Helping him "see" what is wrong

Helping him "see" what is wrong
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Ok, probably futile here but anyway:
If a counselor were to, say, give a victim information on paper about the effects of CSA and instructed him to read it, and if the victim read it, would he then "see" it? Because my husband said we've been to amrriage counseling before which did nothing (patch job, totally missed all issues) and I know he thinks it'd be more of the same. I almost think a therapist should confront him and say basically, "Ok, this is what happened, it was very bad, this is why you can't be intimate, this is ruining your life."
 
Brokenhearted,

I fear it's not that simple. The first thing a good T does is try to gain the survivor's trust, and that's a rough one for many guys. It's not that they don't want to trust their T; the problem is that since they were abused as boys they "know" how stupid it is to trust people. There's little the T can do until the survivor trusts him/her.

The survivor also has to understand he needs help. If he's in denial and thinking, for example, "I got over it; it was a long time ago", then he won't see therapy as relevant or worth his time.

The survivor finally needs to want help and commit to the work of recovery. That can be very rough as well, since men are taught that they should be tough and self-sufficient; therapy can seem very unmanly. And if the survivor feels like a failure as a person anyway, he may dread the prospects of therapy because he figures he will fail there like (he thinks) he has failed everywhere else.

So it's not a matter of presenting the survivor with the "facts" on paper. There are so many other things that have to happen before those facts will mean anything to him.

I'm not saying you shouldn't try anything at all; right now the situation looks so bleak that perhaps anything is worth at least trying. Just remember that how you see things and how they appear to him, as the survivor, will be very different indeed.

Much love,
Larry
 
What about this. Is there antyhing I can say back to him whenever he says, "I just can't give you what you need," (meaning intimacy namely)? I usually say sort of, "Not right now you can't," trying to be positive. I don't know. Because I know he CAN or can learn to. It's so frustrating.
 
Brokenhearted,

Yes, that sounds good. Present the abuse as a temporary problem that a LOT of other guys have recovered from - he can do it too. Does he want to throw away the relationship of a lifetime rather than face the temporary problem? Let him know you need to see progress, but that you would be with him all the way.

Much love,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted,

When my wife and I talked about the abuse, I told her that I didn't know when we could be intimate again. He response, "I will never rush you, or force you or make you feel bad. Just keep going to the therapist."

It took the pressure off, and has helped me relax in therapy.
 
Thanks, guys. Pretty sure he will go soon. I just get the feeling. Absolutely no pressure about intimacy. In my opinion he has years to get through this and I have no problem with that whatsoever.
 
Borkenhearted,

With such a supportive response from you, he better go to therapy!

I have to tell you, every day my wife tells me that she supports me is a step to healing.....
 
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