Help!

[des6263]

To make a long story short, kind of, I was abused by my older brother when I was 10 or 11. He is 3 1/2 yrs older (still considered abuse, right?) anyway it recently came to light that one of our great-nieces spent the night at his house with him and his new wife. The niece ended up in bed with him. According to the new wife for about an hour and a half before she came to bed. I don't know that anything abusive went on. No one knew about the abuse when I was young until recently when I told my wife of 18 yrs. The news of my niece ending up in bed with my brother was very disturbing, with my blessing my wife mailed an annomous letter to the girls mother wanring her that it was not a good idea to l eave children alone with this man. No details about past abuse was mentioned. After sharing this with my therapist he feels I should get the authorities involved. I am not comfortable with this not having any proof of current abuses. What are any of your guys feeling on this?

 

[reality2k4]

Firstly welcome, and it is good that your wife alerted the mother.
The issue of telling the authorities, is up to you, and it can be a mishmash if you do.

At least you will bring authorities to be aware of his feelings towards children.
I would have strong feelings to do it for other kids sake.

Perps who do it in childhood, will probably carry on through adult life,

ste

 

[roadrunner]

Des,

Welcome to the site, and I hope it will prove useful to you. No need to be in a hurry - there is a lot here to read and consider. As you get used to the place, just take your time and try to stay within boundaries that are comfortable for you.

I'm not sure your T advised you so well on this one. For one thing, the abuse you suffered was over 30 years ago; the T ought to know that this would be well past the statute of limitations in most states. He also ought to know that the police cannot act on the basis of a letter referring to what MIGHT be happening. I'm not saying you should remain silent, but the T should be concerned for your welfare and should be advising you of the possibilities for you to get hurt in all this.

If you want to explore legal possibilities, you can speak to a police representative and find out exactly what they can do with the evidence you can provide, and what sort of trauma you would be exposed to if the case goes to court. Your brother will of course deny everything, and his lawyer will do everything possible to make you look bad.

In the face of all this, I hope you will consider exactly what you will gain from facing all this stress. That is, exactly how will confrontation promote your recovery.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Ivanhoe]

Its really not advisable to be in bed with ones own kids unless they want or need to feel close because of some traumatic experience like death or illness in the family. And then, there is always the thunder storm where kids may need to feel close and safe. But on a normal, regular basis it is most appropriate that kids remain in their own beds. It has just as much to do with learning independence and confidence as it does in setting boundaries and demonstrating responsible behavior.
If a niece wanted or needed to feel close and secure, I would think that crawling in beside her aunt for those few minutes would be more appropriate than lying beside her uncle.
I dont know how you found out about the hour and half with your brotherbefore his wife came to bed, but you are right, someone ought to be informed. I would think that starting with her parents might be the best way to handle it. But you said Grand Niece; your brother may be the childs grandfather, right?
If you were to check with the police, you may find that they would have a brochure or two that may speak specifically to the number one place that kids are abusedin the home.
Without mentioning what happened to you, if you dont need or want to, you could begin a discussion, or at least leave one or two of these brochures around so that your brother sees them. If you have direct information that this kind of thing could be a regular routine, you might have to become more direct.
I had to report an abusive family because the Pastor was reluctant to do so and the police handled it with sensitivity. You might ask the police what the next step would be if the brochures do not change anyones mind about sleepovers.
Good for you and your concern. You may prevent abuse from happening and you could break the cycle of what happened to you.

Courage and strength,

David

 

[Leosha]

Welcome to here, and I am sorry for what history bring you here, as well as the current situation.

I do not know the legal issues in American society, but I was under the impression that if a child reported themself being abused to a therapist, they must immediately involve police. However, I do not know if word of mouth and past history, with no current proof, is enough to involve the law?

I would think it to be quite necessary for the child's mother to speak with the child, and see if she can sense the need of whether this need to be investigated further or not.

Of course, I think it is always best, if error is to be made, for it to be made in the safety of the child. I hope whatever is done of the situation, the child was not harmed at all.

Leosha