help my boyfriend hurts himself

[henrydog]

This is a request for information. My boyfriend of three years has been struggling ever since he was raped at six years old to "get clean". Every day he cleans himself until he bleeds. He says he wants to stop but he feels like he can't just go to the bathroom like other people. I have asked him to get help but he is still resisting therapy. He is afraid that he is the only one that hurts himself so severely. He has terrible hemorrhoids and has had surgery to repair them. However because he continues to clean he still has not healed. The doctors say he will need a second surgery but my boyfriend has decided to wait until he gets control of his compulsion to clean so he will have a better chance of recovery next time. I don't know what to do. I want him to know that he is not alone and that others suffer like him. If anyone knows of a similar case or a book we might read to prove to him that others have suffered similarly and have successfully recovered please let me know. I'm afraid that he won't get help until he has proof that he's not the only one. Please help. He is desperate and so am I.

 

[roadrunner]

Henry,

This one is straight out of the books, so to speak. Many survivors, especially young ones, feel "polluted" by what has happened to them, so they feel the need to clean and wash to get rid of this feeling. But what is affecting them is far more than a physical taint; it's a deep emotional feeling of being a "dirty boy". I remember feeling like such a bad boy because my bed felt so dirty with me in it. And so on.

How easily your bf shifts this feeling will depend on how deeply connected it is with other abuse feelings. One thing that will help him will be to see that others have suffered exactly the same thing. Let him come here, for example, and post and see what reactions he gets. He will definitely see he is not alone.

Another possibility would be to read Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer", where this subject is discussed in detail.

But Henry, I really doubt that if he sorts this problem out he will be "out of the woods". Recovery takes time and effort on many fronts. If he really wants his life back, he needs to be willing to work for it with his T, with you, and with other survivors.

It really doesn't work any other way.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Trish4850]

Henry,

What your b/f is doing is a form of self mutiliation. My b/f is almost 46 years old and sadly, he too self mutiliates. He takes nail clippers to his face and opens wounds that are awful. He knows I know that he does it but we speak of it very infrequently. He told me his therapist brought it up to him 2 weeks ago which was a great relief to me. I'm hoping that it'll be another successful part of therapy.

Henry, as you will see and hear many times on these board, healing from sexual assault is not a do it yourself project. Your b/f probably really needs some therapy to help him, especially since he's hurting himself to the point of needing surgery.

Larry's recommendation of Victims No Longer is a good one; it's helped me tremendously.

You being there for your b/f, trusting him and believing in him is priceless. You're a good man Henry.

ROCK ON......Trish


I'm so sorry your both going through this.

 

[henrydog]

Thanks for the input Larry and Trish. I will let my b/f know about the book. I have encouraged him to check out the website or call for counseling. He just doesn't seem ready to reach out because he hasn't yet followed through with seeking out professional or peer support. It was a big step for him to reveal the truth to me so I suppose it may just take him more time to get used to talking about his trauma with other people. If anyone has more info on self-injury and how to encourage a survivor to get help please keep me posted.

 

[totally lost]

I am new here, so this is my first post. But my husband was abused in a childrens home while young. We dealt with that, just was not a "huge" issue. But it did become an issue we would have to deal with every so often.

He was sexually assaulted in a most horrible way 4 1/2 months ago by his direct boss.

Now he cuts himself. We took all the steps...have done everything. But he still does it. I wish I knew what to say. But from what I know, it is not uncommon. A lot of people who have had trama seem to do it. Although it is very upsetting. I think counseling is all you can do to help aleve some of the stress. But it seems each person has their own timeline in getting through or over things.