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TINK,
MY HUSBAND IS DOING MUCH BETTER THIS WEEK. THANKS! I'M SURPRISED ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S REACTION TO YOUR DECISION, FROM WHAT YOU TOLD ME. ONLY YOU KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE. I WISH THAT YOU DID RECEIVE SOME PEACE FROM IT, BUT YOU SOUND MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER. AS FAR AS YOUR HUSBAND "FORGIVING" YOU. HE FORCED YOU TO MAKE THIS DECISION. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE HE MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD GO BACK W/OUT ANY CONSEQUENCES TO HIM FOR ALL OF HIS INFIDELITY. IS HE STILL GOING TO THE THERAPIST? ARE YOU? HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT HIS PAST AND NOT COMING TO TERMS WITH IT IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE MARRAIGE. WHILE THE ABUSE WAS NOT HIS FAULT, HE NEEDS TO ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS CURRENT SITUATION AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN, NOT A TEEN AGER.
ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH HIM, OR ARE YOU SEPERATE RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU ABLE TO CONFIDE IN ANYONE ELSE SO YOU CAN GET SOME ADDITIONAL SUPPORT?

BE STRONG AND HANG IN THERE.
MARSHA
 
Glad to hear your husband is doing much better, is the depression a new thing?

I am still seeing the therapist but it doesn't seem to be helping. I think it is because I keep myself in limbo all the time. He is not going at all and won't unless he gets to "keep me". He says he can't deal with all this pain (divorce + past trauma) at one time and it wouldn't be worth it if he loses me. I am still in the house Marsha because my Jeep is in the shop but I will be leaving Friday. We seem to have completely reversed roles for the first time in 8 years, he is now feeling the pain and loss he has caused me to feel for so long. He told me last night how horrible it is for him waiting for me to call all day, wondering if I will come home that night, excited if I send e-mail, being on the verge of tears all the time. He says he feels so desperate and helpless. I gently let him see that is how I have felt for so long and he was just stunned. He seemed to realize it at that very moment how I have felt, he is now where I have been so many times. The difference is I understand him and have compassion, I know how to behave to lessen the blow for him instead of deepening his pain. He will do anything to keep me and doesn't understand it is too late. I just wish I didn't have to lose so much to teach him this sad lesson. I am so sad and terrified right now, no home, no stability and a broken heart. It would be so easy to change my mind but so difficult to live with the decision. He keeps checking the house for little things to be packed that would mean I am "really" leaving, it is so sad.

It sucks to imagine some lucky woman will get to live a wonderful life with him if he someday heals, he really is a terrific person besides the infidelity. His feelings get hurt easily by friends and seeing an elderly couple hold hands makes him tear up. How could you not love that. I wish it could have been different.

I bought the book "victims no longer" yesterday to leave with him, perhaps he will use it, even as a bathroom book, and eventually come to terms with his past.

Sorry for ranting, only his sister (in real life) knows I am leaving so I don't get this out much. Thanks for listening Marsha.
 
TINK,
IT IS ALL SO REAL NOW ISN'T IT? RATHER THAN LOOKING AT THIS SEPARATION AS PERMANENT, CAN IT MAYBE BE JUST " TIME APART"? TIME APART TO SORT THINGS OUT AND DEAL WITH THINGS SEPERATELY, THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS, OR IS THIS YOUR "FINAL DECISION"?

IT IS AMAZING HOW A "GREAT GUY", LIKE OUR HUSBANDS, CAN BE SO TORMENTED INSIDE BECAUSE OF THIER TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD AND HOW IT RIPPLES INTO SO MANY LIVES SO MANY YEARS LATER. CHILD MOLESTORS ARE THE WORST THAT THERE IS! NOTHING WORSE.

LAST NIGHT WAS MY FINAL CLASS FOR TRAINING THAT I AM GOING THROUGH TO VOLUNTEER WITH CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND ARE NOW IN FOSTER CARE. LAST NIGHT'S SPEAKERS WERE EXPERIENCED VOLUNTEERS IN THIS PROGRAM. ONE VOLUNTEER WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS CASE AND IT REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF MY HUSBAND THAT I JUST SAT THERE TEARING UP. IT WAS TERRIBLE BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW SCREWED UP THIS KID IS GOING TO BE IN 10-20 YEARS AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT SO MANY PEOPLE IN YEARS TO COME.

JUST A NOTE, MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION IS NOTHING NEW. HE HAS DEALT WITH THIS SINCE HIS ABUSE 17 YEARS AGO. HE EVEN TRIED TO COMMIT SUECIDE WHEN HE WAS 17.

MARSHA
 
Congratulations on finishing your course Marsha, it shows great courage and determination to be a part of the healing.

I am looking at my decision as final, otherwise I could not start to heal, I will just stay in limbo. For obvious reasons I do not trust him to spend a separation alone and I don't want to be afraid of that pain anymore. If I am not his wife I do not have to be "aware" of his behavior. I have never hurt so deeply as I do right now but I have to believe that someday I will be happy again and this pain will either get packed away or just go away. I can only assume it takes a great deal of love and determination to go through the healing process with a survivor. I don't think I have have the strength, trust or respect left to do it. If his behavior had been destructive in other ways that did not betray me so deeply it would be different.

Even as I write this it has not sunk in that I am walking away from my life with him. I now feel the guilt. I understand that his past is a big part of who he is today and perhaps he can change the destructive patterns but he has chosen to do these things. I can't find forgiveness anymore and right or wrong this is a decision I have to live with. The "what if's" will haunt me along with the guilt of abandoning him. Got to go, I am at work and if I start crying I won't stop.
 
I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you bought the book. If he will read it he will have a better understanding of himself and maybe not feel so alone. I'll be praying for both of you in your healing process. Neil
 
Thanks Neil,
I read through some of the book yesterday and it related to him a bit from the outside appearance but I'll never know what his true self is. He hasn't even looked at the book and I doubt he ever will. Thanks for the prayers.
Tink
 
TINKER,
FRIDAY IS HERE. I BET YOU WISH IT WASN'T. YOUR HUSBAND HAS SUCH A LONG WAY TO GO. MAYBE HE'LL SEE THAT, HOPEFULLY HE WILL, AND SOMEDAY SOON YOU WILL SEE A CHANGED MAN AND START FRESH. IF NOT, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. AS WE TALKED ABOUT IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATIONS, YOU CANNOT BE TREATED LIKE A DOORMAT, NO MATTER WHAT THE UNDERLYING REASONS ARE. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR STICKING IT OUT THIS LONG. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS? WILL YOU SEE A THERAPIST OR WOULD YOU RATHER DEAL WITH IT BY YOURSELF?

DOES HIS SISTER KNOW ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S ABUSE? IS SHE SUPPORTING YOUR DECISION? DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO, AT LEAST TEMPORARRILY? SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

YOU WILL COME AWAY FROM THIS OKAY, EVENTUALLY. I IMAGINE THAT IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO TRUST AGAIN. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, AND REMEMBER, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD.

MARSHA
 
Thank you for the support Marsha, I just wish someone could make this all ok. I left on the weekend and spent the time in a hotel, I will be moving in with a friend today for a few weeks until I find an apartment. It feels like I am living in a dream, someone else's life. My husband is having a difficult time missing me and I think it will get worse as time goes by, when he realizes I'm probably not coming back. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I can't forget what he did, no matter how sweet and caring he is right now. I had been conversing with Carl123 and Neil through e-mail and they helped a lot. With the situation change I have stopped conversing with them for awhile as it doesn't seem fair, their wish is to help him heal and I am not helping right now.

Hope all is well with you.
 
TINKER, HANG IN THERE! YOU ARE VERY BRAVE DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IN THE LONG RUN, YOU ARE HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE FIRST IF NOT THE ONLY, PERSON FORCING HIM TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST WHICH HE HAS TO DO TO MOVE FOWARD AS A MAN. HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT A BOOK FOR YOURSELF TO READ TO SORT OF MAKE S0ME SENSE OF THIS BUT I AM STILL READING BETRAYED AS BOYS, IT HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL. (MY HUSBAND HATED IT, HE SAID IT WAS TOO CLINICAL, BUT THAT IS WHAT I ENJOY MORE)

HAS HE STOPPED THE THERAPY? TAKE THIS TIME AND MOURN FOR YOUR LOSS, BUT ALSO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF.

THINKING ABOUT YOU,
MARSHA
 
TINKER,

JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING AWAY THIS WEEK END AND WON'T HAVE ACCESS TO A COMPUTER--YIKES! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU!

HAVE YOU SETTLED INTO YOUR FRIEND'S PLACE, YET. I'M SURE THIS WEEK END WILL BE HARD.

TALK NEXT WEEK,
MARSHA
 
I hope you have a good weekend Marsha.

We are coping the best we can, it is rough and we are both mentally and physically exhausted. Only time can help us now. I am trying to settle in but it is hard to be away from home and I miss my husband. He is hurting too and I want to rescue and comfort him but the bad memories get in the way. The hurt just won't let me be the person I want to. I have decided to take some medication for depression, it has been 3 months now and I am not doing any better, I hope it works fast so I can feel somewhat human again.

Thank you for being my friend.
 
TINK, I'M SO SORRY HOW TOUGH IT IS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU EVER SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION BEFORE? IT MUST MAKE YOUR SITUATION SEEM JUST THAT MUST DESPERATE. I DO THINK THAT YOU ARE RIGHT, TIME IS YOUR NEW ALLI NOW. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT.

I ACTUALLY HAD A VERY DIFFICULT TIME THIS WEEK END. I TOOK THE CHILDREN UP TO HIS PARENTS' HOUSE TO VISIT, AND WE HAD A FRIEND'S WEDDING ON SUNDAY. HIS MOM AND I WENT TO A CRAFT SHOW ON SATURDAY, WHEN WE WENT IN, SHE VERY SUDDENLY JERKED ME AWAY FROM A TABLE AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO AVOID SOMEONE. I DIDN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, AND MOVED ON. LATER WE SEPARATED TO SHOP ALONE. I HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT ROOM, FORGETTING WHAT HAD HAPPENED WHEN WE FIRST GOT THERE. AS I WAS GOING AROUND, I WAS READING THE DIFFERENT BOOTH'S, THE COMPANY NAMES, AND I SAW THE COMPANY THAT MY HUSBAND WORKED FOR WHEN HE WAS ABUSED. IT IS A FARM AND THEY WERE THERE SELLING PIES AND JAM. IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE, BUT THEY ARE A VERY POWERFUL FAMILY IN THIS TOWN, BECAUSE THEY OWN SO MUCH LAND AND RETAIL OUTLETS IN THE TOWN. AS I WAS GETTING DISGUSTED WITH THE FACT THEY WERE ALL OVER THE TOWN, I READ THE SELLERS NAMETAG AND IT WAS HIM! I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! I WAS SHELLSHOCKED. I STARTED TO SWEAT AND MY KNEES WERE BUCKLING. I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS GOING TO POUND OUT OF MY CHEST. (OBVIOUSLY, I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE.) I STEPPPED OUTSIDE TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF, WHEN I DID, I WENT BACK TO HIS STATION AND GOT ON LINE, WHERE CUSTOMERS WERE PAYING. I DID NOT KNOW WHY, WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, OR SAY. ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS "GET ANY UNSIGNED MAIL LATELY?" TRUELY, I WANTED TO PHYSICALLY ATTACK HIM. I THEN NOTICED MY HUSBAND'S MOM COMING AROUND THE CORNER AND GOT OUT OF LINE. AS I WAS LEAVING, I NOTICED A TEEN-AGED BOY MANNING THE STATION WITH HIM. I ALMOST LOST IT, THINKING ABOUT WHAT THIS MONSTER WAS DOING TO THIS BOY. I JUST WANTED TO GRAB HIM AND SAY, RUN! I WILL GO WITH YOU TO THE POLICE STATION. GET OUT OF HERE, BUT I DIDN'T.

WHAT ALSO MADE IT SO BAD WAS, ONCE AGAIN, HIS MOTHER'S REACTION! HOW COULD SHE ACT LIKE THIS IS NO BIG DEAL. HOW COULD SHE STAY AND SHOP! IT BRINGS BACK SO MANY HARSH FEELINGS THAT I HAVE TOWARD HIS PARENTS AND HOW THEY HANDLED THIS WHOLE SITUATION 16 YEARS AGO. IT INFURIATES ME.

NOW I HAVE ALL OF THIS TURMOIL IN MY HEART. I CANNOT TELL MY HUSBAND WHO I SAW, I'M AFRAID OF WHAT HE WOULD DO. I COULD SEE THIS DESTROYING HIM KNOWING THAT THIS PSYCHO WAS IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME. THANK GOD I DECIDED NOT TO TAKE MY CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY MY SON. I ALSO DON'T WANT HIM HURT, AGAIN, BY HIS MOTHER'S ACTIONS.

I'M SORRY TO GO ON AND ON, FRANKLY I WAS DESPERATE FOR A COMPUTER TO CONTACT YOU WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENED.

THANKS FOR LISTENING!
MARSHA
 
How horrible for you Marsha, it must have made you just sick to see that beast. Thank God you husband didn't go too, it could have been a real set back for him. I wish there was something, 1 simple thing that could be done to even the score for your family but we both know that is impossible. What has been taken cannot be replaced and the pain felt by your family can never be redirected to that monster. It will probably take some time for you to get past seeing him and especially dealing with your mother in-law's reaction. Do you think your mother in-law will mention it to your husband? Sorry I could not be there right when you needed me Marsha. I will open a hotmail account so we can exchange personal e-mail if you want, no one else will see it. That way I can just close it after and I don't care who has the hotmail address. Let me know if that is too close for you.

I wasn't online over the weekend as I started taking an anti depressant and had a horrible reaction to it. I ended up in the hospital and my husband kept me very close to him. I feel like a child and I think he feels sorry for me, makes me feel more pathetic than loved. Still lost but I will find my way. I had an apartment of my own lined up but my husband spent all of our money at the casino and I am too broke now to pay first and last, just can't win.
 
OH MY GOSH, TINKER! ALL YOU WANT IS A BIT OF PEACE AND YOU CANNOT SEEM TO GET IT. ARE YOU FEELING BETTER? ARE YOU ABLE TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE TO HELP YOU? ARE YOU STILL LIVING WITH YOUR FRIEND? DOES YOUR HUSBAND REALIZE WHAT HIS GAMBLING SPREE HAS DONE TO YOU? WHEN WILL HE STOP HURTING YOU! I'M SO SORRY.

I WISH I COULD HELP YOU MORE THAN JUST WRITING TO YOU. I HOPE THAT IT DOES HELP YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A GREAT SOURCE OF COMFORT FOR ME. YOU HAVE LITERALLY BEEN MY COMFORT ZONE FOR ME TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF AND TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN MY SITUATION. PLEASE REMEMBER THE SAME IT TRUE FOR YOU. NOT ONLY DO MANY OTHER WOMEN, NOT JUST US, FEEL FOR YOU, BUT GOD IS WITH YOU AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE DOES HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU AND YOUR LIFE. IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY GETTING THERE. JUST THE FACT THAT GOD PUT US TOGETHER TO HELP EACH OF US THROUGH OUR SITUATIONS IS SO IMPORTANT.

HANG IN THERE, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, HOPEFULLY SOON!
MARSHA
 
Hi Marsha,
I am feeling a bit better physically. Just have to let time heal my heart. I will keep checking for your messages if you need someone to talk to or just to listen to your thoughts.
Tink
 
TINK,
SORRY I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE. IT HAS BEEN A CRAZY WEEK. HOW ARE YOU FEELING. I'M SURE THAT THE HOLIDAYS ARE GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU. WILL YOU BE WITH YOUR FAMILY? I HOPE THEY ARE SUPPORTING YOU.

IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS WEEK I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I WAS AT THE BUS STOP WITH MY CHILDREN. THE BUS PULLED UP AND THEY GOT ON THE BUS. I WALKED OVER TO THE BUS TO CHAT WITH THE DRIVER AND IT WAS MY HUSBAND'S ABUSER BEHIND THE WHEEL, NOT THE KIDS' DRIVER. THE BUS PULLED AWAY AND I WOKE UP SHAKING.

I HATE THE FACT THAT I CANNOT TALK TO MY HUSBAND ABOUT THIS. I FEEL LIKE I'M KEEPING SECRETS.

HAVE A HAPPY TURKEY DAY. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP.

MARSHA
 
Hi Marsha,
No turkey here being a Canadian and all but I hope you have a nice holiday. As for Christmas .... don't know how to handle that one. We discussed divorce last night and we are both quite upset today. I know I can't live with what he has done, or forgive him again but I panic and change my mind every time it comes to a final decision. I just wish this would all go away. I am now getting pressure from family and the therapist to leave or make a final decision to stay.

I really hope your life is better than this right now. Are you sure you can't discuss what is happening with your husband? Perhaps you could go to his therapy session with him and bring it to the light of day. You need EACH OTHER to get through this and it is not the secrets that cause a problem, it's feelings tied to them. He is obviously a strong man to have made it this far so he could have strength for you too.

[This message has been edited by tinker (edited 11-22-2000).]
 
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT. I DO THINK THAT I SHOULD TELL MY HUSBAND. I FEEL LIKE I AM BUILDING UP MY WALL AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME TO PROTECT HIM, INSTEAD OF MYSELF. MAYBE I WILL GO TO THERAPY WITH HIM. THANKS.

DON'T FEEL PRESSURE FROM ANYONE TO MAKE A FINAL DECISION UNTIL YOU ARE READY, BUT, IF YOU ARE READY, DON'T LET YOUR HUSBAND CHANGE YOUR MIND. IF YOU NEED MORE TIME, TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED. RIGHT NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IS BEST.

HANG IN THERE!
MARSHA
 
Hi Marsha,
I wanted to touch base with you and see how things are going. Have you gone to a session with your husband yet? Are you still feeling quite strong? I know this time of year can be difficult for some people so I hope it is a peaceful time for your family.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Love and a big hug,
Tink
 
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