,
who stirred the cream in the coffee you or wifey? LOL..
seriously tho'
Looking back I think it was because I felt so inadequate, my self confidence was shot to hell, so I didn't feel able to be a part of any decision making.
Click to expand...
Uhm, were you and my hubby reading from the same script?... Hubby has said those exact words and then has gone on to add that not only did he feel inadequate, but stupid (echoes from his childhood) and that "I think you are smarter than me Sammy" ---
I always felt like someone dumped / dumps a ton of bricks on me and kicks me in my cahonas (yea i got em') when he says that. Talk about having to "own" everything...
Its a vicious cycle especially when I was so wonderful at being co dependant as hell and wonderwoman besides!
We're still working on breaking the cycle of me being the lead horse in our carriage -- but he is getting better at being beside me, and I am getting better at "letting & trusting" him to be beside me....
work in progress....
when hubby shares the stuff he has hesitated to take the lead on I have always told him I think he should have tried to try not to fear the outcome, encourage him to say something or to act on it and if we spat about it well we still can kiss and make up....
example: today i called doc wasnt feeling good -havent been, but been **ahem** "avoiding" doing so. Hubby came home I told him i called doc & made an appt -- he just about burst when he said he was glad I did he had / is / has (which is proper? oh hell none lol) been worried and had even considered calling doc him self -- but he didnt want to over step his boundaries ... I assured him he has every right to do so, and should act on those instincts because sometimes I just am too damn stupid or hard headed to do so -- i may get pissy, but in the end its all out of love and I would appreciate the "knight in shining armor" attempts far more than the avoidance and fear pausing....(do you think sometimes i give way to much info? LOL)
Anyway, we are trying -- we didnt learn over night this survival shit, and certainly we wont change it overnight... but we sure can keep trying...
Peace, Sammy
 
not only did he feel inadequate, but stupid (echoes from his childhood) and that "I think you are smarter than me Sammy" ---
I always felt like someone dumped / dumps a ton of bricks on me and kicks me in my cahonas (yea i got em') when he says that. Talk about having to "own" everything...
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This is a hard one Sammy, I hear you. On the one hand, I've worked hard myself to get to a place where I can say of myself, "Yeah, I am pretty smart, I think I make good decisions," and I mean it's been hard for me to get to that place, so hard that hearing someone else, even my boyfriend say it, it still sounds false. Like he's looking for something/ looking to get out of something? Like he's being sarcastic or trying to trap me into being full of myself? (I grew up in a place where thinking anything good about yourself meant that you were conceited and spoiled) I have this fear on some level no matter who compliments me or what they say; with my boyfriend it's worse, maybe because my fears with him are amplified and not because of anything he's doing?

On the other hand, there is a real frustration here because there's only so much of the world we can carry on our backs (I think between us it's a lot though) and I want to go through it all with an equal, not a subordinate. And for him to say things like "You're smarter" "You're stronger" to me, means that he's not ready to see himself as potentially just as smart and strong, and it also means that he's not ready to see ME coming down into the trenches with him--I'm up on this different level where I don't get touched by the filth of being dumb and weak. I want to be WITH him when he's down, not above him. Who wants to always be smarter, always be stronger? What kind of a relationship is that? What position is he really putting me in when he says this? Is it a position where I can really be of any help? Because to me it just seems like more potential for him to feel victimized and dominated.

Okay, time to go make my boyfriend's coffee
;)
 
Just an update on the situation...

He's still in the guest room, but now unsure if he wants a divorce or not. Guess that's fair, since I'm not able to come to a decision about that myself. Funny thing was, yesterday A.M. I realized how little has actually changed, aside from the fact that I'm sleeping alone now. Don't know if that's a sad commentary on the distance in our relationship, or if it's "just a thing."

Here's something I realized that might be important - most of the problems in our relationship, from our sex life to our living arrangments to our lack of concordant decisions, stem from the fact that we don't communicate about our feelings. When we're trying to make a decision together, I keep waiting to hear some sort of opinion from him, and when I don't get one it leaves me all out of sorts and half-paralyzed. The paralysis is MY issue, but lately I've started to understand that he has big blocks about sharing his feelings with me, about ANYthing. Can't expect him to spontaneously tell me how he feels about sex, or having children, or where we live, or our relationship, or the weather... Not really like this is news - it's something even slow studies like myself figure out after almost 10 years of marriage - but I had no appreciation for how pervasively it has affected us.

Now, he's saying he's "just not the kind of person who shares his feelings." That's the reason he's giving for feeling like he'll never be the man I want him to be. Sad thing is, I don't want him to be anyone he's not... just more himself. The other thing is, his statement that it's "just the way he is" doesn't give me much hope for our future. If I've decided I can't deal with the emotional distance anymore, and if he's so heavily invested in the John Wayne thing, where does that leave us?

Eeeeeyikes.
 
I wish that I could help more, but right now, I'm in a terrible position to give any more help on this one. I'm having some real problems with these type of things myself right now, and my advice would change from one day to the next and I wouldn't have any idea if any of it would be good advice or bad advice. All I can suggest is marriage counceling.
I wish you much luck with whatever you decide to do.
:)
 
Dear Debi

I know how you feel about your man not talking.
V. was like your man and I was feeling trapped in the silence zone. When we were "just friends" things were ok, he seemed to enjoy talking. I noticed he was doing more talking when I opened up to him about myself. The problem was I was not only co-dependent I was also trying hard to open up about feelings (something very new to me and very scary) and also I was trying hard to make him change (yes feel very guilty about that !!!!But I apologized to him when I was able to understand where that was coming from). When we got more intimate about our talks, we both had a tendency to hide behind computers. When I realized it was not healthy, I made the step to open up about feeling face to face. That was big for me but that was BIG for him. He was unprepared, it was bringing up big issues for him (trust, sex, intimacy) he panicked and eventually shut down. It went downhill since then. The shut down kind of triggered me bad and eventually I shut down myself, got pissed off ('cos I did not understand what was going on since he did not explain a thing !!!!)and eventually he took it as if I was pushing him away. Maybe that what I was actually doing because I was shit scared too !
Where are we now ? I have been trying to reestablish some trust, it was shattered by a stupid stupid guy and a girl who were jealous of V and I. I think during that time we both realized we had some serious work to do on our healing. V behaved lately like a jerk but at least I know why he is doing that. Yes it is easier to hide behind the anger/don't care/don't love you/leave me alone screen that to actually talk about what has gone wrong for the last few months. And at the end of the day the main question he is afraid to ask: "do you still love me though I behaved like a jerk ? would you still want me after all the horrible things I told you". V angrily told me he thought the issue was about me forgiving him (and he made it like it was MY issue and he had problem with that in a typical male bad faith !!!) I replied that the issue was not about me forgiving him but him forgiving himself !!!!
So the difficult thing is to separate: what are my issues (not being able to communicate clearly, dealing with co-dependency, dealing with my healing, learning to trust him and letting him heal at his pace, respecting his privacy...)and what are his issues (inability to trust, show intimacy, love, expressing what he needs, what he wants, what he fears...).
When V writes or talks, there are two levels of talking: first level usually very blunt, painful for me and not very positive
second level: what he is actually trying to say (I am afraid of you because you are so different from me, I have problems trusting you,I cannot hide from you and I am shit scared of that, I have difficulties with sex and I don't feel I can possibly be the perfect lover you deserve....)
This is on that second level I can see progress, that's where there is true hope.
So talking about divorce is maybe a way for your husband to say he is afraid of all the changes with his healing, the fact he does realize how long the healing can take and cannot garantee you what kind of a man he will be at the end of the journey...He shows his love and concern through setting you free but maybe inside, he desperately needs you to say you love him and will remain with him through that journey in hell.
And I agree, yes, depression and suicidal feeling can be behind all this. If there are serious suicidal feelings, he will try to push away the people he loves before attempting anything.
I hope this can help you somehow.
Good luck and be patient. Confusion in the mind of a survivor can create all sorts of crazy, stupid ideas ( been there, done that ;) )
 
Debi,

I've said something similar before, but I'll say again:
Not really like this is news - it's something even slow studies like myself figure out after almost 10 years of marriage - but I had no appreciation for how pervasively it has affected us.
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I think the fact that you are noticing this means that something in your relationship is changing. I know that I wasn't able to realize the pervasive and incredibly sad lack of communication in my relationship until I had something different to compare it to. It's hard for us to see what we're right in the middle of, easier to see something we've stepped back from a little.

Notice that I say it sounds like things are changing, not that things are "getting better..." for me, when that ice melted a lot of good things started flowing but so did a lot of bad ones... neither of us had been communicating our frustration and anger for all that time, and suddenly there was a lot of it going back and forth. Only you and your husband, after stepping back from your life together, can really have a good look at it and decide what's worth saving.

For the meantime, try to remember (and remind him, too) that there are more ways to share feelings that that sought-after "I" statement... when we're freezing out our partners, we tend not to look for the more subtle ways people communicate their feelings to us. If the way he walks into the room or answers the phone tells you how he's feeling, then he's already begun sharing his feelings.

best of luck
SAR
 
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