Helping My Partner Help Me

[Squirmish20]

Kind of a cry for help. My partner feels very shut out since I've become a little withdrawn and sexually inattentive etc. It's difficult to let her into my mind right now. Are there any things that people have tried that worked for both them and their partners? Open to all suggestions

 

[traveler]

Can you talk about it? That's what my wife wanted - to know what was going on in my head and in my heart and not feel shut out. i found it very difficult to tell her the things i told my therapist. at best i would summarize - leaving out lots of the details. that was better than nothing. later i discovered that i could read her some of my journal entries and some posts i wrote on the MS forums. somehow that was easier than coming up with the words on the spot. a few times i wrote her letters and read them to her. it was still hard but it helped our relationship a lot.

Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

I wish I had some advice to help you through this. When I told of the abuse I remember my ex's first words, when are we getting the money--well it shut me down and then the children marched to the same drummer and worse.

You know your spouse and you can probably better assess her reactions. In therapy I began to realize I knew my ex's response would be from talking of the past syncope, nightmares, flashbacks etc but then I thought I would give it a try--it did not turn out positively.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Sq20

This is hard to talk about with anyone, like traveler and others note around this Forum, reactions, support level, and for an unfortunate portion of us denial of help, all affect talking. That last is very sad, and harmful. I and Kev. note this quite often. The others who have supportive, even angelic partners, have posted some awe inspiring relationships to aspire to. It's good to know such partners are somewhere.

You have such a partner, to whatever degree... It's not easy to say things like that this early in your sharing. I think traveler is right on, noting that reading a journal entry, writing anything, and going from there is a safer beginning. It takes a lot of effort to share sometimes, or always if the topic gets too specific or is a trigger. In therapy, I fight back at my triggers, it's harder in real life experiences. I think that will change with some of the work intended to strengthen my self worth. Being as low as I set myself, there's a lot to do.

Being worth this effort is a step by step, and planned effort. It can be so overwhelming to not feel worth anything, that wanting to get anywhere where it's not hurting drives reactions. Dissociation, compulsions, threat survival mode, and anything our brain does... it's sort of automatic for me, in time, with brain training, I'll find it's less automatic, and I can change the course of thinking. I see a flicker of that even this early in my current therapy. A miracle.

So, try, and try again. You can, we didn't deserve this to happen to us, but, we survived the abuse, we can survive healing (I took that from Male Survivor's sayings).

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Sq.

As someone who definitely has one of those angelic partners which ceremony mentioned, I can say it's not quite as bad as you might think.

the main thing that happened with my wife was a need to be honest. Even before we got together I told her some things has happened as a teenager, I told her at one stage that I was the wrong person for her to be with because I didn't have a life to share with her.
when against literally all odds we ended up together there wasn't another choice but be honest about my abuse, particularly because as I suffered extremely bad we needed even on a practical level to just have things in the open.
Not that I confessed everything in one go, just that we started with what had happened, and then moved on to triggers.

I'm now at a stage with my lady that I've never been with anyone before, where I can be quite casual about my abuse, where I can talk about what happened as a teenager just with respect to what was going on, even where I've shared some of the dark thoughts I've had (she'sread several of my poems).

It's not always easy, but I do at least try to be honest, and this has lead to a point where we can both be, even if she needs to tell me when something is causing problems for her.

I know I've been horribly lucky, and I can only put our meeting down to divine grace, still if advice helps I would recommend finding a way to be honest with your partner about what your feeling, and see where she and what support you get, since it might be that you end up with more help in healing than you expect.

Luke.

 

[Squirmish20]

Thank you for all your comments. What doesnt help the situation is that sometimes for some unknown reason I just pull away from her physically. The thought of anyone touching me makes me sad. I feel like I'm defiled and unclean and why would I want to intimate with her when I feel like I might make her dirty too?

Also she is battling from narcissistic abuse from her mum and every man in her life. I'm literally the only man to ever show her kindness and compassion. Our needs are pretty much the immovable object and unstoppable force.

I know what to do I suppose I'm just venting as it seems like my girlfriend and I have had to fight for everything in life and now we have to struggle through this and some part of me wants to ask when does it bloody end?

 

[Ceremony]

There's something, it's really there. Hope, love...

 

[dark empathy]

Actually sq this sounds very familiar.
Up until my lady and I were together, I suffered extreme genophobia, I hated being touched or touching anyone else, and anything to do with s/x caused me to panic. I couldn't be undressed around anyone else, and had to make sure the curtains were always closed.

even when we were being together as friends, I had to ask my lady to wear a jacket over the halter top she was so I could put my arms around her.

This is why I had to be honest, neither of us was even sure we could have! an intimate relationship.

My lady was very gentle, very careful and slow, explaining things, and never grabbing or using triggering language that related back to my abuse.
She has had her own issues, including several very bad past relationships, and indeed says she was attracted to me partly by a quality of gentleness which she says I haveNo it doesn't stop, but at least you can have someone who can be there when you need healing, and it definitely helps not to be alone with this, indeed I have been quite amazed just how strong my lady has been.

God and I have had our issues, but I do thank god each night for my lady, which is my main evidence for the fact that yes, we do find miracles.
I am not saying your situation will be the same, though from what you have said it wouldn't surprise me if your gf is far stronger than you think she is.

Luke.

 

[tbkkfile]

Being the partner of someone has been abused is an incredibly difficult thing. My wife knows that I was abused but doesn't know the details. Sometimes I can see the look of someone who's drowning and can't grab hold of the rope that's been thrown. She's desperate to help but doesn't know how.

She over compensates when something is on the TV that she thinks I might find triggering and I love her so much for caring so deeply.

Like your partner she sometimes feels shut out when I retreat from the world, but telling her that it's not her, being honest and reassuring her that she is my rock and that what I'm doing has nothing to do with her helps.

Dave