Here, But Not Really

Here, But Not Really
S

Sinking

Registrant
Hi - I wanted to check in today. I've been here, but not really. Kind of like in real life for the past few weeks. I've been reading posts, but staying away from anything I think might be too triggering. But I've not been able to be my usual, supportive self and I apologize for that.

I was badly triggered a few weeks ago. I didn't know it consciously but it was the two year anniversary of my encounter with one of my perps. I had located him two years ago after years of intermittent searching. I called him at work to confront him, told him I was looking for accountability, for an explanation. After his initial shock, he told me to call him back. When I did, at the time he designated, I got voice-mail. He didn't return the call. So I called and left another message. No response. So I called his house. No response. I called and left increasingly angry messages, though none threatening in any way, except for a suggestion that I would expose him to his community and neighbors. After making nine calls over a six week period, I decided to take another route and possibly file suit.

Before I had a chance to file suit though, I received a Summons and Complaint along with a restraining order. He had hired a criminal defense attorney to sue me for harassment!! Did you get the criminal defense attorney part? Telling, huh?

As you can imagine, this set my head spinning. At the time I was just at the start of coming to terms with my abuse. I was, for all intents and purposes, in the midst of a nervous breakdown which was causing physical problems as well. I ended up settling out of court with him, agreeing to stay away from him and not make contact. He made me out to be a criminal, a danger to him and his boyfriend. He reduced me to a quivering, abused little boy. The day I had to face him at the court hearing was very traumatic, first time I'd seen him in thirty years. The motherfucker abused me in all sorts of ways from the time I was eleven until I was fourteen and living at a residential school.

Anyway, that's why I haven't been able to pull myself together enough to be around for you guys. I was experiencing my PTSD symptoms so severely this holiday weekend that I couldn't even get my shit together enough to make it to my 25th high school reunion. The bastards won again.

My wife and family have been very patient and supportive, realizing what is triggering me and why I've been in a pretty dramatic dissociative state for a while now. I hope to emerge soon and be back to offer what support I can. Peace to you all. - John
 
(((((((((John))))))))))

Wow, no need to apologize John. Your state of mind is quite understandable. There comes a time when we need to be the one receiving the help not the one dispensing it.

I'm so sorry for the things that happened to you with all this. I don't know that I have any suggestions for you except to say that by now you probably know we are all here if and when you need us. Feel free to depend on our support for however long you need to.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
John, I'm learning myself thats its ok to feel a mess. We all accept you whichever way you may be feeling. Your input is loved and appreciated so is your reaching out to us and saying Im hurting.

We love you when youre here and when youre not.
 
John,

You bring so much to this place and certainly you don't owe anyone an apology. I'm so sorry to find you so upset and distressed.

I have heard elsewhere of your perp's strategy of feigning innocence and trying to make you out as crazy or a liar. Someone else here had that problem, but I don't recall who it was. Do you have an attorney? Maybe it would be good to look at your options.

What does your T say about all this? I ask because some years ago I was unjustly sued and replied by countersuing. I won and that part was very gratifying, but overall it was a dead loss. It was all so tramatic and it took a big toll on my family. I'm not suggesting that you back off this guy; I just wonder if a T might help you to put it into the perspective of your recovery.

Whatever you do, John, I hope you know you have our support.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Guys - Knowing you're here to support me helps a lot. On the other hand, three hours of sleep followed by numerous panic attacks and the damned kitten scaring the hell out of me for the remainder of the night, makes for a slow start to the day. Every time the kitten jumps on the bed it takes me right back to lying in bed at the residential school and someone silently entering the room, then proceeding to gently sit on my bed. Sends me bolt upright every time.

Larry - I did have an attorney for that particular hearing. I had to call 21 different attorneys before one would take my case on the short notice I was given. A counter-suit has been discussed with my wife, family, therapists. Ultimately I came to the realization that if I do pursue him it will have to be at a later date, when I'm sure I can handle it emotionally. Disruption of 'normal' life has to be taken into consideration as well.

After much thought and conversation (and prodding from therapists) I have finally decided to give in and try to manage my PTSD symptoms with meds. Both therapists (the old and the new, I miss the old) think I put myself through too much by always trying to 'run the gauntlet' while experiencing severe complex PTSD symptoms. Somehow I've felt that more intense work was being done if the pain was more raw. I also thought I could talk myself through the PTSD. But maybe the meds will make things a little easier, slow down my mind.

Thanks for being here guys, I really appreciate it - John
 
John,

I know how you feel about meds for this stuff. I felt so defeated when I started on mine, as if I was proclaiming my hopelessness. I really felt bad.

Looking back I'm so glad I "gave in". Getting some of the more severe symptoms under control allowed me to deal with other things more effectively. It's like seeing a T for the first time perhaps. We just don't want to admit that we need help I guess. But when we do, it makes good sense to ask for it and accept it.

The legal aspects of this smack of an ambush. I hope you have a good lawyer now, even though things seem to have settled for a bit.

Take care bro.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry - When it was time for me to see a therapist there was no question about the fact that I needed the help. This was two years ago.

A man had murdered a pedophile priest while they were both in prison, you may have heard about it. The murderer, it turns out, was a boy that I attended the residential school with. We lived there together. We were both abused there, I can even recall being in the car with the murderer and the teacher, except the murderer was only a nine year old boy then. The place was a house of horrors. Emotionally disturbed kids, autistic kids, all of us under 14 years old, 18 of us living together. Every single child there was abused in one form or another, either verbally, physically (the teachers would hit and pinch the autistic kids to try to get a reaction, they had me do it too) and, of course, sexually.

I was sexually abused by three different people there, that I remember, and I'm only talking about the adults, not the older boys who shared my room.

Well, when I saw the murderer's name and face on the TV that night, I completely lost it, my mind was spinning out of control, somehow I stopped myself from downing a whole bottle of vodka, I don't know why I stopped. I would have checked into a hospital but that was not an option. But I did call a rape crisis center and that set me on the road to recovery.

I met with the attorney for the murderer, and his private investigator. I have been told I will be called to testify for the defense to corroborate what types of things went on at the school. Having that hanging over my head is enough to trigger me at any moment.

So now, considering how I've been for the past few weeks, I welcome the idea of a pill that will put me on a more even keel, I only hope it does. After years of abusing every drug known to man (except heroin, once again, something deep inside stopped me from complete self destruction) drugs don't always have the intended effect on me. I hope they can find the right one.

Sorry for rambling but it feels good to tell a little bit of my story. And thanks again for the support...I need it right now. - John
 
John,

I can only stress - from my own experience - how important it is to be emotionally prepared for all these things. Otherwise they will exact a heavy toll on you and those close to you.

I hear you on drugs John. I was the same - everything except H, and heaven only knows how I escaped that one. But like alcohol, my other false friend, drugs didn't get me anywhere. They just gave me the feeling of failure I get now when I need to take medication that will actually HELP me.

I'm so sorry to hear about the school, but you know what? I'm glad you said it. That's a way of rejecting responsibility and learning that you CAN trust again.

I know you know this bro, but here it is again: It wasn't your fault.

Much love,
Larry
 
Sinking,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. You have written so many encouraging responses to my posts that I know you are a wonderful, caring guy. My thoughts are with you.
 
Thanks again guys. Today is a little better, not quite as shrouded in misery and maybe a little too tired for anxiety, until bed time anyway.

And thanks for hearing the morsel of story I had to share. Believe it or not, that place wasn't the worst of it all.

Mine is a very long, bizarre story that started with emotional neglect at birth, literally, progressed from there to physical and psychological abuse at the hands of both parents (not so for my three siblings, oddly enough), then rape and molestation from the age of nine until ten, from there to a mental hospital two days prior to my 11th birthday (nice, huh?). Despite my innocence lost, there are things in mental hospitals that children just should not be exposed to. Just being there convinced me that I must have been crazy. And then from the mental hospital on to the school after the mental hospital determined that I needed a more structured environment than was being provided at home.

There was no safe place anywhere in that boy's world. Not sure how he made it. Not sure why I'm still here, but I'm glad he did and I am. Peace all and thanks for your support when it was so needed. - John
 
John,

You DID make it and there IS a reason why you're here. I honor that courageous little guy in you.

I feel privileged that you would feel comfortable sharing your story with me. When you're ready to share more, we're here for you.
 
John,

Authentic Me got it exactly right. What got you through was Little John. Honor his feelings and pain, but let him know he is safe now - he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

And Big John certainly doesn't need to worry about saying what he needs to say here - just let it out bro.

Much love,
Larry
 
AM & Larry - That little guy you refer to is an enigma to me. I hear us all talk about our inner child. I read about it, think about it, have talked to my wife and therapists about it. But I can't bring myself to talk to him directly. I feel so badly for what he went through. At the same time I know that a different me, sort of, took on a lot that he might not have made it through, the worst probably being the acting out with strangers, older men, humiliating, degrading things that no boy, no one, should have to experience. I guess we saved eachother and still do sometimes. One of these days I'll be able to talk to him....I hope. Because I love him. - John
 
John,

This comes with time I guess. I heard a LOT about the inner child before I really felt it. Now it helps me enormously.

John, I firmly believe the acting out is something we ALL do in one way or another. It is a way of trying to cope and make sense of an insane world that betrayed us. Mine was alcohol and drugs...shall we trade stories about disgusting? You talk about being with strangers, older men, etc. That didn't happen to me, but only because I was so lucky. Had the situation arisen bro, I am SURE I would have caved in in a second.

But that was the past and now is now. I'm not even sure we should accept blame for the acting out. What I am sure of is that we have to live now and in the future, without the ball and chain of things we did as a result of abuse in the past. Sure, we have to come to terms with the past, but without setting up permanent camp there.

Rejecting blame for all that is one good way to get closer to Little John. Kids feel blame easily. Do you remember? I do. Let's make it stop and let Little John come out where it's safe.

Much love,
Larry
 
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