Here it goes again...

Well, here it goes again. Another fight. Another trigger. After sex in the shower and a boatfull of "I love you's" and a delightful dinner at our favorite restaurant at *our* table. We're talking about where we want to go on our upcomming vacation (and my birthday).

I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to go backpacking NE of Yosemite--certainly the 10 hour drive is out. He mentions flying to Seattle then driving to Vancouver. Well, we did that last year, and the men there were what I considered to be more *his* type than mine. He had tons of eye candy and I had nothing. Vancouver is out with me. He started to hint around that maybe since my job was so new that I wouldn't be able to take a whole week off and that maybe we should do something close to home. ZZZZZZZZ. It's my 35th birthday. I have waited all my life to be 35. It's my big year--the one I've been trying to get to since I was 13. I want to do something spectacular.

We keep mentioning things. I talk about maybe going to the Russian River and camping. Turns out that he's already done that with his over lovers. He hangs out at these "clothing optional" type places (a bathhouse by a different name). He keeps talking about going to some of these types of places.

I am gay, but I'm terrified of going to all gay places. I just like to be in mixed company and if there are gays around, then cool. But I don't like to be in "resorts" or "clubs" or anything like that where it is exclusively gay men. It is a trigger for me to even think about it.

Now I feel like he is a big monster who is out to rape me and since he keeps bringing up these types of places that I must be holding him back from doing something that he really wants to do, etc. But I can't stand the thought of going there. Yet with all of his past lovers, he has gone to nude beaches, etc.

I'm no prude--when I was single I went to bathhouses, sex parties, orgies, etc. and really miss it. I have to really curtail my appetite to be with hot men that walk down the street. I see one and I feel like I need to have him because if I do somehow all of this pain that I'm feeling will go away.

My relationship is in trouble. He just told me to "grow up" after this fight. My mind tells me that "growing up" means that I will have to endure him gawking at other naked men, leaving me behind, or, ultimately, raping me and hurting me.

I can't keep going through this cycle. I can't seem to make it stop. I am in therapy and my T* says that I'm doing really good and getting much better, but it's draining the relationship to no end.

I just want to pack my bags and move somewhere far, far away.

Scotty

 

[SoCalJohn]

Scotty,,

[john] hugs scotty

John

 

Hey, just read your message.

One of the things I learned in my marital therapy is that: as a survivor, i put a great deal on my wife. I am really high-maintenance. . and my troubles can and do drive the other person out. It was really hard to hear this. . and I fought tooth and nail not to - but through my work - I came to understand that my wife couldn't handle me. In short, I was a real handful. I have extremely intense needs. She needed to bring a third person into our relationship to talk with because i was such a handful.

As you can imagine, being no wall flower - i had a REALLY tough time hearing this from the shrink. I thought I would kill him.

But, I think he was right (at least in my case). I needed to develop other resources to help me out. (which is one of the reasons I joined NOMSV). My individual therapist too, told me that I was doing well. (And I thought, if I was doing so well. . . then why is my relationship so strained?)

It took me time to realize that although i may have been doing well individually, when I was with someone else - it was always about me. . . I became embarrassed. It served as wake-up call for me. . . I didn't want the relationship to be about me all the time. . . it should really be a give and take. I realized it was mostly my taking and my wife giving. . . It was not a flattering picture of myself.

Ultimately, the insight helped me (lets skip becoming suicidal over it, the tears and screams.) I needed to take responsibility for my piece. I was actually driving my wife away unintentionally.

I'm not sure that is true for you. . I don't really know. Have you thought of couples therapy?

I hope you take no offense from my comments. I just thought I could help passing along something I learned quite painfully (and expensively!!)

David

 

Yes, it's all about me in this relationship. Everything is about the pain and the triggers. My partner tiptoes around my every move and it just makes me realize even more that something's wrong with me.

I, too, am embarrassed. And feel shame. I hate being the one that's vulnerable all the time. I hate being the one who causes the relationship to go through all of its major trauma. I hate being the one "needy" and in a constant state of disrepair.

I just quit my job after going back after lunch and hearing my supervisor talk about me behind my back to my employees. I've been trying to get something stronger than Xanex from my doctor for over two weeks to help deal with all of these emotions and breakdowns. I am truly at my end and with $2,600 in my pocket want to pack the car, say goodbye to my partner and move to San Louis Obispo with my dog.

Of course, a shotgun sounds pretty tempting right about now, too. It's all so blury and confusing. Mostly, it's just fucking painful as hell--not only for the feelings that are starting to surface, but now for just being me--for being selfish and needy and always a critical case nut job loser shithead good-for-nothing freak of fucking nature.

Oh shit, it just won't stop.

 

I really understand your pain. What has helped me is to remember that the pain I was feeling is temporary. . . and its not all of everything I feel. . . its in the moment.

As far as moments are concerned.. . I am on the medications Effexor (150 mg) and Neurontin (900mg daily). Effexor for depression and Neurontin for Mood swings. . . I have found it helpful. . You might think about it.

Be easy on yourself. . . The trouble you have (we have) is not our fault. . Its what can do to help ourselves that matters.

Stay in touch.. If you want to e-mail me directly, my e-mail address is [email protected]. This mood will pass. Although I know it doesn't feel that way now.

David