Help, I Need Some Advice!!!

[KL]

I need some advice.

Recently my entire immediate family has learned that a family member molested and raped me as a child.

He denies everything. Calls it, "false accusations," and gives the impression that I must be delusional and seriously mentally ill.

This infuriates me.

Half my family believe me, and I feel there is doubt within the other half. Also, he once admitted to me and apologized for the abuse ( in the lightest way possible, he just referred to "fondling" me, when yet there was much more to it than that, which included full on penetration/ anal rape ), but now that everyone knows, he's pretending as if we never had that conversation. He claims I am trying to extort money from him, or defame his character, yet aIl I have asked from him thus far is for him to stop lying to everyone in the family, admit what he did, acknowledge it, apologize for the entirety of the abuse, and admit that it had an impact on my life.

But his lying is beginning to outweigh any misperceived loyalty or love I may have once had for him ( which in truth has already been dissipating through therapy ). And I feel as if if he doesn't apologize I have to do something. In the state of Louisiana, where this all occurred, the criminal statue of limitations are not yet up. I'm 34, it's 18+30 yrs. Civil is 18+10 years from the way I understand it.

I meet with him soon in front of family members, if he continues to lie, what do I do? He must be accountable. Any advice would be appreciated. How can I get him to tell the truth without threatening him? I've already told him that I don't want money, I don't want to ruin him or his family, I don't want to throw stones at him in town square, I don't even need it going public, ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE ACCOUNTABLE AND ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE DID...if he doesn't...

I need your advice.

 

[abused9]

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I think, your abuser might be in a panic self defense mode.
One avenue, is to meet with him alone first and let him know that you will not press charges if he just admits to the family that it happened, if that is what you want. If it were me, I would do that in person 1 on 1 with him. He might need a few days to process his options.
If he refuses, you will need to do what you feel comfortable doing.
Nothing to do with my abuse at age 9, but my son was abused at age 13, by a local well known soccer coach in the neighborhood. No one in the neighborhood believed me. He was later accused by another family. The result of that was that he was sentenced to 11 years in prison. He served that sentence and has been out for several years now. Once sentenced, EVERYONE believed EVERYTHING.
I hope this helps, and best wishes trying to move forward in your healing.

 

[KL]

Thanks very much for your reply.

That was a possibility before most of the family found out. I no longer feel safe alone in his company. I have asked a security officer to be present for our upcoming meeting.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi KL,

I'm really sorry you've going through the abuse all over again, first the actual experience of the abuse as a child, and now abuse in a different form, but still physically and emotionally draining. I think you need to be concerned for your physical safety as well as your emotional safety. No doubt a security guard will be sort of a referee in case one is needed.

You need to be sure you are emotionally equipped for a confrontation of this type. Since you mentioned therapy, you should discuss this with your T to see what he/she thinks of your confrontation at this stage in your therapy. I'm not implying that this could be a set back in your therapy, but consider that your own emotional safety and well being is the most important thing for you to consider. Are you in a safe place. Are you ready for an outcome that may not be what you want or need.
Hopefully, any confrontation will not be a "choosing up sides" sort of thing, but even so, it's important to be sure family members that believe your truth will be there for you.

There's a pretty good possibility he will continue to deny everything, especially to save face with family members who believe him. So you need a back up plan if things don't go as you would like.

No denying you're certainly entitled to an apology. Your abuser should be filled with regret, ask your forgiveness and ask if there is anything he could do to make it up. But I think all you can do is continue to make your position clear, and keep stating what you want, with no interest in pursuing some of the things (like prosecution) you're entitled to. Too often, what should happen and what actually happens are entirely different.

Best wishes and good luck as you proceed. You know you're right, and guys here know you're right. You deserve an apology, but between the two, your emotional safety and well being are a whole lot more important than what your abuser says.

 

[dark empathy]

I'm really sorry to hear this Kl, though one thing to bare in mind is that so long as your expecting something from your abuser, your still focusing on him and not yourself.
I do recognize how angry and powerless it feels to think that someone (or in my case several someones), did this and just walks away and there is no notification of what occurred, but the process of pressing charges, getting witnesses, going the legal way is a very long and arduous one which may or may not end the way you want.

This isn't to say don't do it, but you need to focus on you and your recovery and your life, not on his, particularly sinse it sounds like even an acknolidgement from him that this happened won't be forthcoming and might strain things with other family members.

So, if your going to confront him and look for an appology, fare enough, but I'd personally suggest sitting down, perhaps with your therapist and also making sure you focus on you, your life, your healing, your recovery and not on your abuser.

This site is also a good place to do that too if you wish.

I hope some of this helps, and welcome to the site, though I do wish you didn't need to be here at all.

Luke.

 

[KMCINVA]

KL

I am sorry for not replying sooner. I had to take a break. Been dealing with my own issues--for me it is the same family being destructive with spreading tales about me and the abuse, their denial like some in your family.

A week ago this past Friday I heard their story from someone. Always the same. It was a delayed reaction- a rapid spiral spin downward. I left co-workers when I felt the internal gripping and started having dangerous thoughts about me. I had never felt the grip so hard, so strong and the thoughts were racing. I went to see my doctor friend--kind and understanding despite his packing for his move and it being late at night. He said it was a good sign sought help, it shows I want to live and not be pushed to despair by some.

He focused me to write and write and write. Not only what I loved about my children but also to write about what their words and actions were doing to me. It has been hard.

It has taken several attempts and he read the last go round. It is balanced he said. He asked if I would mail them, I said not now, he suggested I blog, change names and locations because it would help me, others who live in similar environments and he said them--he said they have obvious signs and reading about themselves sometimes helps. He mentioned several blog sites, he also said maybe write and share with a newspaper--not sure if I would go that public. He said it is about me and I need to accept it is not about them because they can only help themselves. If I continue to let it be about them and what they think and do, I will be the one gone.

Yesterday more stolen signs as I tried to work, I know who is doing it, more of the same people who antagonize. The house I was at sits well off the road. I checked after wonder why no one had shown up. I walked down the driveway and once again the signs were missing. I got into the car and the signs from the neighborhood entrance to the house were all gone .I quickly drove to the entrance of the neighborhood and put up some additional signs, the last of my signs. It stinks because I have lost over $400 in signs and posts because they think they are funny. The first time they did it, they were seen and a description was given to me. Clear enough who they are.

They wonder why I cannot be productive, they take every opportunity to bash or even steal so I am impacted in working. More of the same as I am unable to pay, cannot make money when others use their powers to disrupt me emotionally and physically. More to tell when challenged about being unable to pay bills. I cannot pay to replace the signs. So a part of the business is impacted. They probably had a good laugh

I am not ready to talk more about everything that happened over the past 10 days but will in the future. It was helpful, painful and disruptive to living. I am still on shaking ground but really trying.

I found the writing helpful. I have written many times but never writing of the pain others have caused, on a deeper level always superficial. He said this allowed me to retain the guilt and shame for what they were doing to me. I needed to get to the core and realize how they were destroying me. It also made me realize some people will never accept the truth because of their deficiencies and emotional issues.

Many in your family seem to suffer the same delusional thoughts, believing denials will make it go away. I think maybe I need to mail my letters or blog them and share with them and the world. Maybe that will push them to see the truth and seeking help they may need. Maybe you may need to send a letter to the relatives you feel close and let them know your feelings,the truth.

I do not know if this makes sense. I am still a bit all over the place.

Take care of yourself, you lived it and it is your story. To hell with those that choose not to believe.

Kevin

 

[KL]

I'm really sorry to hear this Kl, though one thing to bare in mind is that so long as your expecting something from your abuser, your still focusing on him and not yourself.
I do recognize how angry and powerless it feels to think that someone (or in my case several someones), did this and just walks away and there is no notification of what occurred, but the process of pressing charges, getting witnesses, going the legal way is a very long and arduous one which may or may not end the way you want.

This isn't to say don't do it, but you need to focus on you and your recovery and your life, not on his, particularly sinse it sounds like even an acknolidgement from him that this happened won't be forthcoming and might strain things with other family members.

So, if your going to confront him and look for an appology, fare enough, but I'd personally suggest sitting down, perhaps with your therapist and also making sure you focus on you, your life, your healing, your recovery and not on your abuser.

This site is also a good place to do that too if you wish.

I hope some of this helps, and welcome to the site, though I do wish you didn't need to be here at all.

Luke.

A few people in my life have stated what you have. That I need to focus on myself and not my abuser. That I need to be concerned with my life and not his.

But here's the thing. For the first time in my life I am focusing on myself. I'm standing up to him for the first time in 26 years since the abuse. I'm saying "You hurt me," and "you need to be accountable." My 8 year old self couldn't stand up to him, but this adult me can...and it feels empowering. In many ways I feel I'm on the road to recovery, I know his presence will always be with me, that will never go away, the emotional scar is there and it will continue to itch, but to stand by and not hold evil accountable, to do nothing is irresponsible. Not only to myself but others he may have hurt.

If Luke Skywalker just focused on himself the galaxy would still be ruled by the empire lol.

This notion that victims should just go away and focus on themselves ( I know this is not entirely what you're saying, just trying to make a point ) is off axis from other crimes and injustices that are perpetrated nationally and around the globe. If a woman is raped, she wants justice hopefully, if a bank is robbed, you want to catch the bandits, and so on.

I want to catch and make accountable the a$$h*le that took my childhood away from me and gave me a slew of psychological issues to deal with in its aftermath.

That's what I need, that is me focusing on me.

I appreciate your response, if anything it's building fortitude. Thank you for the kind and considerate words. And yes, that's a great idea to talk to my therapist about it ( a lot of this has gone down since last speaking with her. ) But, irritatingly I know what she's going to say when I ask what she thinks about it she'll say "Well, what do you think about it?" Haha

 

[KL]

There's a pretty good possibility he will continue to deny everything, especially to save face with family members who believe him. So you need a back up plan if things don't go as you would like.

My back up plan. It goes back and forth, he can either admit to the family what he's done or I'll keep escalating. Next step lawyer. And then it can go public and he can deny to everyone in town, not just the family.

 

[KL]

Hey ((((((((Kevin)))))))), yeah mate, it sounds like you have your hands full at the moment. Sorry you're having to deal with so much. Hang in there and keep your chin up. I know exactly what you're feeling and you are not alone.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi KL.

The decision on whether to prosecute our abusers is a personal question best answered by the survivor of the crime. Some folks don't want to turn to the police because they fear the exposure of what they consider to be a shameful crime -- even though all the shame rests on the perpetrator. Other folks have no problems with getting the authorities involved. At its deepest level, this is really up to you.

That perhaps half of your family do not believe you is probably not abnormal. The shock of such fearsome accusations throws many people into denial -- denial that such a thing could happen, could happen to someone they know, and even worse that such a crime could be committed by a family member. But that does not make their reactions right.

You have a right to tell your truth to whom you wish and you have a right to demand justice. Through no fault of your own you were harmed by a family member whom you presumably trusted. Many of us wait years before we report the abuse because we fear the very reaction you got from part of your family.

If you want your truth to be heard and you want your justice through the courts, go for it. These cases are always difficult but hopefully the courts are more sympathetic to the survivors of CSA than they were 30 or 40 years ago.

I wish you the very, very best as you make your way through the snares and tangles of a decision you must make. Just know that whatever you decide, you will be supported by the men here on MS.

Mike

 

[14by10]

KL, I am sorry that you are going through this.

The requirement that the abuser acknowledge the wrongs done to us is our inner child asking to be believed. We need acknowledgement that we were hurt and it was not our fault.

Unfortunately perpetrators rarely acknowledge what they did. In confronting them one has to be prepared for them turning this against you, which they will do. Especially if it is one one one.

I would certainly discuss this with therapist before taking any action. Preparing for confronting the abuser requires preparation. Do not be hasty.

Good luck for your healing and progress.

 

[KL]

I've had it up to here ( motioning with hands to the sky ) with the shame I've lived with in the past. I'm over it. I carry very little these days, if any. And in truth, I've never felt more comfortable about who I am, where I've been, and what I stand for.

Today, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the shame of my abuse lies not with me, but with my abuser 100%

I appreciate the strong words.

They want to believe me, and I feel they do mostly but there's still enough doubt lingering that it's upsetting to me.

But I'm a fighter, I'm realizing this for the first time, and I'm strong.

The recent development is I've asked him to take a lie detector test in front of the family, which he dodged, not once, but twice. I'll ask again when we have our little chat. With the amble memories I have, both in my mind's eye and sensory I know I'll be able to shake the very ground that he'll be standing on.

 

[dark empathy]

@Kl, good luck with this, I hope you get the result you want, but as 14by10 said, it is possible you won't (abusers on average don't like to recognize they're abusers), in which case I do hope your okay with all the legal issues and emotional battles.

In terms of Starwars, my fear is that you'd be rather more like Luke Skywalker running up to Vader just after he killed Obiwan and expecting him to feel remourse rather than going off to work together with Wedge and Bigs and his friends in the resistance and then later train with Yoda, sinse only after that point was he ready to confront Vader and at that point no longer ruled by his anger, ---- btw,

Oh and yes, starwars is awesome, I was even pleasantly surprised by The force unleashed .

Hopefully you can use some of that strength to heal yourself too.

Luke.

 

[KL]

Again, emotionally I am as ready as I'll ever be. I'm 34, and this has been 26 years in the making...since age 8. The training is over, haha.

I appreciate everyone giving me the worst case scenario, but I just can't stand by anymore. I'm not some weak and meek little boy.

And I'm sick and tired of fighting for my right to fight against my abuser.

 

[KL]

P.S.

I can't wait to show you guys the new video I've been working on.

 

[Nothing Man]

Good luck KL. I support you.


Mike

 

[dark empathy]

I'm sorry if I sounded as if I were denying you your choice to seak this sort of restitution, that wasn't my intention at all.

Good luck and may the force be with you.
Keep us posted on how things come out.

 

[KL]

So I had a spontaneous session with my therapist, per you guys' advice, and guess what? She agrees with you guys!
Darnit all

She thinks he will continue to deny. She also worries that he doing so face to face in front of family has the potential to be emotionally devastating and possibly a set back in all the progress she and I have made. She says she's glad to see I'm finally angry at him instead of missing him...ugh. I don't know. She recognizes my need to confront, that it too could go the other way and could be possibly positive, but she cautions me to think very clearly about all of the consequences.

I of course respect what you guys think and her opinion. I have much to consider. I'll keep you updated.

 

[Bluedogone]

I'm GLAD you discussed this with your T, and she encouraged thoughtful consideration.

Even though they may have sounded like worse case scenarios, there are too many incidents when confrontation was a set back for the survivor. Best wishes as you continue the healing process.

 

[KL]

Guys...I'm going to go for it.

He told me on the phone he wants resolution. That he wants to sit down and talk. Obviously all of this has been very stressful for him. The entire family finding out, the questions I'm sure he's had to answer, the phone calls, the possibility of his church finding out, the complete barrage...He stated it was stressful, I responded, "Is it a little discomforting? Aw, well now you have the tiniest inkling of what I've been dealing with for the last 26 years."

He's weakened. His antiseptic world has gotten dirty. He's lost his grip over me, the 34 year old has the control now. I've been completely obsessed with this, at an unhealthy level I will admit. However, no matter how it may go down, I may not get another opportunity where he is this disheveled. Figuratively speaking, I'm going to move in for the kill.

I've asked that the security/ police officer friend not be there. I don't think he will talk with someone with handcuffs and a gun nearby. That much authority may scare him. He may be more open to tell the truth without him present.

I know that he may continue to deny. And at this point it doesn't matter. What matters is that I stand up against him. That I stand up for that sweet, affectionate, loving little boy that cries out for me to do so deep within myself. I need to tell him what he did to me, the impact it had, the pain he caused...I need to tell him face to face.

It's going to be hard. I'll probably get emotional. But this is my chance. Even if he continues to deny, the memories I'll throw at him will be shocking, disruptive, and shameful for him to hear. And who knows...standing up to him finally, I think it's huge progress. And the benefits I have to believe will far outweigh any negative ramifications.

The meeting is set for tomorrow. I'll let you know what happens.