Ladyinwaiting,
Your guy has been going through hell in getting all this on the table. It has probably been bottled up for a long time, now here it is. My guess is he cares for you enormously and just can't bear continuing the relationship without being honest with you. That's of course a very good thing.
But releasing everything like this is enormously traumatic and emotional. Old feelings from when you were a boy can come surging back, and present fears and frustrations can be just overwhelming. For example, he may feel that the abuse was his fault (that's very common). He may fear that since he could not maintain a proper relationship with his mother, that somehow means things will go wrong with you. He may feel ashamed, worthless, inadequate; certainly he is very upset and confused.
All this is a normal reaction to releasing all this crap. It just eats us up, and sometimes when it comes out it's practically explosive. Your man probably didn't have much of an idea of exactly what he wanted or needed when he told you over those three weeks. But being sexually abused is just about the worst thing that can happen to a boy and he has a lot to cry about, believe me.
It's very important that you understand that you did NOTHING wrong in the way you responded and tried to "fix it". I think that's a natural and very compassionate reaction, and being unfamiliar with the issues what else were you to do? But what he needed was just to be heard, BELIEVED, held and allowed to cry. Abusers are experts at making boys shut up and convincing them that they won't be believed if they tell. What he needed to hear was probably nothing more than assurances that you hear him and believe him and you still love him - that's it. Suggestions for a fix ring totally hollow when you are in an emotional storm like this one.
But don't beat on yourself over how this has worked out so far. I noticed this in particular:
I feel like the biggest failure and the biggest fool...I didn't help. Somehow I ran him away...
None of this is true. You are not a failure. He left because he was so traumatized he had to find a safe place to go to think and regain his composure. By "safe" I mean somewhere not at all connected with his problems; it was nothing against you personally and I doubt very much that it was a reaction to anything you said.
It is a natural response for a caring partner to try to "fix" things, and here again you have done nothing wrong. Like I said, what were you to do? But proposing "fixes" is problematic, and not just because it's not your problem to fix (though that is true enough, and important). I have the same difficulty with my wife and we have been married close to 25 years. I talk and she immediately starts making suggestions about how I could do this or try that - Mrs. "Fix it". But sometimes I just need to get something out of my system; I just want to be heard and be assured that she still cares for me despite everything that happened when I was a boy and despite the problems I still have today. I'm in tears and trying to choke out the words, and there is no way I am in any condition to discuss a solution. I KNOW she means well and just wants to help. But I feel like I am not being heard or understood, and somehow I feel robbed: it's like the conversation isn't about MY pain anymore, it's about HER solution. This is something that gets resolved by talking about it.
I know this is rough, but I can already see some very good signs in what you say. First, he told you: that means there is a lot of trust that you can build on. As Zipser noticed already, he feels safe with you. Second, he has come back to assure you that he loves you. Finally, he wants your help:
He told me he felt like I just wanted to fix it, that he didn't feel ok being who he was around me anymore, that he isn't feeling good about himself, that he is lost somewhere, but I know where he is and would I please come and find him.
Ask the guys here how familiar that sounds; that's a survivor seething with emotion and asking someone very important to him for help. That's a real act of courage and devotion, and I'll tell you, I cried when I read that part.
Look around the site and you will see an enormous amount going on and being discussed. Like Zipser I would say check out the "Family and Friends" forum; there you will find other people like yourself dealing with similar issues. Your partner may want to consider coming in here as well. This is a very safe place, and he will find a lot of guys who will listen to him and support him.
Take care,
Larry
