Here I go again!!!

Here I go again!!!
R

Raphael

Registrant
Hi, guys!

It seems I am going down on another ride of the emotional roller-coaster again.

It has been some weeks or even a month since I last posted anything here. During this time I have been in therapy and was making some really good progress in my path of recovery. I was feeling more empowered and energized, even though the process was very painful at times. I have started to put pieces together about the context of my sexual abuse, have discovered how my family had questions about my sexual identity since I was 3, how much anger I have inside of me which I have not allowed myself to get in touch with – and I am still afraid to do so and “loose control”, how perhaps my older brother (and perp) was himself a victim of sexual abuse, and how probably my younger brother, who would also abuse of me during my sleep, was also probably learning those acts form someone who was abusing him. I am finding out how much abuse goes on in my family and that my nephews are probably all survivors of SA as well. A question was thrown at me if perhaps my own father was also a perpetrator of sexual abuse with my brothers and me but I can't remember anything… Except two dreams I had, in one of which I was so scared to have my dad touch me in bed and I woke up with the feeling that something was being pushed down my throat. In the mean time, I am having respiratory problems and wonder about what it is that is asphyxiating me!

Ups and downs. I had some big challenges at work and succeeded them all. I celebrated my victories but then went down in depression again.

I had this wonderful chat with my wife about many of the things that I am discovering – but still feel afraid to tell her about the gay porn addiction, and at the same time feel bad not be honest with her and keep secrets from her.

My T is showing me how porn addiction is becoming a problem in itself and I need to treat it as seriously as I treat the SA. I should not lie to myself and be complacent with this behaviour by trying to rationalize it and say to myself that “it is only an effect of the SA, as I treat the SA it will go away” or “it is not that bad, doesn't hurt anyone not even myself”. It is not true. I am in denial when I think that way. It does affect the way I see myself, it affects my relationship with my wife, it affects the health of my family. (Not to mention contributing to an industry that is so abusive and enslaving)

I want to be cured from this – as much as I want to fix the many other parts of my life that are affected by the SA – but all of this work is so hard!! As regards the addiction it is as if part of me wants to be free from it while another part of me does not want to let go.

Right now I feel my head is in a mess. I feel so much pain and confusion. I've been thinking about calling my brother and confronting him about the abuse – but I know I am not ready for that yet, so I am holding that thought. Meanwhile, self-hatred stuff starts playing again and I feel like S***T, I feel like I am just making too much out of this whole thing, that it is just my ego wanting attention.

During last therapy session we begin talking about forgiving myself. Today that feels like a joke. How could I forgive myself for being such a messed-up guy!

Sorry for venting these negative feelings. And thank you for being here and listening. I really needed that.

Raphael
 
I don't know what to tell you other than stick with it. Sheer determination will help you achieve want you want. I took years of me telling myself and hating myself to quit smoking. Then one day I just did it. The same thing with drugs. I hated myself for doing them but just could not make myself stop. That took years and years.

It took 40 years for me to confront my SA, but once I did the path to recovering was so much easier and faster.

When it comes to behaviours that you want to stop or change and feel out of control about, keep this practice in mind that my therapist told me: "When you say you 'can't' keep from doing something, think in your mind and change the word to'won't'." In other words; When you say to your self that "you just can't keep from watching pornography, switch that phrase to: " I WON'T watch pornography!"

Just that little one word switch has been a great source of strength for me.

Hope it can you you, too!
 
Raphael:

You said:
During last therapy session we begin talking about forgiving myself. Today that feels like a joke. How could I forgive myself for being such a messed-up guy!
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Let me ask you a question. Why are you messed up? I will give you the answer!!! Because of what they the perps did to you that is why!!!! What we forgive ourselves for I think is believing that somehow we were to blame and that we are dirty and unclean. And that my brother is a crock of shit.

Michael' sugggestion is a good one:

When you say to your self that "you just can't keep from watching pornography, switch that phrase to: " I WON'T watch pornography!"
Click to expand...
The only thing I would add to that is NOT TODAY. We can all stop something for one day. It is like in AA I have lived for some 28 years a day at a time. Never swore I would never drink again. That is too long a time. And I have put together one hell of a lot of days in a row.

I know you want to fix all of the shit and it can be overwhelming at times. Just plug away at it one thing at a time.

The key I think to all of this is to recognize that it did happen, was not your fault or your shame. At the same time it is important to reduce the effects of flashbacks, nightmares, triggers etc on our lives today and tomorrow. They have no place there. Neither do we have a stake in tomorrow till it it today. Work on that simple credo and I think you will find it well defined for you.

For example when I smell men's cologne I get antsy and hyper and it would drag me back and bring up all the old lies I concocted to live with the abuse. Sort of lousy coping strategies that did nothing for my self image. I still get that antsy feeling to cologne now but I recogize that as a flashback and deal with it. I sort of watch the water in the sink to make sure the plug is not pulled and I start that downward spiral into the sewer or self doubt and shame and guilt.

Sorry to be so talkative.
 
There are probably several people who will take issue with this, but I believe that we learn to forgive ourselves thru our acts of forgiveness toward others. It is not something that I am good at. In fact, I am a harsh and unforgiving bastard. How can I forgive my self when I cannot forgive anyone else? Wish I knew...
 
I am finding that as I do show myself some mercy I am a lot less abrasive and critical of others.

raphael,

you don't sound like a messed up guy. You sound like a competent man who is dealing with the legacy from the abuse. You have a lot of insight into your issues. I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through. I'm saying that there's not something wrong with you for having these problems.
 
The whole sickening thing about abuse, is that is us who carry the blame. You have been conditioned to accept it was your part that led to it.

You have to be able to turn it around, and blame the abuse on the perpetrators, which is really hard to do.

Holding in the anger is damaging also, and the feeling of not being able to control it can be daunting.

Crying, going to the gym, walking, or any physical hobby coupled with relaxation can all be beneficial in either release or control.

I vowed that it will never control me, and it hasn't. Funny thing is though. I don't know how I could ever live without something that has been with me for so long!

take care,

ste
 
Thank you for all your replies. It helped me a lot to receive your feedback and advice. I feel I need to read your words again and again and meditate about some of the things you said.

My mind is more at ease now. I was afraid I was going deep into depression again but in fact it did not last very long. Perhaps this is a sign of healing? Do our "negative crisis", these ups-and-downs, tend to become shorter and shorter? Do they ever go away completely.

I mean, I know as humans we will always have ups-and-downs, sometimes we will be happy and sometimes sad, but I wonder if one day my ups-and-downs will be about things other than the effects of the SA.

Anyway, I am feeling much better now, more focused and productive at work again. Thank you for your support. I wish you could feel how much you have helped me.

Raphael
 
I'm glad you are feeling much better now. Take comfort in knowing that you have helped me out a lot! I hope things continue to go well for you and that the depression does not set in again anytime soon. You are a very good person, very kind and open, you shouldn't ever forget that.

Jon
 
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