Help

Help
L

lucentny

Registrant
Okay. I am sitting here sobbing at my computer. My boyfriend of a year and half has effectively dumped me (he is a survivor of sexual abuse - from his father). We have gone through so much together, and I love him sooooooooooooooo much. I love him totally, and unconditionally. He recently decided to take a long leave from work to go home and visit with old friends and talk with his mother who he hasn't spoken with in about a decade. He doesn't trust his mom b/c she probably knew it was all going on but ignored it.

Anyway, he was writing me, calling me, everyday while on his leave telling me how much he loved me, missed me,etc. He meets his mom at the end of trip right before he returns home and it went very, very badly. His mom denied everything. Basically told him that he and his brother were two of the worst decisions in her life. It was just awful and ugly.

He comes home to me emotionally dead. (Big surprise) Tells me to leave and he doesn't want to see me again. I love him so much. I know he says go, but I want to be there for him. I want to hug him when he is sad. I want to be there to listen to him if he is down. It's like he came back and someone pulled the plug on his emotions.

He says that he thinks he is just clinically depressed. What he says over and over to me is that he is just "done" that he can't be in our relationship anymore b/c it just ends up hurting me. He said our time together was the happiest he has ever been and now he is at the lowest moment of his life. I was the FIRST person he ever told about his abuse. The first.

He says he doesn't think he'll ever be truly happy. He says he just isn't meant to be. Jesus Christ It just breaks my heart that he is making such a major decision to cut me out of his life when he isn't thinking straight b/c he is so depressed. I told him I would wait for him however long it takes....my devotion for him will never stop....I just feel so broken hearted right now. What should I do???????
 
Sigh.

This is a terrible position for you to be in - I empathize so much with the feelings of abandonment, but there is another undercurrent here that will be very difficult for you to address: that of outrage! But - let's put that aside for the moment.

Unfortunately, given that your loved one is in a very serious downward spiral, the first thing you will need to do is to contact a local suicide hotline OR clergy OR your bf's therapist if he has one. Please don't try to handle this on your own - it would be tough even without the rejection, but right now you are experiencing your own grief as well. It is very unfair for you to have to summon all your emotional resources in order to respond appropriately when you have just been the object of your loved one's displaced anger.

Please don't blame yourself! There is nothing you couldda wouldda shouldda done any differently. Your loved one's reactions have their basis in his biology which has been distorted by the trauma he has suffered.

As respects drawing help from the mental health professional community, it is not necessary that you advise them of the reason for your loved one's behavior - you need not worry about revealing the SA. All you need to do is to alert them that he may be depressed enough to harm himself - they will guide you through the appropriate response.

And finally, I don't know if your bf is aware of your involvement with MS. He may be able to derive great comfort from the support of his brothers here - they have all experienced the same levels of grief and shock and betrayal and horror. And they are some of the most loving, accepting, comforting, and giving men that your bf could ever "meet."

Please keep in touch with us here - you, too, will need support. We are here for you.

Hugs!!!!
 
I know you said that you are the first person that he has told, has he talked with anyone other than you about it? It sounds like where he is at is a very dark place without any signs of a way out. Unfortunately, what you have written is why so many people won't seek help. What happened when he went home, only reinforces his fears of talking with anyone about it. What he needs most, and what you need most, is for him to get some help, even if it is just coming here and reading some posts.
Good luck.
 
In addition to what these folks said, I just want to point out that he was just rejected by his mom. He doesn't think he is good enough for anyone if his own mom doesn't accept him. His reaction is to come home and push you away as hard as he can to make sure he can trust you to stay no matter what. The problem with that is this can turn into a cycle where you always get crap, so don't forget to look out for number one and that's you.

Also, and don't get me wrong here, I'm not sticking up for his mom, but if his father was the abusive type then his mom probably felt guilty and helpless out of fear. If she knew and says she doesn't you can bet it was a defense mech.

Good luck, you are on a long road, but you can make it with a lot of work.
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to reply. I told my boyfriend about the site and he promised me that he would begin to use it.

I did have a lot of anger when he told me to get out of his life. Anger now that I'm ashamed that I displayed towards him b/c it's not his fault. He said he was sorry, but he has nothing to be sorry about. He has every right to feel dead inside....to feel angry, sad, and depressed.

My real anger is towards his father...sick, sick, sick, man.....I just want to get on a plane and grab him and kick the living shit out of him. He goes on living his life not aware of the damage he has inflicted. I get so angry thinking about it sometimes I can't think straight.

I contacted a person for him that is a psychotherapist who deals with issues of trauma and she gave me her cell number to pass along to him.....I hope he calls her.

I sit here totally brokenhearted with the hope that he won't forget that I love him, am here for him, and will never stop caring for him. Sigh. Will try and get something done at work today rather than sit here and cry, which is all that I seem to do lately.
 
Hugs - now is one of those times when you have to rely on FAITH - when all seems lost and you have no guarantees which way this will turn out.

Faith that you will get through this, faith that your BF may find help and come back to you, faith that if he doesn't that you'll be OK no matter what.

It is hard when someone cuts you out of their life like that I have had that happen to me a few times it hurts a lot. And there is nothing to compare with that lost "suspended animation" feeling of not knowing how it will turn out. Its awful.

Remember this rejection by him has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him wanting to reject everything and everyone in his life.. he has no capability right now to feel anything but pain and loss. He has been hurt and abandoned by those people who should have protected him, so naturally he wants to shut out the world - its a protective instinct that all people/animals/organisms have in them to some degree.

I think there must be something deep inside every survior that somehow, somewhere, wants their mom or dad to come around and "rescue them" and make it all right, to fix the wounded inner child. My partner has that need etched deep inside him and he wrestles with it al the time. He continually opens himself up to his mom and has his hopes dashed time and again -she's not the most understanding or compassionate woman around. He also tries to get that "wounded child fix" from me from time to time.. it is hard.

Not having someone to tell and help them when they are abused by many counts (according to a lot of therapists) is way worse than the actual abuse itself - it shatters the survior's ability to feel safe and proteced and loved in this world. It was the neglect and over-control that my own partner's mother showed that kept him from telling her about his own abuse experience - and I feel that was way more damaging than the actual sexual abuse he suffered.

It will take awhile and some effort on your bf's part to try and come to terms with it - to find a way to feel important and "worth it", to re-parent himself and give himself the messages that a responsible parent should have. Its hard, but it can be done.

I hope that he finds the strength to come on here and he will find a lot of support from guys who are also in his shoes and who have gone a lot further along the journey of healing. He could also seriously benefit from a therapist - especially if he is exhibiting signs of depression. In that case he should also see a doctor/psychiatrist.

I dont know what I'd be doing if I didnt have the support of the guys on here to navigate all the curiosities and oddities of being in a relationship with a SA survivor. This place is amazing and the guys are so honest and helpful. I hope your bf comes here, this place has saved a lot of people.

P
 
lucentny

I am sorry for everything you're feeling right now.

He won't forget that you love him. Acts of love are like stars. When the sun shines on the rest of our lives, they fade and we don't need to depend on them for light. But in the middle of the night, when all we have are small pinpricks of light between ourselves and darkness, even the smallest, weakest one means something-- and if there are enough of them, we can see and be guided by the light that we can't yet reach.

Right now, he might truly want you out of his life--not because he doesn't care about you, but because he does-- because he wants to protect you and thinks you deserve better than his shitty life. He is right--NEITHER ONE of you deserves to live in that shitty life. Maybe if he knows that you are waiting on the other side of it, he can convince himself that he deserves better too.

take care of yourself
SAR
 
SAR,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You know, yesterday I was feeling a little better and then I read what you just wrote and it was so touching I find myself sobbing again at my desk here at work.

Damnit. The ONE person that loves him he is throwing in the trash. I've told him I would wait for him, I told him I understand that does need to be alone to thrash things out and he has effectively thrown me in the dump. He wrote this to me:
"I just want you to know that deep down, I thank you every minute of my life, and at the same time, I just want you to be happy. That wont happen with me, but I know it will without me, I am sure of that. All I want is to know that I am not wrecking someones life in increments, which is what I have been doing up till now, and I want you to have a chance to find happiness again, and to find what you need. Neither of those things can be provided by me, thats all, but it does not mean they are impossible. You can do it."

He is at such a low, low, low, low point he thinks that he wasn't meant to be happy. He has so many STUPID misconceptions about himself and life that I feel like I'm talking to a wall when I tell him that the way he is feeling now won't last forever. He was meant to give and receive love. I tell him, and he knows he can trust me.

He just feels he isn't capable at the moment, which I understand, but I don't understand why he has to throw "us" away. I know the road won't be easy, but I love him. I want to be there for him. The thought of him being sad makes me unable to sleep at night....Am truly heartbroken.

So, I sit here and I thank you all for your support...but ultimately it appears that he doesn't want to be with me.
 
lucentny

Relationships take work. Even very healthy, incredibly low-stress relationships are more work than not being in a relationship at all. Your boyfriend is acting out of love for you and self-preservation. I know that your world is falling apart right now, but step back if you can. Wait and see. It's possible that your boyfriend is preserving what energy he has so that he can focus on getting through his day and saving up what's left to work on himself. Selfish, a little, hurtful, yes, but needed? If it wasn't he wouldn't be doing it. And I know you'd rather see him using what energy he has to get healthy... if he could have you right by his side while he neglected you and spent all his energy on himself, he wouldn't be the loving guy you know he is.

Give him time. Give yourself some care. We're here for you.

SAR
 
What he wrote is extremely common. Everybody here can tell you that. You will find great advice and support here. So will he if he chooses to.

He loves you so much, that he doesn't want to hurt you, not realizing that he is hurting you by doing what he is doing. He is thinking that it is better to do it now than to hurt you even worse by being with him any longer. He is without hope, he is alone, he is isolated. He is also dissociating himself from his feelings. Right now, he probably doesn't actually feel much of anything.
 
Mike,

Thank you so much for replying to my post. You are absolutely right. He isn't feeling anything at the moment. Completely and totally emotionally dead. In his own words, "done."

I do understand that he needs to take a moment to sort things out, but I don't understand how/why he thinks it's good to throw me in the trash to spare he says further hurt b/c he knows he is totally incapable of being happy. He is so irrational and depressed, and at the same time is so resolute that he is right and what he is doing is for the best.

I mean, one minute he'll be laughing and the next he'll be sobbing....totally curled up sobbing....it's so, so, so, so, heartbreaking to see it. I just wish I could take all his hurt away and he could give it to me b/c I know I am stronger.

I'm not his girlfriend at the moment and all I can offer is my love and support if he wants it...which he has told me he clearly doesn't.

Why is he letting his EVIL Father win??? I kept asking him this and I said you are letting your dad not only destroy you, but destroy the one thing that you said made you the happiest you have ever been in your life: our relationship. Sigh.

I guess only time will tell how things will end up. He promised to come to the board and seek therapy, but I don't know for sure if he'll do either. I just hope and pray that he will get a very good therapist.
 
I don't know how much you have read here on MS. There is a lot to learn.

He could actually stay in this state, in a functional manner, for years. I'm not saying that he is going to, but it is a possibility. What he really needs is to learn about PTSD, triggers, dissociation, and all kinds of things. He needs help. He needs support. He needs to know that he is not the only person that this happens to.

To some extent, he will also learn that his entire life is basically a lie. In one way or another, he has been dissociatiing throughout it. With CSA, many things, including love and trust, are twisted and distorted and intertwined with feelings of anger, pain, guilt, shame, and all kinds of other things. Until he starts to learn this, and fight against it, and get rid of it, he will have an extremely difficult time ever trying to learn or understand how things actually are supposed to be.

Right now, absolutely nothing makes much of any sense to him. It's all meaningless. It's all hopeless. He reached for what he thought would be an opportunity to confront this and face it head on and be done with it and free from it forever, and it failed. Unfortunately, even if he had succeeded, it still would have failed. This will never go away overnight. It takes hard work, determination, love, understanding, support, and all kinds of things, inclulding time.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top