HELP

HELP
J

Jaco

Registrant
I need help in sorting out my life!!!!!
Here my story begins.

As a very young child I was molested by a guy of about 18. He was brother of a family friend. All that I can remember of the abuse is three things. As to when it started I do not know. My first memory was of him.

Between the ages of 7-10 I told him that I do not want to do "this" any more. His parting words to me were: One day you would want this again.

Years later, when I was about +-16, I was picked up by a guy at a public toilet. From then on I knew that this would be a spot where I can get my "fix".

Today I am married man for 4 years, have a lovley wife and daughter. Someone who cares for me and a marriage made in haven.

But I was unfaitfull

I still went to get my "fix" in public places. And I was constantly on gay websites and watching gay porn.

A week ago I finally told her what I have been doing to my life. (only after she confronted me with evidance) That I was putting us all in danger did not dawn on me until a few days ago.

We (and me alone) are seeing a professional now. I need, must and will change. I tried it once before but could not.

So far my wife is understanding and she is supporting me. But I know that she is also under a lot of preasure, as she is expeting our second child.

I have broken our marriage vows. I have destroid our lifes. Although she has decided not to leave me right now, I am still afraid that this could happen. I love her so much and do not want to loose her.

Deep down inside me I hate the person that I am and I hate the person who has done this to me.

I know that I have taken the first step in getting rid of this evil that has run my life for so long. I have tried before but failed, as I have tried to do it all by myself.

My wife has started reading up about this and have found this website. (Here we both are finding some good advice and we are reading all the topics to get a better understanding) I feel much better to know that I am not the only person out there that has these problems. I have always sruggled with the question if I am gay or not. I know that I am not but have always find some sort of relieve in getting my "fix"

I've got a long road ahead of me.

I need to save myself, our marriage and our family. I need to win the trust, love and understanding back from my wife as I have shattered this into millions of peaces.

I need HELP.
 
It my be a goog idea to have your wife get therapy too, to understand it a bit better.

You have made a huge step in disclosing to her,
that is difficult.

Acting out is like a drug, I got to downloading porn after porn, not even looking at most of it.

It is an addiction which I have largely got control over.

There are withdrawal effects, but they can be overcome,

ste
 
Jaco,

I think the first step is one you have already taken. You have recognized that it was you who put the relationship in peril and that you need help and support. That makes a lot of difference my friend.

This idea of needing a "fix" of forbidden sex is pretty well known among survivors, so you aren't alone. Join in the discussions here as you feel comfortable, and I am sure you will gain a lot from the site. But back in the "real world" I hope you will stick with your therapy. This can make a world of difference, but it is you who have to want to make the changes, stay committed to recovery, and seek to re-establish the trust that has been lost. I wish you all the best.

Much love,
Larry
 
jaco, it sounds like you are doing everything right at the moment. and your post is very honest and open. many of us can relate. when my wife was lying about her behaviors, i found the chronic lying more destructive than the behaviors. i understood she had problems (as do i) . i just wanted her to be honest and trust me to be her partner. her shame over her inability to stop, prevented honesty and i eventually left. with therepy she eventually got her life under control. i unfortunately am still subjugated by my own personal addictions. blessings on you both. bob
 
Hi Guys. Thanks for talking to me and shareing your feelings and thoughts. I am hopefull for the future as I know that now I have a support group n place to whom I can talk about. My wife and I are constantily now looking and reading the post.

For me I recognise myself in Dave although he was on the other end of the stick.

I would 99% of the time receive a bj than to give one.

My father was never there for me that much. He was always away from home for 3 months or longer. He loved the army and always went up to Angola to fight the war

The day I told my folks about the molestation my dad walked out on me.

On my 21st birthday he was having a brain operation for the removal of a brain tumor.
He asked our kids a few years ago if we would forgave him for not being there for us. We all did. But it was a bit late as I needed a father in my childhood.

He died in my arms in Jan 2000.

Today I wish he was here o see my kids. I can only hope and pray that he looks down on me and see the beautifull daughter I have.

Take care
 
Jaco
I did the same as you, went from my abuse by others to abusing myself as an adult. It's no fun, but it's something we can overcome.


Between the ages of 7-10 I told him that I do not want to do "this" any more. His parting words to me were: One day you would want this again.
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They told us lies Jaco, it's what they do best because sexual abuse has a great deal to do with the abuse of POWER, sex is the weapon they use along with lies and threats.
But these people were stronger than us, they were the 'grown ups', and kids believe grown ups.
As kids we are like a sponge and suck up information, but we got the wrong information at a very important stage in our development, information that stays with us until we make the effort to disprove that crap and learn the right information. Something you've started to do.

But I was unfaitfull

I still went to get my "fix" in public places. And I was constantly on gay websites and watching gay porn.
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Firstly - "unfaithfull". I disagree with you on this.
Being unfaithfull is making a concious choice to go outside of your marriage.
Ask yourself this - "How hard was it to resist acting out ?"
If you're anything like me, and I suspect all the others who have acted out sexually outside of our marriage or partnership, then the answer is going to be "Impossible"
And I'm not giving out a "Get out of jail free" card here either, I'm not making excuses.
But my experience is one of being driven to act out by a dysfunctional way of thinking that at the time I had no control over.
I have often described it as "the abusers took me by the hand and led me into the toilets looking for sex" - that's how it felt to me.

It's the same with porn, and I still use porn to this day. Again, it was gay porn and I used every opportunity to go online and look at it. These days it's a lot less often and more often it's straight porn.
Do I worry about my use of porn? not really, because that is also a result of my abuse, and there is also an element of 'being a guy' and liking porn. So I've got rid of the guilt and shame surrounding porn, I don't bother about it anymore. If I use porn, then so what?

But - a BIG BUT - the porn was a factor that led me act out, so it does have a significance in the scheme of things when you go searching for cause = effect in therapy. Just try to place the right amount of importance on it though, I doubt that it's the most important thing to try and stop at the moment.

Deep down inside me I hate the person that I am and I hate the person who has done this to me.
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You've got that half right, don't hate yourself. Feel proud of what you've done so far, it's a brave and honest man that makes a decision to seek help.

I need to save myself, our marriage and our family. I need to win the trust, love and understanding back from my wife as I have shattered this into millions of peaces.
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Yes, you've got that bit ALL right.
It's not going to easy, everyone here has looked for the magic cure and failed miserably.
The 'cure' is within you, it's the man you were always meant to be that's locked away as the 7 year old boy.
Go and find him, he needs a strong man to go rescuse him.

Take care
Dave
 
Jaco,

I applaud you and your wife for working on this together, for reaching out and seeking help together. Together. Together. Together. My abuser, like so many others, cut me off from community, from my parents and friends. He thrust me into solitude, aloneness as both a weapon to keep me quiet and scared and as a means of pleasuring himself. I reject his sentence of solitude. And I applaud you for working through this excruciating time with your therapist and with your family. Keep allowing others to help you with the burden. It is remarkable how people react when we ask them for their love and support. I am here for you also. What is wonderful about gaining freedom from the abuse is realizing that we are no longer just "I", alone, acting solo without support, without help. Together in love we are strong and can conquer all.

Peace and strength.

Josh
 
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