Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
I remember as a kid seeing the Wizard of Oz. The part where the witch gets watered and melts away into the ground really stuck with me. Sometimes, when the night is not quite over and I wake up sweating in stress from a hellish abuse dream, I think of that scene as I anxiously wait for dawn to spread itself across the bed.
I feel like that witch sometimes, particularly when caught up in the more powerful moments of my own self hatred. Like her I am slowly melting as the acid of this hatred for self and others pulls all that I am or will be into oblivion.
A while back I finally sought out a diagnosis regarding the variety of presenting symptoms I have struggled with for many years. I received the same exact assessment from two doctors, with the last one providing a solid, thoughtful second opinion. That was a very difficult moment for me as it was all that I expected with some dessert added.
I consider myself to be a strongly functional human being in certain areas. The man I am,(or appear to be), the one that acts caringly, ethically and professionally towards others in the world around me, is respected, occasionally loved, and generally appreciated by most individuals in the places where I work.
Yet I wonder at the great irony that internally I have been gradually melting away a piece at a time as illness wound its way through my life. I had a pretty clear sense as to what the diagnosis would be long before I reached the doctor's office. I work in an area where such assessments are common and worked with daily. Over the years it gradually became clear to me that I was in the process of being overtaken by a wave I would not ride be capable of riding out alone on my own board.
For years I fought tooth and nail against these presenting symptoms using all my learned skills in counselling, lifeskills application, emotional management, strategic intervention etc,etc. Eventually, like a hunted animal, I came to a point of exhaustion and emptiness. My body had no more resources to contribute to the fight and my internal strength finally failed as I crashed into a heap.
Like many I went through a number of cycles of depression that occasionally included thoughts of suicide. Over time, the thought of taking myself out by my own hand became a comfortable exercise to escape to in times of acute stress. This continued ideation on a regular basis quietly led to planning, fixation and action. I have read, researched and studied many things in my life and the fact freak that I am caused me to look into the issue of self destruction with the same zeal.
Over time I developed my own code of going out quietly and properly, like a blood red rose falling to the divine wind and as a Samauri in the way of Bushido I would not miss. There would be no mistakes or calls for help made in the first-take scenario I was constructing for myself. The methodology I developed was competent, quick and it gave me a strange detached calmness that led me very close to the point of final actualization. What I failed to realize is that such a path carefully followed has a power of its own that captivates the walker and before realizing it I was seriously enmeshed within the process.
To make a long story short I secured the means, began getting my affairs in order and moving ever closer to the point of exiting my life. All my plans were almost set and I had not let any real indication of the seriousness of my intention out to anyone. Interestingly I continued to be calm, almost emotionally flat about it, like I was travelling through to the end of a flight on GPS oriented instrumentation. No muss or fuss, just big bubbles without any troubles.
One evening, completely out of the blue, I had a very vivid dream. In the dream, after walking through a dense forest, I was standing on one side of a great river. On the other side I saw a trail leading up into a meadow, mountains and a beautiful sunrise. The other side of the river seemed like heaven to me and it was thrilling beyond words to see such beauty. In the middle of the river was a narrow wooden bridge and I heard a presence saying to me to freely cross and enter into peace. I was disturbed by this dream for a while as it was very powerful, evocative in its symbolic illustration of God's presence and a clear invitation to enter into a place of peace. It could have been and invitation to life or death I suppose, depending on the viewer's perspective. In spite of the dream I remained determined to carry out my plans and it faded from my memory.
Some time after this dream I was in a local store purchasing a part of my plan and I was suddenly engulfed by a wave of anxiety/stress and I remembered the dream. I quickly left the store and walked home and on the way I think the process that helped me to choose to go on living began.
I don't always know what to do at times and being ill with PTSD, GAD and their associated complications is difficult for me. I am very proud about self reliance and it is so hard to let go of my internal shell. In addition, I have spent a significant part of my working life in a helping profession and it has been hard to face the physical reality of my own illness.
I do know I want to keep living and I worry about the place of emptiness I nearly went to and fear to go again. In that place it is very possible to become set on a course of action that the finality of self destruction is forgotten. Now when I am overtaken in my stress or dismay I ask for help, quickly. It is amazing how the help arrives from others. Importantly this oasis is one of those places.
I think we all hurt so much because of what has happened to us in our childhood that it often feels like the pain will never stop. I know that there have been occasions when the nightmare that is my childhood has held me so tightly in its embrace that I have longed for death to take me.
I hope we all get to the place of peace together and it is not necessary for any of us to fall by our own hands.
Sincerely
Ross
I feel like that witch sometimes, particularly when caught up in the more powerful moments of my own self hatred. Like her I am slowly melting as the acid of this hatred for self and others pulls all that I am or will be into oblivion.
A while back I finally sought out a diagnosis regarding the variety of presenting symptoms I have struggled with for many years. I received the same exact assessment from two doctors, with the last one providing a solid, thoughtful second opinion. That was a very difficult moment for me as it was all that I expected with some dessert added.
I consider myself to be a strongly functional human being in certain areas. The man I am,(or appear to be), the one that acts caringly, ethically and professionally towards others in the world around me, is respected, occasionally loved, and generally appreciated by most individuals in the places where I work.
Yet I wonder at the great irony that internally I have been gradually melting away a piece at a time as illness wound its way through my life. I had a pretty clear sense as to what the diagnosis would be long before I reached the doctor's office. I work in an area where such assessments are common and worked with daily. Over the years it gradually became clear to me that I was in the process of being overtaken by a wave I would not ride be capable of riding out alone on my own board.
For years I fought tooth and nail against these presenting symptoms using all my learned skills in counselling, lifeskills application, emotional management, strategic intervention etc,etc. Eventually, like a hunted animal, I came to a point of exhaustion and emptiness. My body had no more resources to contribute to the fight and my internal strength finally failed as I crashed into a heap.
Like many I went through a number of cycles of depression that occasionally included thoughts of suicide. Over time, the thought of taking myself out by my own hand became a comfortable exercise to escape to in times of acute stress. This continued ideation on a regular basis quietly led to planning, fixation and action. I have read, researched and studied many things in my life and the fact freak that I am caused me to look into the issue of self destruction with the same zeal.
Over time I developed my own code of going out quietly and properly, like a blood red rose falling to the divine wind and as a Samauri in the way of Bushido I would not miss. There would be no mistakes or calls for help made in the first-take scenario I was constructing for myself. The methodology I developed was competent, quick and it gave me a strange detached calmness that led me very close to the point of final actualization. What I failed to realize is that such a path carefully followed has a power of its own that captivates the walker and before realizing it I was seriously enmeshed within the process.
To make a long story short I secured the means, began getting my affairs in order and moving ever closer to the point of exiting my life. All my plans were almost set and I had not let any real indication of the seriousness of my intention out to anyone. Interestingly I continued to be calm, almost emotionally flat about it, like I was travelling through to the end of a flight on GPS oriented instrumentation. No muss or fuss, just big bubbles without any troubles.
One evening, completely out of the blue, I had a very vivid dream. In the dream, after walking through a dense forest, I was standing on one side of a great river. On the other side I saw a trail leading up into a meadow, mountains and a beautiful sunrise. The other side of the river seemed like heaven to me and it was thrilling beyond words to see such beauty. In the middle of the river was a narrow wooden bridge and I heard a presence saying to me to freely cross and enter into peace. I was disturbed by this dream for a while as it was very powerful, evocative in its symbolic illustration of God's presence and a clear invitation to enter into a place of peace. It could have been and invitation to life or death I suppose, depending on the viewer's perspective. In spite of the dream I remained determined to carry out my plans and it faded from my memory.
Some time after this dream I was in a local store purchasing a part of my plan and I was suddenly engulfed by a wave of anxiety/stress and I remembered the dream. I quickly left the store and walked home and on the way I think the process that helped me to choose to go on living began.
I don't always know what to do at times and being ill with PTSD, GAD and their associated complications is difficult for me. I am very proud about self reliance and it is so hard to let go of my internal shell. In addition, I have spent a significant part of my working life in a helping profession and it has been hard to face the physical reality of my own illness.
I do know I want to keep living and I worry about the place of emptiness I nearly went to and fear to go again. In that place it is very possible to become set on a course of action that the finality of self destruction is forgotten. Now when I am overtaken in my stress or dismay I ask for help, quickly. It is amazing how the help arrives from others. Importantly this oasis is one of those places.
I think we all hurt so much because of what has happened to us in our childhood that it often feels like the pain will never stop. I know that there have been occasions when the nightmare that is my childhood has held me so tightly in its embrace that I have longed for death to take me.
I hope we all get to the place of peace together and it is not necessary for any of us to fall by our own hands.
Sincerely
Ross