Help please - HEAVY guilt today

Help please - HEAVY guilt today
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
I am just remembering times through the yrs - BEFORE I KNEW HE HAD BEEN ABUSED - when my husband and I would argue and fight and when I would tell him I don't know what he wants from me, he would say, "Be nice to me!" Or when he would be really mean and angry and I'd ask why he's soooo mad, what does he expect in return for that, and he would say, "Hug me!"

How blind I was!!!! Here was this hurting, abused person and I didn't have a clue he had been abused and so I didn't even give the kindness he deserved and asked for so clearly!!!! I just feel bad for all the times we fought when I was not very nice either. Honestly I thought he was just being a jerk or feeling sorry for himself. But that was because I didn't know he had been abused - or I would have never been so "mean" myself.

Just feeling really sad for this, regretful, disgusted with myself.....for I am truly a very kind, gentle person and would NEVER hurt an abused animal OR person. This rips my heart out because I want to go back and re-do it all and I can't.

And now maybe that is why he is so far down the road of not caring anymore....the other night he said, "I'm losing everything, I don't care about anything, I don't know what I should do."

It's almost like a suicidal person's mindset - HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM CARE ABOUT ANYTHING??? How do you help them see that they have someone who cares for them?

Yes, he's cheated on me. Yes, he's hurt me deeply. But I've been cruel to an abused person for YEARS because, although unknowingly, he did not have the same emotional maturity as a man to handle the arguments/fights. I wish I had known this then and I wouldn't have treated him the same as I would a normal man who didn't already have so much hurt in him, because an abused person feels hurt more deeply.
 
Dear Brokenhearted:
I understand how this all weighs heavy on you. There isn't much any of us can do about the yesterday's in life. We can however, learn from them and use the experiences for future understanding.
There probably is not much you can do to make your husband care about anything. Many of us have had the experience of watching those that we love set out to self destruct. There are no words, there is really nothing you can do to nudge him into healing or getting the help he so desperately needs. It's all pretty much up to the individual.
I hear the frustration in your words. I also believe that you are a good person and I'm sure your husband realizes this as well.
Something that I've come to understand during the past week is that even if you remove all of the csa issues; the way men think and interact with us is on a different level. They relate different because they have a different makeup within them. Now, add the csa issues to that and bang! I know I'm left wondering "huh? I don't understand..." quite a bit.
Best wishes to you Brokenhearted. This is not an easy road but take some comfort in the fact that you are not traveling it alone.
s-n-s
 
Hi BH,

Been there, suffered that guilt, felt terrible, regretted negative unsympathetic behaviour etc etc etc etc.......I could go on......

Firstly, there is NO WAY you could possibly have come from the standpoint you're at now. No way at all. I'm presuming that, just like my bf, your husband was probably fairly good at concealing any vulnerability he may have had. He probably gave you the impression of being a strong as a rock most of the time, and so even any so called 'weaknesses' he did show, you could have read as being he was a jerk. I seriously used to think my bf was just winding me up sometimes. A lot of the time, he would be very good at giving me the cold shoulder, putting up a very 'controlled' and 'controlling' front, never showed his true feelings etc. Also this is the pressure men are put under in our culture, and so men and women alike do unfortunately have expectations/presumtions/judgments about what men should be like and are. You must NOT blame yourself for any of this. From my own perspective, I now realise there have been many vulnerabilities, feelings and lack of honesty on my part about loads of things which I've not clearly been able to express to my bf, but I would be being totally unreasonable to hold HIM accountable for any of his behaviour/communication as a result of that. It is everyone's own personal responsiblity to communicate their feelings in an honest and productive way. That is without threats, ultimatums or aggression. And most of us are guilty of falling short in so many ways in the productive communication department and it's NOT OUR FAULT either. So many of us were not educated properly in this area. It IS our responsiblity to learn and improve in these areas, and it SO sounds like that's exactly where you are at.

Remember, your husband did not share with you a fundamental part of his past, and when he did, it was not in a way which truly conveyed to you the emotional impact. I know he would never have been, and probably still isn't in a place where he could have seen the impact that way himself, so I don't mean that in a way which suggests he was intentionally like that. Just that from your own perspective, you could NOT have dealt with this relationship in any other way than how you have.

LET GUILT GO. You are not an abuser. The guilt in all this needs to placed exactly where it belongs: WITH THE PERPETRATORS.

You are a GOOD person, who loves her husband and has been always willing to stand by him and that is worth EVERYTHING.


Be kind to yourself

peace
Beccy
 
Thanks for the replies.... Beccy, did you ever apologize to bf for your unsympathetic behavior in the past from before you knew he was abused, and did he appear to forgive you ? Not that it could really change anything....I just want to feel better....about ever appearing more than cold to him because I didn't know...

I had a small panic attack in a store this morning. Just feel so helpless/vulnerable.
 
BH --
I'm so sorry you feel so terrible about this. God! I wish I could hear those kind of words from my soon to be ex!!! BUT, unlike you (and I've said this before) she does care to learn why I did what I did.

Comparing your responses to hers, tells me that YOU are a good person. BUT, you can't go back. You didn't know then what you do now. All you can do is tell him you're sorry...and hug him. It's obvious you're trying to work on this and that shows that you're now trying to be nice.

HOWEVER, the most important thing you can do is not let this weigh on you. Remember to take care of YOURSELF...forgive yourself if you feel you need to. You can't change him. You can only love him and change what you can about you...which you've done...and just so you know...YOU'RE AMAZING!!! Hopefully, your changes can effect a change in him. That's all anyone can ask for.

Be good to yourself! God Bless YOU!!
tx_space
 
I think right after I figured everything out about all the implications of the sa with his sister, i was hugely appologetic about all sorts of things. Funny enough, I can't remember if he forgave me..........

However, some of instincts tell me that he has not forgiven me about all kinds of things.

Sorry to hear you had a panick attack. That's horrible for you. My sister used to have terrible panick attacks and is still prone to them now I think.....

I hope you and your husband can share some more love soon, as I'm sure that would probably help you enormously.

again, try to be kind to yourself,

peace
Beccy
 
TX Space,

Thanks for saying I'm a good person. I hope he will see that one day. I just corresponded with a good friend, a lady, who was in a very similar place as my husband once....she didn't know what was wrong, went to counseling 1 yr, still they never found out, but they think she had some sort of abuse she is repressing that hasn't come to light yet. But anyway , all this to say, in her email today she said that her "crawling into her shell" lasted 6 years and that when she finally came out, her husband (strong Christian) was there waiting for her. It didn't happen overnight, it took 6 years, but he prayed every day and stood waiting for her. and that is what I want to do for my husband. I don't know if he will keep me, if he will push me away hard enough for me to have to leave, but all I can do now is just be gentle, patient, kind to him, and if he gets mad and throws that (my love) in my face I will have to endure it and keep on standing.

I am so sorry you are having marital difficulties with your wife, and maybe this is not the end, maybe in a few yrs you will find your way back to each other....if not, there will be someone that will see your true worth and will fight to keep you.

Thank you for your edifying words again. It really helps to hear it from a *survivor*.
 
BH,

I understand these feelings. I really do. I worry though with the amount of abuse you put up with and the full responsibility you take for his behavior.

His being abused is not a free pass to abuse you and that s something which I think you have not drawn a boundary about.

I too think about things I could have "done better" but I am a human being. Where was his understanding for me? Where was his goodwill and attribution of POSITIVE motives for ME?

You could have done everything "perfectly" and he still would have asked for something else and he would have found fault with it and would have suspected it and he still would have behaved the way he did- cheating, ignoring, etc.

You did not provoke or cause his behavior. he CHOSE it. His ssues and the fact that he won't get help are the cause of his behavior and thinking and feelings. NOT YOU.

I went through this too, I know where you are coming from, but dear, nothing you could have done would have changed anything. Only his getting help can.

I was a big hand stroker and "what's the matter" "I love you" and all the rest, everything he asked for. FUrniture still went flying and I was a "&Y/(/%&&/)(=(=)/(/% when he would have - the wind would blow wrong.

BH. I know you are trying to keep your family together, but blaming yourself for his abuse and unwillingness to get himself out of his misery is going to hurt your child.

It is not your fault. Use what you know now to be strong for yourself, your daughter and him. Know your limitations and allow him to be responsible for what is his so that he can get better.

Bunny
 
Thanks, Bunny. I realized tonight that a lot of it is probably his depression too - him thinking that there's nothing wrong with him or at least not enough wrong that he should seek help. His discouragement and negativity are depressing to live with. I love him but maybe he'll never see that, and depression only distorts things more for him. I think you're right, I need to show my strength, I will be kind and compassionate but not walked all over. I will stand up for myself. I certainly do not want any of this to harm my child. She is all I have in a way right now, and she is the most innocent bystander. I just don't know if he'll ever seek help, being a man, not trusting anyone, having shame, and being depressed and negative anyway. I'm also praying that something will come along that will absolutely break him, if necessary, so he will finally get some sense knocked in him to seek help.

:-(
 
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