Help with Hyper Sexuality

Help with Hyper Sexuality

ganapati

Registrant
Still new to this forum and keen to hear of folk have got ideas or tips around hyper sexuality?

My story includes two periods of abuse by females and one by a male and it has left me disempowered when sexual chemistry is in the air. Basically if I feel there’s some interest I feel I should make myself available for that persons pleasure as this is what happened in the abuse. I also get very upset and angry if there is no sexual gratification for me as again the promise of this was always part of the abuse and often not met.

On top of this I have high sex drive that, apart from first proper girlfriend, I’ve never had met. So I often feel unsatisfied and long for sexual connection.

I’ve just started seeing someone new and it’s all reared it’s head again. I can’t tell if it’s a problem I need to fix or a part of me I need to accept.
 
Hi Ganapti

Welcome to MS I am sorry for what bro gs you but so glad you found us. Great question here that many of us have and are going through. I was wondering if you have a therapist (T)? Someone like that might be better to guide you as sooo much here depends on the partners sex drive, your own, promiscuity, etc and is SO mucked up by our pasts.
 
I also get very upset and angry if there is no sexual gratification for me as again the promise of this was always part of the abuse and often not met.
I can entirely relate to this part. I got to the point of telling my partner that I needed sexual release from her every week or I would emotionally lose it, which, as you can imagine, she took as a type of emotional and sexual blackmail and was extremely destructive to our relationship.

I'd echo Mani's recommendation of therapy. This is something I think that is hardly overcomeable without a close ally.
 
Hi ganapati.

New guy here to. After working with a trauma informed, Addiction therapist. I've come to learn my hypersexuality is full blown sex Addiction.

Turns out being sexually assulted at a young age causes something in my brain to make sex the ultimate drug for me. I should also say I identify as a addict in general. But my Addiction to sex, love, lust and fantasy have been hard to quit that alcohol or drugs.

I will echo what everyone else says. And say to see a therapist. Specifically a trauma informed Addiction therapist if possible.
 
Addiction is invariably rooted in trauma and for survivors of sexual trauma, the tendency toward hypersexuality is strong. I know that the behaviors I've indulged in over much of my life were rooted in specific aspects of the trauma. Talking with an addiction therapist MAY be useful, but only if that work is trauma informed. This is never about controlling behavior since that simply won't work. What we need to do is view our acting out behavior in context and to do that we have to look squarely at the trauma we experienced. Stepping out of the shame and terror will eventually lead to our not needing to run away from ourselves, from this moment. Food, sex, porn, gambling, drugs, alcohol are all used to get away from ourselves, from the pain we carry that is grounded in trauma. We won't need to run away any longer when we've made friends with ourselves. And this, of course, is what we're doing here. So be gentle with yourself. Stop worrying about when you're going to get off and ponder what that need is all about. Yes, we're animals and have sexual needs but more important than that is we have intimacy needs beyond getting off. That is where the work is. All the best to you on your healing journey my friend.
 
Hi Ganapti

Welcome to MS I am sorry for what bro gs you but so glad you found us. Great question here that many of us have and are going through. I was wondering if you have a therapist (T)? Someone like that might be better to guide you as sooo much here depends on the partners sex drive, your own, promiscuity, etc and is SO mucked up by our pasts.

Thank you, I did a few sessions with a therapist earlier this year and it’s clear more is the next step. He was good - especially on some of the challenges of my mum dying at 8 and the role I took on to emotionally support my sisters when my dad couldn’t. I feel I need someone new though and am looking and asking for recommendations so thanks for the encouragement, really appreciate it.
 
I can entirely relate to this part. I got to the point of telling my partner that I needed sexual release from her every week or I would emotionally lose it, which, as you can imagine, she took as a type of emotional and sexual blackmail and was extremely destructive to our relationship.

I'd echo Mani's recommendation of therapy. This is something I think that is hardly overcomeable without a close ally.

Thanks, have done similar myself! And yep I feel therapy is next.
 
Addiction is invariably rooted in trauma and for survivors of sexual trauma, the tendency toward hypersexuality is strong. I know that the behaviors I've indulged in over much of my life were rooted in specific aspects of the trauma. Talking with an addiction therapist MAY be useful, but only if that work is trauma informed. This is never about controlling behavior since that simply won't work. What we need to do is view our acting out behavior in context and to do that we have to look squarely at the trauma we experienced. Stepping out of the shame and terror will eventually lead to our not needing to run away from ourselves, from this moment. Food, sex, porn, gambling, drugs, alcohol are all used to get away from ourselves, from the pain we carry that is grounded in trauma. We won't need to run away any longer when we've made friends with ourselves. And this, of course, is what we're doing here. So be gentle with yourself. Stop worrying about when you're going to get off and ponder what that need is all about. Yes, we're animals and have sexual needs but more important than that is we have intimacy needs beyond getting off. That is where the work is. All the best to you on your healing journey my friend.

Thanks, lots popped off the screen for me. Stepping out of shaming and terror feels wonderful and making friends with ourselves and asking what the need is feels great. Really appreciate it
 
I have a high libido with a wife who feels she has no obligation at all to meet it at any point. We had a marriage counselor who just said this is the way it is, that men are always wanting sex. I know this is bullshit and I knew she was full of it after she said it wasn’t unusual we went a year sometimes without sex.

it’s these kind of things that lead to the issues I’ve had in the past coming forward. I can never fully trust women so being relaxed enough to actually fully enjoy and for me to finish is beyond a rarity. It doesn’t help my wife puts no effort at all when we do have sex.

sex is a key part of a relationship and maybe the key part. If you and you’re partner are both ha big a very satisfactory sex life and you’re both happy with it I can guarantee everything else is probably close to working. Usually the partner who is on the low end of the libido holds all the cards and knows this.

with women this is an absolute unfair circumstance because deny a woman sex and you’re likely to get a plate upside your head. As a guy you call it a normal Saturday.
 
I have a high libido with a wife who feels she has no obligation at all to meet it at any point. We had a marriage counselor who just said this is the way it is, that men are always wanting sex. I know this is bullshit and I knew she was full of it after she said it wasn’t unusual we went a year sometimes without sex.

it’s these kind of things that lead to the issues I’ve had in the past coming forward. I can never fully trust women so being relaxed enough to actually fully enjoy and for me to finish is beyond a rarity. It doesn’t help my wife puts no effort at all when we do have sex.

sex is a key part of a relationship and maybe the key part. If you and you’re partner are both ha big a very satisfactory sex life and you’re both happy with it I can guarantee everything else is probably close to working. Usually the partner who is on the low end of the libido holds all the cards and knows this.

with women this is an absolute unfair circumstance because deny a woman sex and you’re likely to get a plate upside your head. As a guy you call it a normal Saturday.

Thanks, it feels good to know I’m not alone in this - I’ve had plenty of those Saturday nights! I’m determined to get beyond this all being a problem - usually coming down to ‘is it mine or hers’ - and into something else.

I know my first proper girlfriend and I were very well matched in sex drive so it feels possible.
 
Turns out being sexually assulted at a young age causes something in my brain to make sex the ultimate drug for me. I should also say I identify as a addict in general. But my Addiction to sex, love, lust and fantasy have been hard to quit...

This so resonated with me. I thought that I had a sexual addiction, but it did not rise to the level of addiction, thus I concluded hyper sexuality.
 
My T has told me I used sex, masturbation in particular as a cooping mechanism that started as a child Due to events. Sexual things is what i have “escaped” to when stressed or on edge i wish I had not but it could have been drugs as she pointed out. She feel i need to not criticize myself so much over it which is why she say it is a copping skill to make it seem less negative. It is strange to me that the ting that messed me up is yet what i turn to. One of my biggest fears is if others who know me knew this. It that shame and guilt about myself.
 
My T has told me I used sex, masturbation in particular as a cooping mechanism that started as a child Due to events. Sexual things is what i have “escaped” to when stressed or on edge i wish I had not but it could have been drugs as she pointed out.


Dopamine is the most powerful drug that I have ever experienced. It kind'a makes sense...
 
Top