help

help
V

VN

Registrant
I am write this, and fear in write this, because I am giving hurt to persons I care of. I am not such the person I want to do that.

First I come this site, now is more than year ago. But I not to come and stay, I come to here, go away again. It is fear to me here, to need be here. It is not to say wrong on no one here, there is not bad persons here. It is how on me, I would feel on it. That me, I need be here, it is I am weak, I am not of control of things, myself. I do not think that on no one who is here, but I will think that on myself.

I have been having such the problems this year, the health, and emotion. And so much try, still, I am control of it, when not, no I am not. I can not admit to it, not in control. It too much, it scare me. Always, it just, it easier, I ignore it, I will say no, nothing wrong, is ok. I think, I say that so much, it make to be ok. But it not.

Last night, again, the flashbacks. I do not know how is on more people. Me, it lasts some hours sometime. And I not real remember so much on it after, but friend say, I can not let no one near to me, no one to talk me or touch me. That happen last night, again. And then after, I just try go asleep, and I hear him, my friend, talk on phone of how much he get scare for me, and he worry. That not is fair to him, to no one who is near me.

Today I take myself off the work, me and friend, we talk on some things, try to get me for therpist here, I do not have one. We talk someone at crisis center, of what is happening, and is good he is with me, or I would not talk with this man, I would not be honest to him, just would say is ok. We talk also with my doctor here, I guess I will need medicines to help with this. I hate mediciens, I hate the ones already I must take, I do not want take more. But I do not want make friends worry or feared of me neither.

Much the time, honest, I do not know, if I want to live or to die. It feel selfish, I think that. I know that many people this year have work hard to make me be able to live, and help me improve my health more. And so much, there is been chances to die, and I have not some reason. Even recent, when I have surgery in April, I realize then, no, I do not want to die of it. Why I will think it now, then, maybe I do? It do not make the senses.

All this, I feel stupid. I feel not control of nothing, myself, my life, my brain. I feel weak, I feel not safe. I want what is not here, what I can not have. I feel like drownding, as like, I am fighting so much, but all else, still it is so much more power of me, I can not keep head up out of the water. And sometime I wonder, why even to fight, if the water, just it is too much power of me anyway.

I am not stupid person, I am not weak person, I am not person who want always to be sad and not make things better. I now, I am seeing more now, I can not ignore it, it go away. It do not. I am seeing I can not just try make myself stronger of it, it do not work. I do not want to cause hurt to people I love, I do not want to cause worry to them. But so much, I am afraid to believe of them, that it is real, I am not alone with this. ALways, there is just, it been me to deal of things. It is to much fear to me, beleive that there is persons to help me now. How do I trust that? How to just let that be, without so much fear to lose that if I get use to it? Maybe it is I am weak, if not to be able to do that? The person I love most in my life is dead. I am so much afraid to love any other person as that. So much years later, still there is so much pain of first loss. How is it I could handle another? So much, it seem easier to just not believe it, to just keep away of people. But is not being easier to me no more.

Everything hurt right now. Body, mind, heart. How is it not weak that I say, help? I need help? How is it I can think I am not weak, I do that? And how I trust that is ok, and that is not more hurt and worry to people? I do not want hurt, and do not want more hurt to no one else.

Much is fear, but still, I say it here, please, I need help. I am so sorry.

VN
 
Visha,

I am so sorry to see you hurting like this, but please believe this: if you are having difficulties that doesn't mean you are hurting your friends. We all have pain, and we can all give support and love. I give a lot of support here, but I have also accepted a lot of support and love when I have been hurting and confused. There is nothing wrong in doing that. It is not weakness to say I need help. It is not weakness to ASK for the help we need. It is not weakness to say I have been hurt and the pain is just too much today. In fact it takes courage to say these things, and our true friends are only too happy to help us and understand us.

One thing I am learning myself, Visha, is that "trust" is not something we can do on command. It is a process and a way of thinking that allows us to build something more on it, and it's something we learn over time.

Here's an example. From school science class I KNOW that at a certain temperature water freezes. I am confident of that knowledge; I accept it and I know it's true. Now, what can I do with that knowledge in the real world? I can look at a lake and, remembering that it has been extremely cold for several months, I can BELIEVE that the lake must be frozen to a safe depth. I don't doubt this - I really do believe it.

But now a friend says to me, let's walk across the lake on the ice. If I'm going to do this, I have to TRUST. I have to take what I know and believe and act on it in a way that will affect my life in a real way. So trust isn't easy, because suddenly I have to think of ways I can be harmed if I am wrong.

I think that's why trust is so difficult for survivors. As young boys abuse taught us that harm can come to us any time from any direction; trust seems to be a very stupid way of thinking. And as adults we know our goal can't be to trust the way a child trusts - innocently and blindly. We know that while we rebuild our ability to trust, we have to rebuild our boundaries so we can keep safe.

So I think rebuilding real trust is something that comes to us late in recovery. We have to keep working on it. We want big dramatic steps, but with trust we have to accept small steps forward. We have to realize that there's nothing wrong with us if on a certain day we can't trust a situation, a friend, or even ourselves. We aren't alone in this, just as we aren't alone in any of the other difficult aspects of recovery.

Much love,
Larry
 
(((((((Visha))))))))

sometimes we all hurt and not know where to turn for help.

You are lucky to have a friend to look after you.
You are a strong guy, we have seen it, and yes, it seems so strange that life does bad things.

You are a good guy,

ste
 
Visha,
I am so sorry to hear your pain. You have a good friend. Did you call the numbers I gave you? Is that the therapist you are talking about? You have to talk to him. He will help. thinking of you
Paul
 
Visha,
How is it not weak that I say, help?
Click to expand...
It is not weak. It is strong. A weak man says, "I do not need help. I do everything alone."

Who wins with no coach? Who wins with no supporters? Who wins anything with no help?

Evil people hurt children. They hurt you. They hurt me. They hurt many of our friends. They are bullies. They always try to hurt someone alone. They want to make us be alone. They want to make us weak.

You know practice makes us strong. Sometimes practice hurts or makes us tired, yes? Then we get stronger for that.

You are practicing a better life. Right now. It does hurt. It does make you tired. Please let your supporters help you grow stronger.

(((((((Visha)))))))

спасибо,

Joe
 
You are loved here, Visha, just as every other member here is. As the other's have said, asking for help is the most courageous act any person can make. Thank-you for trusting us with your pain. That is not weakness but strength.

If you take a twig from a tree and bend it with your hands, it will probably snap and break. If you take 25 twigs from the tree, bunch them all together in your hands and try to bend them they're not likely to break because together they are strong.

That's how it is with us here. There are hundreds of us all standing together holding on to each other and when we do that we cannot be broken. Together we are strong.

We are not hurt when another shares their pain. Sure, we may weep for them, but it is not because we are hurt, but because they are hurting and we share in their pain as a indication of the strength we have together. It brings us joy to be able to help our brothers here when they are down.

Many hugs to you, My Friend.

{{{{{{{{Visha}}}}}}}}

Lots of love,

John
 
Visha -

Please You are a good and valuable man -

You know I have had much problems -

It does not feel good to have people see me have these problems -

But - it is good to want to get help and to see

mm - something is uncomfortable i want to change that - or something is upsetting me - i want to
get help-

- I am not perfect -

I know I could learn more sometimes -

but I have learned to value myself enough to

get help

and YOU DID THIS!!!!

- you came here!!!! :) YES!!!!!

My doctor once told me VISHA -

"THE STRONG ONES GO FOR HELP!" :)

and YOU DID!!!

bravo!

I am here for you - we are all here to hear you -

There's no shame in talking out what you feel

please do not be alone with your feelings

as my friend Stephanie said!!

it helps to talk about things -

it helps to say how you feel!


Mark
 
I thank all, who do respond this. A friend, he tell to me, if you feel it not so is comfortable to ask help here, post it, what you say, and then turn off computer, so you do not erase it. Is hard, much hard, to beleive of people say good on me, or that it is, they think that. But I keep, I will work still, I try to make it so is better maybe.

I do not know, what I say, now, it not make sense. Thank you.

VN
 
Visha,

Everyone here is giving you words of encouragement. This is a good place. You are not weak if you are trying to help yourself get better, weak people don't try.

Over the past few months I have had many similiar feelings that you shared. It helps me so much to learn that other people feel the same way I do. I feel less lonely and less ashamed of myself because I feel the same type of pain that you do even if the details of what happenned to each of us is different.

I hope that something I post on this board is helpful to someone because I get a lot of help from reading messages from others. Your message may have been a cry for help but it also has been helpful to me. Thank you!

Sunny
 
(((((((((Visha))))))))

As you can see from these men's responses, you are not alone. None of us think you are weak in any way. Each of us is willing to help you in any way we can. You know you have helped me many times since the time I have known you. Allow us to help you when you need it, Visha.

We have been alone with these issuses for so long, we think we can continue dealing with them alone. Somehow it doesn't work out that way. We need help. Who better to help us than others that, unfortunately, have endured the same type of abuses? We understand each other in a way that no one else can.

You know you can contact me any time you want or need.
 
one of the biggest challenges of healing
i had visha was to appreciate myself

i thought i was nothing - zero -

shit --

now i know i am ok - better than ok -

mmm - i think you are better than ok --

it will be a great day -

and it's not easy - to accept compliments -

it takes a while

but it will be a great day - when you

1. are 'ok' with compliments :)
because they're true!

2. can know you are OK and say it!
because it's true!

(((visha)))
:)

Peace

Mark

-YOU CAN DO IT!!
 
Visha - once we bring the fact we were abused into the open, it can lead to very intense feelings of high and low.

I went through a very extensive stage of thinking I'd made a mistake telling. I thought that if I dodn't shut up and calm down, I would loose all of my friends. Once I had spoken, I didn't want to shut up about it.

I have also felt that I was swimming against the tide - what I can tell you is that sometimes the tide comes in, sometimes it goes out. If we swim in the same direction (looking ahead), sometimes the tide will be with us.

Since the court case, I've gradually got calmer. Now 5 months on and I've confronted the perv face to face, I'm much calmer.

Flashbacks - whilst waiting to go to court, I didn't just have flashbacks, I had to keep everything in my mind for 17 months, just so that I didn't forget anything when we got to court. It is very difficult to switch that back off, but I am!

Visha - you have helped many people here with your common sense approach to issues. Sometimes it is good to listen to your own advice. Judge your own situation as you would judge others here in the same situation. You are gentle towards the situation of others, be gentle to yourself!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Visha,

Please TAKE CARE of yourself. I hope you will feel better, but it does not come easily and as we want it. Give it time.

You are a nice person as you com here for support. It makes you stronger and it is healing for you.

Alexey
Russia
 
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