Help

[jb7]

Prior to the beginning of October, my boyfriend warned me that he tends to get moody during this particular month. I wondered why, but respected his privacy and chose not to inquire. He seemed to be okay until the 23rd. He became angry; not at all like himself. I asked him what was wrong. Three days later, he disclosed that he had been molested in junior high by a neighbor. I wanted to cry, vomit, kill the perpetrator, etc...Most of all, I was in complete shock. Since he told me this, I have had trouble sleeping and have had a great deal of anxiety. We had quite a few plans this past weekend, but he bailed on all of them. I have a feeling it was the anniversary of what happened. Now, he has isolated himself and says that he's not in the mood to talk or do anything. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to begin. Although I am a social worker, this hits too close to home. I would appreciate any advice and/or resource information. Thank you.

 

[MikeNY]

My advice would be to give him whatever time and space he says that he needs or wants.

 

[Enchantedlady]

You've come to the right place! I'm sorry you have to be here. My husband was also sexually abused when he was 9 yrs old. He however doesn't go through any anger (yet). There are a few men that can give you some great advice about your boyfriend.

Has your bf been in therapy to deal with the abuse? If not it might be a good idea for him to see someone. It's really helped my husband that I listen to him and give him whatever support he needs.

 

[Lloydy]

JB
You're probably right, it's likely to be the 'anniversary' of his abuse, or something significant to the abuse.
He's probably got through these anniveries before, in his own way, and he'll probably ease his way through this one, also in his own way.

He has done something monumental though, he's disclosed his past abuse to you, and that's a huge level of love and trust.
But possibly that's all he's prepared to do now, or all he can do.

For so many reasons, most of which are peculiar to each of us, Survivors don't seem to respond well to being pushed into 'dealing with it' in whatever way.
Yes, therapy can work wonders, reading the right books, helps, coming to a site like MS can provide support and help. But the decision to go to those places has to be ours.
The abuse was a foul and huge level of control, and we're trying to escape that. Making our own choices is the first step.

That sounds very hard, and I'm sure that you, and all partners, want to help, support and love guys like me with nothing but the best intentions.
You can make an enormous difference, those of us lucky enough to have loving partners to support us know the difference that it makes. But for me, and many others, the support has to be just that - "support"

As for information, there's a huge amount on MS through the links at the top of the page.
One of the links "Bookstore" will take you to Amazon.com, where every conceivable book on the subject seems to be available.
The one I always recommend is Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer", a remarkable book for both of you. ( MS also get's a % when anyone buys from Amazon through that link )

And keep asking questions here, this forum has over time provided much support and some stunning discussions.

Take care
Dave

 

[SAR]

Hi jb,

It is natural for you to experience these feelings, the most important thing to remember is that they are yours, and they are as real as his, but they are not his.

So you have two tasks right now-- take care of yourself and what you are dealing with as a result of his disclosure, and support him and give him what he needs.

Telling someone about the abuse is hard for many survivors, I know my boyfriend had a lot of worry that I would stop seeing him the same way, that it was "too much" for me, really he had too many worries to name. Probably he needs reassurance that you will treat him as you always have, with a little more understanding and patience when it comes to some things (like plans around the "anniversary") but mostly just the same... after all the person you are is the person he trusted to tell.

It was important to us to do the same things we'd always done and not let "abuse stuff" be the center of our relationship, especially in the beginning. He will talk when he is ready, all you need to do is listen.

The links and articles at MS are great, there is also a search function in the discussion board if you want to know more about something in particular. And of course we are all here to support. In the meantime please try to be good to yourself.

SAR

 

[jessica]

HI, I AM NEW HERE AS WELL AN LOOKING AROUND TO FIND HELP, AND COULD NOT HELP NOTICE OCT. IS A BAD MONTH FOR MY BOYFRIEND AS WELL. BE VERY SUPPORTIVE I KNOW WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH. EVEN THOUGHT BY BOYFRIEND HAS NOT TOLD ME ALL THE DETAILS HE TOLD ME ENOUGH TO SEND ME SEARCHING ON THE INTERNET TO SEE WHAT A PERSON WITH THESE EXPERIENCES HAS TO DEAL WITH. I HAD NO IDEA. I LOVE HIM AND HAVE FOR YEARS AND IF WE COULD TALK THE WAY HE NEEDS TO I WOULD LET HIM KNOW HOW CORAGEOUS I THINK HE IS. IT IS VERY HARD TO GET CLOSE, INTIMATE IF YOU WILL, A LOT OF TIMES IT IS JUST A TRUST ISSUE SO THE FACT HE TOLD YOU IS A NOBLE THING AND YOU ARE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. IF YOU NEED SUPPORT PRAY TO GOD. HE IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE.