help us please

help us please
T

tiffany

Registrant
my boyfriend of two years just disclosed to me that he had been abused by a female babysitter and her grandmother. all these memories have just been flooding back in a torrent over the last few days and he is finding it overwhelming. he is on a constant roller coaster of feeling bad then good then bad again. he is lost in where to start to begin the healing process. he is confused about feelings he had while it happened. we dont know where to start. he is wanting to start counselling, but we don't know who to trust to goto. (too many horror stories, i guess, of not-so-good ones.) what should we look for in a therapist? where can we go on-line to get info? is there someone out there that can guide us? thank you and my prayers are with all of you brave men. i pray for your peace.
 
I don't have many answers for you as I am new to this but I just wanted to say you are on the right track by posting here. You are not alone.
Wishing you strenth for the days ahead.
 
tiffany, i know alot about this. around the end of last month, i started having alot of flashbacks. they were really clear, and constant. my perps were females too, so i took it really hard. for him to find help around him, depending on where you live, may be difficult. i have had very bad experiences in group therapy, so i'm not really going to suggest that. a therapist who has dealt with child abuse, especially someone with mostly male clients, would be the best choice. and to be on the safe side, i'd go with a male therapist.

i don't know if your boyfriend has had problems yet, but as he starts to get more memories back, he may push you away. i want you to know that it isn't personal. i don't know the extent of his abuse, but if it was violent, or even uncomfortable, which it probably was, he may not want to be close with you. i did that, and i can only say from my own experiences that i am having a very hard time dealing with it.

i hope that he finds the help that he needs. and i hope that you can be patient with him. he has a long road infront of him. good luck, and try to understand what he's going thru.

jake
 
thanks jake...

he doesn't think he can tell another man about this and wants to goto a female therapist. already he knows group therapy is not a think for him.

he is very overwhelmed at this point by all the unexpected emotions and the physical exhaustion. he hasn't had any nightmares yet, but knowing him and the way he works, i am sure that they are going to come. have you had them? how did you deal with them? is there anyway he can encourage the foggy memories out?

thanks for your support and peace to you.

tiffany.
 
Dear Tiffany and Jake,
Regarding your last post concerning nightmares and fuzzy memories. This is a VERY delicate area and Tiffany's boyfriend will have to be allowed to deal with the memories at his own pace. If encouraged to remember too fast anyone who has endured this problem could very well become so overwhelmed that suicide might look like the only escape. Please watch him closely, try not to push him to remember. I strongly recommend that he able to set his own pace. I have been there. I was diagnosed Post Traumatic in 1996. I had the memories hit me so hard and so fast that I attempted suicide several times. I did not want to live. I hated myself, blamed myself and was completely convinced that I was at fault for the abuse. ( I believed my abusers)
In my case i finally sought private proffecional help and Thank God i was lucky enough to find a very good therapist in The southern tier of New York. I knew that if i did not try to pull myself out of the pit I was dead.
I kept a diary next to my bed and wronte everything down that i could remember from my dreams. I slept very very little maybe 1 or 2 hours a night and was absolutely exhausted. I even fell asleep standing up later that year. He can welcome his dreams and so can you Jake. Anyone experiencing this trouble must in my opinion be sure to keep themselves safe. Tiffany whether or not you know it to your boyfriend you are his safety net. It took me 2 years just to be able to sleep for 1/2 a nights rest. I was truely mentally and physically burned to a crisp. The dreams should be addressed with a good therapist and his safety net (you Tiffany). Everyone is different and there is no exact way to deal with PTSD, your boyfriend will be able to deal with all of this in time. It may take years, It has taken me 4 years now to deal with the violence of the abuse I endured and I still see my therapist weekly.
He has to encourage the foggy memories to become clear on his own. I know that early on in my recovery if I had remembered everything of the abuse I certainly would not be alive today.
Just my personal 2 cents, I hope you don't mind me butting in.
Just as Jake said -- if i can help let me know.
Praying for all of us !
Shawn
 
thank you so much for both your posts shawn. you are right about trying to remember too much too fast. over the weekend he has tried to remember lots and was so overwhelmed that he couldn't cope. i was finally able to get him to calm down after a couple of days and today he seems a little better. i forwarded your post to him. what are some good ideas for techniques for relaxation and for "getting away from it" for a while??
I ask him quite often if he is suicidal, and he says he is thinking of it but not strongly yet. i have been suicidal often and i know that i need to ask him often to give him an opportunity to tell me.

thank you for calling me his safety net. it validates my role in this. i am glad i can be of some value to him.

thanks again for both posts....

tiffany.
 
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