Hi Ktulu, kudos to you for trying to figure out how you can best support him. I, too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and the one thing I have learned, is that my experience or path in healing, is uniquely mine not his - and I can't expect my husband to walk a similar path - as much as it frustrates me sometimes... after all, if he did what I did then I'd know what to do..;-) The hardest thing for me is being patient, and letting him find his own time and place to go into the shadows. I struggle everyday, everyday.
I have found reading Michael Lew's book invaluable in learning about the impact of sexual abuse on men - it is different than women - the support, acceptance, etc. is different (not that we had a great time, but I really do think the path is funkier for men). Men's socialization is so different from women's - it creates some fundamental differences in how they regard being victimized.... The book also helped me decipher some things that have occurred in our relationship - it put them in a context, for what that is worth.
I have also found this website a great forum for helping me learn, hear the stories of others. Also, I'm sure you're doing this but please encourage him to get counseling, that has been a godsend for both of us. Since his experience will be different, he needs a trained, neutral guide to go with him. I learned quickly that having been sexually abused does not make me anything like an expert in helping someone else - in fact, a lot of my own "stuff" got stirred up again - ugh. So I'm getting help for myself too (I'm so grateful we have the means to do so).
I think the one thing that has help our marriage survive through these "rapids" (so far, so good) is finding and holding on to a belief that we'll get through this together (more grey hair, less weight, more wrinkles), and that my husband knows that I love all his "internal parts," no matter how he might feel about them at times....
Good luck, and stay in touch.
-sas
