Help: Is there more to remember? *** TRIGGERS ***

Help: Is there more to remember? *** TRIGGERS ***
N

nymij

Registrant
Hello all. I just wrote my first response to Steve's First Post a few days ago. Thanks Steve for the prod, to get the courage to ask this question. I need to prelude the question with some history. In reading this forum and having done a good deal of reading on male survivors, I would like to extend the courtesy of letting anyone who reads below know that the content could be a TRIGGER. Please read when your in the right frame of mind.

My first memory of abuse was from an older brother (5yrs older), when I was I think 8. This came up after I disclosed a legnthly abuse from an older cousin at age 11. From 11-18, I was abused by another cousin, an older neighbor of a relative a freind of my brother's and raped by a co-worker when I was 18. After 18 the acting out started and hasnt stopped until recently.

My brother and I have not spoken about my abuse by him (an issue for another posting). I know he was abused significantly by an older neighbor around the same time.

The abuse by my brother did not come up initially. I am posative it did happen and remember the specific atmosphere and smell and my entire body tightens up when thikning about it (like right now), especially my chest/diaphram. Since i first started to talk about being abused and have started to accept it, I've "known" there is more than i remember. I don't know how to explain it, but I just know. I thought (and pray) that the abuse by my brother was as depraved as it gets. I hit the wall in the Fall and had to stop "working" on this, and shut down. I shut down because I didn't want to remember any more.

I didn't mention that at my Therapist is not a proponent of "forcing" memories. He knows that if necessary, the memories will come up when I can handle them. Well, just before I hit the wall and after I remembered about my brother, I asked my Therapist for an exercise to "allow" any memories to come up... It was just a meditation centering exercise. No regression or hypnotism or anything pro-active. During that exercise, it was one of those rare Dallas days where the windows were open, nice breeze, no one else around, and I totally relaxed. During that period I had an image come to mind of a person I knew but didn't know (???), but I knew it was not good. Then shortly after that, I had an image of a man's face upfront and close (too close). I got very upset and stood up, and "stopped." That was the wall that stopped me in my tracks and I didn't do any "work" after that till recently.
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Ok, so, lately, I've known it is time to start to on recovery again. I've picked up "Victims No Longer" again after reading it half way and putting it down 6 months ago (one of many books). As soon as I started to "work" on it, I got that tightness again that I would get when I would disclose/share (and have now). I am afraid to allow any memories of coming up.... But, here is the thing. I have that feeling that there is more, and it is not good, and may include an older person of parental age or maybe even my Dad (I cannot believe I just wrote that). There are some other older men that were in my life, where I don't have any significant memories, but know I spent a lot of time with..... Sorry I'm sort of rambling on here....

So, what was my question? Did I say I was new to this? Lol - Avoidance technique, that you all can probably see right through....

My question: I have gotten a lot from this site in so far as falidating that my experiences and thinking is what others have experienced and thought. And, that ya'll have gone through portions of recovery that I have not... So, has anyone ever had:
- That lack of memory where you "know that you know" there is something there?
- Any similar experiences in having a scary memory start to surface that you immediatly shoved back into the vault of compartmentalization? If so, did you keep it there, or how did you safely allow it to resurface in it's entirety?


One more comment about reading about others. Through all my reading and particularly on here, I am continually amazed at the consitancy of similar feelings, emotions, acting out and physical issues. EG. Before I disclosed to my wife (result of being caught acting out), I used to have intense Night Terrors (nightmares). To this day (3yrs later), I have not had one bad dream. That still amazes me.....

Sorry for the legnthly post. Did I say I was new to this? I'm sure there is more in here to spit out, if you'll let me. Thanks for any feedback.

Nervously,
Jim
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jim you might want to read the post memories that haunt us, seems like each memory you let out frees another one burried even deeper ,mine never come out safely they just float up like some stinking sewege,rotted and foul.i have had whole parts of my childhood come out even when i thought all the memories were there
 
Jim,

Has anyone ever had that lack of memory where you "know that you know" there is something there?
Click to expand...
I think you will find that anyone who has memories about an extreme trauma from their past will know exactly what you are talking about. Have a look at the thread started by Shadowkid, "Haunted by the memories", in this forum; several of us talked about this issue there.

Memories will probably continue to return bit by bit to you, as you are able to face them. They will be difficult, yes, but do try to remember that none of these terrible things were ever your fault and that it is possible to deal with them. The important thing is to work with a T; s/he will help you work through them with the least new pain and trauma possible.

Much love,
Larry
 
A few years of my life around the time of the abuse are totally blurry if not black. When memories come back, I have a hard time believing them, and that's when I "know that I know" that something more is there. Sometimes I get frustrated, wanting and trying to remember more, but I've learned that perfect memory recall is not the most important aspect of recovery though it often felt like it to me. My T said if the abuse happens when you're young many of these memories can all become similar, represented in flashbacks,memories and nightmares as basically one in the same. The good thing is you can deal with trauma as a whole and don't necessarily need to heal from each and every memory which is something I initially feared. One thing that helps me as memories resurface, and I doubt them to be true, is that I read that traumatic memories are often remembered totally differently from normal memory. They are more like a snapshot. For a while, as these memories came, I needed enough evidence to prove to a jury or friends or peers that the memories were true. Often they were unaccomponied by emotion-that would come separetely. Resistance really bothered me at first, and I had to accept that resistance was just trying to protect me. When I started to feel I could protect myself, resistance let up and allowed me to better see, feel and accept memory. And on some occassions memory just ignored resistance and walked straight through the door.
 
Kid A, thanks for this response ! ! ! I can relate to the "resistance." I have been resisting for a while and am getting less and less stressed over the revelation of more memories.... This post helped me a lot, thanks!
 
Jim, I know that I have memories and I know I have them stuffed away and at times I can start to feel them. I stuff them right back down again. Clearly Im not ready to deal with them yet and maybe I dont need to at this time. I know my abuse happened via my older brother and it occurred for many years. I know how it has affected me today also. The details I dont think for me are as important at the moment as opposed to leaning how to live a fuller life.

No golden answers for you there from me Im sorry but youre hearing from someone who knows those memories are there and from someone whos not ready to work through them yet. Im sure Im not alone.
 
Jim,

I too have had repressed memories. They started to spill over into my concious thought a couple of years ago. It was quite disturbing to say the least, but in my case it was what I needed to spur me into dealing with my past and working for a better future.

You are definitely not alone.

Lots of love,

John
 
Jim,

I have met you, in the chat. I just wished to say, welcome to here, and I am very glad you share here.

Of the thoughts that there is 'more', I think maybe, perhaps it is sometime truth? But sometime, also, we have so much of our brain confused by the abuse, we can not proper break off what is real of it and what is not real of it? Because it is all we can see sometime? I do not mean it as that we 'imagine' it. But at some point, it is going to be, that is all there is.

Think so much on it as you are able to be comfortable with. And when you need to, take the break. You deserve that.

VN
 
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