Help me be a better father to my son.
B.D.F.
Registrant
** Possible Triggers **
My wife and I have a 5 year old foster son who has been living with us for over a year and who we are hoping to adopt one day. We know that he has been exposed to all forms of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; but due to legal restrictions, DSS cannot provide many details on the abuse that he has suffered. I'm trying to avoid disclosing many details of his abuse because I don't think that is fair to him, but I can tell you that he has been physically abused to the point of leaving scars, has witnessed intense domestic abuse between his biological parents on multiple occasions, has regularly watched his biological parents engage in sexual acts, has been transferred to multiple homes because no one is able to tolerate his behavior, and has been repeatedly molested by another child under the age of 12.
These are the things that we know. God only know what else this poor kid has been through.
My wife and I have taken trauma classes and read books (currently reading The Body Keeps the Score based on recommendations from this forum) about the affects of trauma, especially in children. However, I would love to receive some guidance and feedback from this community on how we can best support our son moving forward. Quite honestly, I don't even have specific questions. I guess I just want to find out what either helped you survive your trauma or maybe what you wish someone would have done during or after you experienced childhood trauma. Ultimately, I just want to do everything possible to set this kid up for success. I know I can't undo his past, but what can I do, say, or model to make it easier for him to move forward?
Here are some behaviors that we have noticed, but have had trouble addressing in the last year.
My wife and I have a 5 year old foster son who has been living with us for over a year and who we are hoping to adopt one day. We know that he has been exposed to all forms of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; but due to legal restrictions, DSS cannot provide many details on the abuse that he has suffered. I'm trying to avoid disclosing many details of his abuse because I don't think that is fair to him, but I can tell you that he has been physically abused to the point of leaving scars, has witnessed intense domestic abuse between his biological parents on multiple occasions, has regularly watched his biological parents engage in sexual acts, has been transferred to multiple homes because no one is able to tolerate his behavior, and has been repeatedly molested by another child under the age of 12.
These are the things that we know. God only know what else this poor kid has been through.
My wife and I have taken trauma classes and read books (currently reading The Body Keeps the Score based on recommendations from this forum) about the affects of trauma, especially in children. However, I would love to receive some guidance and feedback from this community on how we can best support our son moving forward. Quite honestly, I don't even have specific questions. I guess I just want to find out what either helped you survive your trauma or maybe what you wish someone would have done during or after you experienced childhood trauma. Ultimately, I just want to do everything possible to set this kid up for success. I know I can't undo his past, but what can I do, say, or model to make it easier for him to move forward?
Here are some behaviors that we have noticed, but have had trouble addressing in the last year.
- We have noticed that he is prone to outbursts and tantrums (sometimes violent) when he doesn't get his way. We have tried to address this from multiple angles, but it still remains an issue.
- He can be a bully to his peers and even to older kids. He loves to "puff his chest" so to speak and act stronger and tougher than those around him. A couple kids have responded to this behavior by being beating him up. He hasn't been in any really bad fights (no blood), but his ego is definitely hurt afterwards. I've tried to get him involved in multiple sports in an effort to build his confidence, but he doesn't seem to want to get better at anything (he gets frustrated VERY easily). Either that, or he just isn't that interested in anything we have tried thus far.
- He talks a lot about girls and he is constantly telling us who he is going to "marry". However, he does not talk to girls, and when he does, he says very hurtful and demeaning things to them. We have caught him trying to sneak into the women's bathroom or sneak a peak at my wife a few times.
- He has very few friends. I've watched him play with others and he seems to constantly want to show them up or prove that he is better than them in everything. It honestly seems like his insecurities prevent him from normal interaction with his peers.