Here's my story-- may have religious triggers
Well heres my tale, its probably too long, and may contain a lot of religious triggers. Ive left out a lot of stuff for brevity.
As a kid my home parish and Catholic school offered me nothing religiously, so I started going to Mass at a seminary near my house. It was great; there was a good community, coffee and donuts after Mass, good homilies and an open gym. After a while I joined the Scout Troop led by one of the seminarians. During a camping trip he molested me, and this would continue for the next 2 years. I blocked it out and the alcohol and marijuana he provided helped me to do so. It probably happened between 15-20 times. It was awful physically, but also because it taught me how to live a lie: Id come back after being molested on the third floor (literally) and my folks would ask how things went, Id say ok, and they were glad I was going to a place that I was benefiting from. I learned to put an Everything is fine face on my pain to show to others and to keep me from feeling what I really felt, ashamed, hurt and scared to go to the Seminary. I couldnt quit Scouts or going to Mass without tipping my parents that something was wrong.
My perp left and I entered the community because I felt called to join it. Two years into seminary life I had a great prayer experience of Gods acceptance and healing and forgiveness. I thought the effects of the abuse were behind me. Boy was I wrong.
I was ordained in 1984 and love being a priest. In July 2005 I went to Jamaica to begin a mission for my community and about six weeks later a parishioner told me that the parishs youth minister had done time for child molestation. I looked into it, he had, and I had him removed from ministry. A few weeks later a mother approached me on the street and said her daughter was molested during a pageant the youth minister had led. I handled it by the numbers, offered to go with the mom to the police, notified the archdiocese etc. but was hugely triggered. The mother came up when I was telling the perp Id notified the diocese etc. and she sat with himsomething was wrong- I dont know if she was threatened (Jamaica has a huge murder rate), bribed or what, but it wasnt right. It was my worst fear realizedand I became hyper-arousedif the parish let a convicted molester minister, what else hadnt they told me about? I asked to leave that ministry.
My community wanted to know why I wanted to leave so soon after arrival and I told the provincial council April 10th of being abused and what happened in Jamaica. I didnt have the terms post traumatic stress or triggered, but was attempting to tell them how Ive been triggered by being stationed in the place I was abused, stationed with molesters and in dysfunctional communities. One guy said the abuse might have affected my whole life: and he was right, I just couldnt see it because of my prayer experience in 1974. I really thought I was over it. I have post traumatic stress.
Since April 10th my community has handled it in the worst way possible: I had to go to the cops on my own without support (I threw up that am.), one council member wrote Rome saying Im sick and blaming everyone then accused me of hacking his computer after he handed me a response from Rome which had his original email attached, my provincial pulled me from ministry until July 7th because he didnt understand the difference b/w a perp and a victim, and then walked out on me when he asked how counseling was going and I told him my T cant get to the original abuse because Im always responding to how the community is revictimizing me. Its been awful, unbelievable but it is what has happened. Several members have been supportive, but the top two in leadership have been a disaster. I feel around them like I did going to the Seminary after I was abusedI never know what will happen next and am afraid it will be brutal. My biggest problem is hyper vigilance and hyper arousal that something else bad will happen.because it has.
Ive found a great T, who has been helpful. I lurked around the Discussion Board for a few months before joining- you guys have given me a lot of insight and help. Thanx esp. to Roadrunner and Thad. I was watching The Cinderella Man on HBO one night and ended up crying for two hours at the line What the hell do you have to be sorry for? I know I have a well of tears within me that need to come out. Problem is I spent 30 years putting an Im doing ok face on what was going on inside of me, and because of the booze and marijuana and disassociation I cant remember most of what happened.
I feel like an accident scene: you see the blood and broken glass, a piece of fur by the road and know there was a deer hit there, but you didnt see the accident itself.
Im so frustrated and ashamednot because I was abused, though thats part of it, but because of the way my community has treated me. After the abuse scandal youd think theyd have learned the seriousness of being abused and how to respond to victims. Its embarrassing. We should have done better by everyone, including me. I love being a priest, have been an effective minister every place Ive been, and my faith really has mattered to me. Theres no excuse for the way too many people have been treated by the Church, and I have no respect for those who chose the image of the Church over the people of the Church.
I may take my case to Rome because the province isnt handling this well at all. I really dont need this on top of losing working in Jamaica which I longed to begin for years and having to dig up the ghosts of my abuse and face them. Ill do what it takes, and appreciate the support and honesty you guys offer. Thanx for reading this.
Halibut
As a kid my home parish and Catholic school offered me nothing religiously, so I started going to Mass at a seminary near my house. It was great; there was a good community, coffee and donuts after Mass, good homilies and an open gym. After a while I joined the Scout Troop led by one of the seminarians. During a camping trip he molested me, and this would continue for the next 2 years. I blocked it out and the alcohol and marijuana he provided helped me to do so. It probably happened between 15-20 times. It was awful physically, but also because it taught me how to live a lie: Id come back after being molested on the third floor (literally) and my folks would ask how things went, Id say ok, and they were glad I was going to a place that I was benefiting from. I learned to put an Everything is fine face on my pain to show to others and to keep me from feeling what I really felt, ashamed, hurt and scared to go to the Seminary. I couldnt quit Scouts or going to Mass without tipping my parents that something was wrong.
My perp left and I entered the community because I felt called to join it. Two years into seminary life I had a great prayer experience of Gods acceptance and healing and forgiveness. I thought the effects of the abuse were behind me. Boy was I wrong.
I was ordained in 1984 and love being a priest. In July 2005 I went to Jamaica to begin a mission for my community and about six weeks later a parishioner told me that the parishs youth minister had done time for child molestation. I looked into it, he had, and I had him removed from ministry. A few weeks later a mother approached me on the street and said her daughter was molested during a pageant the youth minister had led. I handled it by the numbers, offered to go with the mom to the police, notified the archdiocese etc. but was hugely triggered. The mother came up when I was telling the perp Id notified the diocese etc. and she sat with himsomething was wrong- I dont know if she was threatened (Jamaica has a huge murder rate), bribed or what, but it wasnt right. It was my worst fear realizedand I became hyper-arousedif the parish let a convicted molester minister, what else hadnt they told me about? I asked to leave that ministry.
My community wanted to know why I wanted to leave so soon after arrival and I told the provincial council April 10th of being abused and what happened in Jamaica. I didnt have the terms post traumatic stress or triggered, but was attempting to tell them how Ive been triggered by being stationed in the place I was abused, stationed with molesters and in dysfunctional communities. One guy said the abuse might have affected my whole life: and he was right, I just couldnt see it because of my prayer experience in 1974. I really thought I was over it. I have post traumatic stress.
Since April 10th my community has handled it in the worst way possible: I had to go to the cops on my own without support (I threw up that am.), one council member wrote Rome saying Im sick and blaming everyone then accused me of hacking his computer after he handed me a response from Rome which had his original email attached, my provincial pulled me from ministry until July 7th because he didnt understand the difference b/w a perp and a victim, and then walked out on me when he asked how counseling was going and I told him my T cant get to the original abuse because Im always responding to how the community is revictimizing me. Its been awful, unbelievable but it is what has happened. Several members have been supportive, but the top two in leadership have been a disaster. I feel around them like I did going to the Seminary after I was abusedI never know what will happen next and am afraid it will be brutal. My biggest problem is hyper vigilance and hyper arousal that something else bad will happen.because it has.
Ive found a great T, who has been helpful. I lurked around the Discussion Board for a few months before joining- you guys have given me a lot of insight and help. Thanx esp. to Roadrunner and Thad. I was watching The Cinderella Man on HBO one night and ended up crying for two hours at the line What the hell do you have to be sorry for? I know I have a well of tears within me that need to come out. Problem is I spent 30 years putting an Im doing ok face on what was going on inside of me, and because of the booze and marijuana and disassociation I cant remember most of what happened.
I feel like an accident scene: you see the blood and broken glass, a piece of fur by the road and know there was a deer hit there, but you didnt see the accident itself.
Im so frustrated and ashamednot because I was abused, though thats part of it, but because of the way my community has treated me. After the abuse scandal youd think theyd have learned the seriousness of being abused and how to respond to victims. Its embarrassing. We should have done better by everyone, including me. I love being a priest, have been an effective minister every place Ive been, and my faith really has mattered to me. Theres no excuse for the way too many people have been treated by the Church, and I have no respect for those who chose the image of the Church over the people of the Church.
I may take my case to Rome because the province isnt handling this well at all. I really dont need this on top of losing working in Jamaica which I longed to begin for years and having to dig up the ghosts of my abuse and face them. Ill do what it takes, and appreciate the support and honesty you guys offer. Thanx for reading this.
Halibut
