I agree with you completely John. Logically, I see, and have seen why it makes perfect sense to see a therapist. I just can't make myself do it. And I feel like such an idiot because I've already overcome so much in my life, but I can't make myself do this one thing. I also feel stupid for moving back home. I just graduated college, and I moved back home while I apply to medical school. Problem is, my father also lives at home. My father is the root of my problems, as he sexually abused me from early childhood until the onset of adolesence. I had been living at home my whole life before college, but now that I am older, the abuse just kills me. I get so sad, depressed, angry, anxious--a whole range of emotions--when I think about it now. It never used to be like that. And I feel like such a retard for moving back home, like my current suffering is all my fault. I know very well that the abuse wasn't my fault, but I almost feel as though i'm pouring salt in my own wound. I recently bought a jornal to try to write some of my feelings in, but I am so scared of my own emotions that I found myself being extremely guarded with even myself. To add to the confusion, I feel super-protective of my father, even though he was never protective of me. But, I also know that he poses as a teenage girl in chat rooms and tries to collect pictures (u know what kind) of underage girls and possibly boys too. I feel ashamed of myself that my father is such a sicko. Add to that, I have heard that he was sexually abused by his father. So now I live with the fear that I will turn out like him. I know that the statistics show that most people who are abused do not go on to be abusers themselves, but whenever it comes to this topic my logic is suspended and my thoughts are totally irrational. I feel so torn in so many directions, that I just tend to shut down or numb out. In college, it was with alcohol and marijuana. Every day. Since I've been home i've been relatively isolated and sober. And bored, compared to my hectic college life. Boredom is my worst enemy, because it gives me a chance to think about these terrible things inside my head. I feel like I lured myself into a trap by going back home, and now I can't get out. I don't know how I would explain it if I left, or where I would go. I feel like a helpless child sometimes, even though I know for a fact that I am a very intelligent, self-sufficient person. Once again, logic betrays me. I just wish there were a magic switch i could flip to make it all go away, or to make it all over. Because I know for a fact that life isn't worth it if I have to keep living like this. Sorry this post was so long, but it feels good to let some of this out of my system.
