Help - sad tonight

[FormerTexan]

I was going through some old pictures and came across one of myself at about 12 years old. I was making a conscious decison to live that kid in spite of the things I didn't like about myself at the time, and I just bust out bawling. I want so bad to love that kid, just so I can get moving forward with things. It is so hard, since I didn't consider myself loveable at the time. I was just not well-kept. Any occurence of grooming at the time was totally by accident. This was one of those things that kept me from fitting in socially. Even among those who genuinely love me, fitting in and feeling accepted seems impossible.

Just venting I guess.

 

[FLRich]

Former Texan,

Grooming is such a shallow measure or reason for fitting in or not fitting in. You are a decent guy. I learned a long time ago that people's outward appearances do not even give an acccurate clue as what they are really like on the inside. I grew up on an island and some of my best friends were poor, unkept souls. They were picked on in school because they were poor and didn't wear nice clothes and were considered ugly. These kids were and are still my best friends.

One of these guys had a speech impediment, so he really was picked on. Fortunately one of our teachers spent time with him and encouraged him through school. He is now the president of a major multi million dollar construction group. Imagine that, poor, ugly guy with that can't talk plain!

The boss on my first job was a young, handsome, preppy type guy. Drove a nice a car, impeccably dressed, very popular. He liked me and wanted to be my friend. I bought into this slick dude line, hook, and sinker. He ended up raping me a few months later. I learned the hard way to trust my instincts, not outward appearances.

You seem to be a good guy. Like your 12 year old self for what he was, not what he looked like. Recognize the ones who picked on you or didn't like you because of the way you kept yourself up, for the shallow ignorant, egotistical beings that they are. I assure you their life will always be shallow unless they change. At some point, they will age and become ugly. They may even lose their money, but it won't matter...money has never bought happiness, just things and superficial friends.

One of the things about this site I like is that you get to meet each other and have no idea what anyone looks like. You develop friendships on merit, not looks. I don't know if I'm talking to a George Clooney or a Woddy Allen. Don't care, either!

YOU have substance. YOU are worth whole lot more than I think you realize, and it has nothing to do with grooming. Love your 12 year old self. Only God and you know exactly what you were living through then.

Take care Tex, and if you ever want, send me a PM. I always respond.

 

[Curtis St. John]

Hey Former,

One of the things that was a tremendous help for me was writing a letter to myself while at the Level I retreat in Paris, Ontario.

We had a choice to write a letter from the little boy to the big us, or the big us to our little boy but the key if you are writing from your little guy perspective is to use your non-dominant hand to do the writing, so it gives your letter a more child-like quality. They collected the letters and sent them to us a couple of months later, and I would suggest you send it to yourself as well, it was very, very powerful.

It worked so well for me that I went out to Staples and bought a handwriting book for third graders and a daily journal for grown-ups and wrote letters back and forth between the big and little me. I know it sounds a little weird and it looks like I was splitting personalities but actually the opposite was true, and as a result I got to know my little me and reincorporated a bit of child like perspective in my personality. I did this for a week or two and by the end of the second week I didn't feel the need to do this anymore, it sort of phased itself out.

A lot of emotions opened up for me but it was a great release.

Give it a whirl, its a real eye opener.

Take care,

 

[unknownsoldier]

Formerly,

I know what you mean about having a hard tme liking who you were then. I have a hard time with that too, how passive I was and awkward around other kids. I am trying to remember how hard it was back then, not having any power, and abuse going on, schoolwork, etc. I also try to remember that if I coudn't make friends, part of it was that no one treated me like I mattered, or that I was worth much besides what they wanted to use me for. I wasn't learning that I was likable from the closest relationships--its really hard when your family relationships are something you have to overcome in order to make friends, instead of having the family be a support.

I don't know hwat your story is, but I bet that that fact that you weren't taking care of yourself was a reaction to having been tought that you weren't worth it. Not because there was something wrong with you. I don't know, if I'm totally off sorry.

 

[JLHOPE]

Former,

I have recently looked threw old pictures myself and was overwhelemd by how lost and confused that little boy felt. My familys way of dealing with things was to always make everything look perfect on the outside. I bought into this for years, its total bulls**t. I hade what looked to be the perfect life, married, house, kid, dog and a good job. Knowone hade any idea how tortured I was internally. Then after the death of my son and the loss of my marriage I was forced to therapy, after years of work I to am here. I dont know if that helps, I'm new at this. I guesse what I'm trying to say is looks can be very deciving.

Take care

 

[FormerTexan]

Well, typos sure don't help. My post should say "love that kid" not "live that kid." I hate that.

FLRich,
I agree about that seeming rather shallow, though it was sure a contributor to my lack of social contact. I guess I should be more detailed about it. It wasn't just the lack of grooming or color coordination of clothing (I clashed frequently), but also my lack of social skills or anything contributable to decent relationships that made me feel so badly about that age. I remember little if anything redeemable about that time period. There was sexual and emotional abuse, neglect, in one case abandonment by dad. I couldn't escape home life to go to school, because I wished I could escape school life to go home. So many things pointed at me like neons signs that said "Not Loveable" on them. I feel like I'm leaving something out. I guess I just got overwhelmed a couple nights ago.

Thank you all for the replies.

 

[Leosha]

I can understand some of what you are saying. I see some old pictures of myself sometime, and I see the differences. Losing the smile, looking serious, except when I was in practice or training, and those smiles were usually fake. Still working on the 'loving that child', and not blaming him, but I think it is worth the work. I wish you good luck.

leosha