Here we go again

[MACH123]

Every couple years I try and come back here. It's usually when I'm pretty sure my wife is going to throw me out finally.

I never have anything to do with other men.

I never look at pictures of myself from then and the pictures of all of you as children just wreck me and I wish I could block them. Whose idea was that? I have a business degree and I liked statistics and I retained a lot of it somehow (I was in love with the teacher) and I know how the bell shaped curve works so, I'm not the only one.

I have the unfortunate view from the point of view of the PC mafia that homosexuality is abnormal. Making myself unpopular is a form of self harm for me and the whole thing is like, I does even want to deal with it. At all.

But here I am again. Why? Not sure except I have to deal with my CSA and cPTSD.

"I stray down the alley looking for a fight, howling at the moon on a hot summer night."

Does everyone have to say trigger warning? Is any of this not triggering?

The therapist sort of insists I was abused by my mother but I don't remember. She says it was in very early childhood then when the other kids came along I was ready. Girls were good but you were alone with boys mostly and sleeping over and so on. She doesn't insist she says she can't but I know that's what she thinks. Of course I'm in love with her lol.

 

[Pollux]

Hi MACH,

I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time. I don’t really associate with other men either (well with anyone really).

 

[MACH123]

I don't either expect my wife and people in the special needs community but that's very superficial. It's also nice and helpful on a certain level because they are trying to help you know. They all know I'm on disability but no one mentions it ever. It's worse lately because my tendency is to lash out at people and this is often beyond my conscious control. I don't mind the isolation but my wife thinks I should be able to work, which I can physically despite my severe osteo arthritis. It's just that I can't deal with people at all except women and that's always about sex for me. I love having sex with my wife which is great but she's cruel about it you know and that's her stuff which I try and stay out of but she's the kinda kid who pulled the wings off flies. Lol she gets mad as hell when I say that. I'm the Sub, she's the Dom.

Could be worse. Don't mind me.

 

[Visitor]

Hey Mach... sorry if the photo of the little boy I once was is difficult for you. For me it is a great relief because I need to be reminded what I looked like when the abuse was happening. Although I'd recalled incidents with my mother decades ago when I first told a therapist the truth, I never thought of what she did as traumatic. That was just my mixed up mother... My former wife, with whom I've very close has said for years that what my mother did was in fact sexual abuse. That motivated me to try to understand what it all meant. And I came upon the term "complex trauma" which says when the person you would naturally turn to for protection and comfort is exactly the person who is causing the trauma, you have no way out... and must either fight, flee or freeze. I've been doing all three my whole life.

I mention all of this because you note what your therapist said. Given what you're saying, I imagine she's right. That means, of course, that you have as great a need for kindness and compassion as the rest of us... from yourself to begin with. It seems there is a great deal of kindness and understanding on this website, which is a good thing. Good luck on your healing journey.

 

[MACH123]

Yes cPTSD. I also never saw my abuse which probably started with mom as abuse. I participated or initiated it so it just never occurred to me I'd been abused.

It wasn't till I questioned one day in my forties "why" was I doing that or why was it going on? I was so young.

It's all still going on really. Same play new actors. I thought or used to say "it all ended when I left the old neighborhood at 19." A certain kind of sexual re enactment ended. And part of me got stuffed into the repressed memories section.

I just kept doing it though. It was a secret. My wife says I lie always but that's not really true. It's just my little kid doing what he did.

 

[EQCR]

This is a youtube title, Homosexuality: It's about survival - not sex | James O'Keefe, it may help.

 

[MACH123]

i think I agree with the spirit of that thank you. I think I've dealt with it for me.

It's very difficult stuff.