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cwilli

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I recently found out that somebody I have become close with over the past 5 or 6 months was sexually abused by a catholic priest as a child. Although I felt honored that he told me about it I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. His abuser is currently in prison having been convicted previously by others. My friend is currently going through therapy.

I am very supportive but I feel like he is very distant since telling me. I care about him a great deal but am afraid that I might say or do the wrong thing.

I would greatly appreciate any advise.
 
cwilli,

Just speaking generally, your friend needs to know that you believe him and don't blame him for what happened to him. If he is just beginning to deal with his abuse issues he will be desperate for safe people to talk to and rely upon for support.

There are of course a million other things that could be said. But for now I would concentrate on these points. If you stay with us on the site you will gain a much clearer picture of what all this is like and how it affects survivors.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry for responding.

My concern is that he was very open about everything when he told me about a week ago but since then I haven't heard from him that much and when I do he seems disconnected (which I can understand).

I just don't want him to start pulling away and isolating himself. He knows that I am here if he wants to talk about anything but I want to be there to take his mind off things and just be ourselves too...am I being selfish?
 
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....big long post disappeared on me! I hate that! OK, here we go again, but shorter this time, 'cause I don't remember all the pearls of wisdom I wrote the first time ;)

CW, your friend may be embarrassed or ashamed that you now know his secret. He needs reassurance that his revelations don't change your relationship. When my b/f has told me something and then he's a bit sheepish, I know he's wondering what I'm thinking, even though he doesn't want to talk - quite a catch 22, huh? When that happens, I usually just say something like, "this doesn't have to start a big conversation, but what you told me doesn't change how I feel about you. You're still my guy and I love you." If words are spoke after, OK, but usually, he just takes a deep breath and hugs me and that's OK because we're OK.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Even now with the people I've disclosed to its a constant test. I don't know how willing they are to stick by my side and hear what I have to go through. It's like I've told them I'm suffering and directly told them I have daily thoughts of wanting to die ... kill myself ... thoughts I have to fight off. It's been my way of giving them a clue and testing them. Thus, will they be there for me or like my parents (back then), and ignore what they should have seen in front of them ... leave me to be emotionally independent and deal with it by myself.

From my perspective the people who really want to support me call me every so often regularly to just check in. They ask me how I've been doing and don't startled when I say ... horrible ... yesterday cried myself to sleep. They actively seek me out to listen.

Keep in mind I was abused at 4 ... so my behavior of what people do to support me is based on an abused 4 year old who felt no support and had to heal himself.

I've given reading and website to the people I've disclosed ... even asked them to give me any feedback and questions on their thoughts about the reading and websites. What they said or more accurately what they haven't said about these tells me how willing they are to understand ... are they willing to educate themselves about what I'm going through. Again its the 4 year old paying attention to is trully willing to be there for me. I've had to face the reality that some of the people I've disclosed to are either unwilling to deal with the subject with me or incapable of supporting me even though they care for me.

I guess what's the kicker is how they've said in the past I would do anything for my child ... or I would go to hell and back for you ... or I would jump in shark infested water to save you ... or I would run through a brick wall for you. The kicker ... well its been time to step up and show these weren't just words. Most days it feels like a living hell to be me ... so are they really willing to go to hell and back and see or at least listen to what its like to live this way.

Sorry for the long post ... tears coming down my cheeks ... but its obviously a difficult topic.

Courage-Wisdom-Spiritualtiy
 
When I tell people about my abuse I talk about 3000 words a minute. It feels great to get this off my chest. As I start to calm down I become aware of the other person's feelings and will ask "are you of with this?" and "Did I upset you?"

Somedays I pull away and feel the need to be alone. I do look forward to hearing from friends and welcome most inquiries regarding my well being. I think that checking in with friend will make him feel better. Sometimes dealing with abuse is like mourning the lost love and support that most people get in their childhood.

GOOd luck!
 
It's been a while since I have been on here and really appreciated everybody's comments.

My friend has really been having a difficult time the last few months...he left town to go to a sexual abuse treatment facility for about 6 weeks and recently got back. Since being back he seems angry (especially at the catholic church) and keeps saying that he hates where we live and wants to leave. Where we live is not where his abuse took place.

I'm really worried about him and although we talk almost every day I wish there was something else I could do. Part of me would be very hurt if he left but the other part feels that if he needs to leave to make himself feel better then he should.

I don't know what to do....sorry for the long post.
 
cwilli,

Is the anger new? I know with my b/f he doesn't get angry; he just says it was what it was so you deal. I'm waiting for the day that the anger I know is there begins to release. I'm a bit aprehensive of the probability, but I expect it will come. Perhaps your friend is just experiencing this for the first time and it has a grip on him for the moment. Just a thought.

As for moving away, I don't know what to do with that one at all. Stay close and keep being a good friend. There's really not much more you can do. Be assured though, that it's alot.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
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