Help I Don't know what I am supposed to be

Help I Don't know what I am supposed to be
D

Dwayne T

Registrant
Hi i was molested when I was 10-11 by an older boy who was 13-14 he asked me if I could help him out so I did and off to the garage we went...
Next one was a neiybor next door...Where we lived was next to a gay bar. where from 13-15 I was picked up by several men. they would give me money. then I met my first girlfreind at 15 turning 16 and I slept with a lot of women until i was about 26-27. I never told anybody until 26-27. while I was on speed.

Here is my problem after the first time, i started to experiment Iwould go next door to a apt bldg. and go undrneath and Started inserting spoons into my anus, after awhile I lerned how to masterbate with somthing in my anus (Glass tube, screw driver. then I tried wearing tight pants...you get the picture some what. At the same time i saw the boy again and I let him do it again I can't remember why I did that. 22 yrs old I started doing rock cocaine and I would get high and masterbate while inserting somthing into myself. Then I moved on to speed I started wearing womens langeir and looking for someone to f-- me. mabey I ended up with some guy 3-4 times most of the time i could not go thru with it I would just walk the streets like I did when I was a kid I got married 2 an half years ago and this year My wife thru me out cause I watched a prono and left it out I like beutiful sexy women but I like watching Transexuals have sex it get me off I fantisize that I am the female getting or having an orgasam. What the f----- !!! am I???? I need some help !!!!!!!!!!!!


Dwayne in LA,CA :confused:
 
There is a lot of pain in your post. I am sorry that you have had so many bad stuff in your life.

I suspect that you have some very serious medical problems from inserting foreign objects into yourself. Infections would be a huge worry from that kind of thing.

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you feel overwhelmed with so many questions. It really helps if you have a good therapist to help you sort out and make peace with some of this.

Take good care of yourself.

Bob
 
thanks for the reply it is nice safe here!!!! since I seperated from My wife I mean first I got loaded on the speed so i could have the sex with myself then I tried Pot cause I was not talking to anybody then sunday My wife basicly said we should go are own way as freinds I got some speed sunday and Make long story short yes i started seeing the ladie therapest told my psch that I was haveing problems so he set it up. Iwill be doing CA younger brother of AA, But I can not go on like this or i will loose the job car house,,,but most of all my sanity I am just guhing right now cause if I don't gush I might not tomorrow...I want change but I f---ing scared of it.....
c-ya

and I hope everything is good with you

Dwayne

Originally posted by Dwayne T:
Hi i was molested when I was 10-11 by an older boy who was 13-14 he asked me if I could help him out so I did and off to the garage we went...
Next one was a neiybor next door...Where we lived was next to a gay bar. where from 13-15 I was picked up by several men. they would give me money. then I met my first girlfreind at 15 turning 16 and I slept with a lot of women until i was about 26-27. I never told anybody until 26-27. while I was on speed.

Here is my problem after the first time, i started to experiment Iwould go next door to a apt bldg. and go undrneath and Started inserting spoons into my anus, after awhile I lerned how to masterbate with somthing in my anus (Glass tube, screw driver. then I tried wearing tight pants...you get the picture some what. At the same time i saw the boy again and I let him do it again I can't remember why I did that. 22 yrs old I started doing rock cocaine and I would get high and masterbate while inserting somthing into myself. Then I moved on to speed I started wearing womens langeir and looking for someone to f-- me. mabey I ended up with some guy 3-4 times most of the time i could not go thru with it I would just walk the streets like I did when I was a kid I got married 2 an half years ago and this year My wife thru me out cause I watched a prono and left it out I like beutiful sexy women but I like watching Transexuals have sex it get me off I fantisize that I am the female getting or having an orgasam. What the f----- !!! am I???? I need some help !!!!!!!!!!!!


Dwayne in LA,CA :confused:
Click to expand...
 
Dwayne,

First of all, I want to welcome you to a safe place. I am sorry you had to go through what you did.

I agree with Bob to get checked out.

With therapy and support from us and others, this nightmare can end.

No one will EVER judge you here. You would not believe some of the things I have done.

Dwayne, please take it easy and know that you are with some true brothers.

We are here. PM me if you need me.

Marc
 
Dwayne

Reading your post brought it all back, we have a lot in common. The fear, confusion, what the hell am I?

Stay close to this room, we are all here to support one another and you.

PM me if you want, am here too listen

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Welcome!

Like the others have said. You'r safe among friends.

I'm not sure what it is that you are suppose to be. We can only hope that someday you can be who/what you WANT to be. Best of luck! I'll be happy to help where I can. But then, I get kind of confused about identy issues of my own.

Let it Loose!

Aden
 
I really want to thank you guys for the msg's that you replied back. I knowhtat i am going to need your help. I still have not made it to a meeting of CA or AA as I have been pretty good at sharing in the past and I worked out a lot of stuff, so being to lay my story out with you guys in detail was great, I am going to a meeting of AA tomorrow ir is meeting where I have people that I know. ( I don't like saying freinds. Cause I don't feel like I am very freindly) but I think Ihave peeled the next layer of the onion, I don't what all I am trying to say but in short I can not share at a meeting " that I got loaded and fucking my self in the ass" so thanks -for letting be here. I am still comming down from the speed. again thank and If I can help any of you in any way just ask.

Dwayne :cool:


Originally posted by Dwayne T:
Hi i was molested when I was 10-11 by an older boy who was 13-14 he asked me if I could help him out so I did and off to the garage we went...
Next one was a neiybor next door...Where we lived was next to a gay bar. where from 13-15 I was picked up by several men. they would give me money. then I met my first girlfreind at 15 turning 16 and I slept with a lot of women until i was about 26-27. I never told anybody until 26-27. while I was on speed.

Here is my problem after the first time, i started to experiment Iwould go next door to a apt bldg. and go undrneath and Started inserting spoons into my anus, after awhile I lerned how to masterbate with somthing in my anus (Glass tube, screw driver. then I tried wearing tight pants...you get the picture some what. At the same time i saw the boy again and I let him do it again I can't remember why I did that. 22 yrs old I started doing rock cocaine and I would get high and masterbate while inserting somthing into myself. Then I moved on to speed I started wearing womens langeir and looking for someone to f-- me. mabey I ended up with some guy 3-4 times most of the time i could not go thru with it I would just walk the streets like I did when I was a kid I got married 2 an half years ago and this year My wife thru me out cause I watched a prono and left it out I like beutiful sexy women but I like watching Transexuals have sex it get me off I fantisize that I am the female getting or having an orgasam. What the f----- !!! am I???? I need some help !!!!!!!!!!!!


Dwayne in LA,CA :confused:
Click to expand...
 
Hello, and again, welcome.

I do not relate to many of the details of your post. But still, I relate to the feelings of confusion, sadness, feeling 'lost'. You are welcome here, and you will find support and understanding here.

I was very resistant to therapy when first I start dealing with these issues. But now I do believe I could not come this far without it, and I believe it is important thing. Please do try to consider it.

Good luck,
leosha
 
Hi Dwayne Here, and I am still stuck in a rut,,and the pain os just... I can't stop getting high, and doing the stuff below. I have got to find a way to trust, have faith..I hope this is the right place to post this...I just wanted to check in and stay in,,,I don't know I am desprate....

Dwayne
Originally posted by Dwayne T:
Hi i was molested when I was 10-11 by an older boy who was 13-14 he asked me if I could help him out so I did and off to the garage we went...
Next one was a neiybor next door...Where we lived was next to a gay bar. where from 13-15 I was picked up by several men. they would give me money. then I met my first girlfreind at 15 turning 16 and I slept with a lot of women until i was about 26-27. I never told anybody until 26-27. while I was on speed.

Here is my problem after the first time, i started to experiment Iwould go next door to a apt bldg. and go undrneath and Started inserting spoons into my anus, after awhile I lerned how to masterbate with somthing in my anus (Glass tube, screw driver. then I tried wearing tight pants...you get the picture some what. At the same time i saw the boy again and I let him do it again I can't remember why I did that. 22 yrs old I started doing rock cocaine and I would get high and masterbate while inserting somthing into myself. Then I moved on to speed I started wearing womens langeir and looking for someone to f-- me. mabey I ended up with some guy 3-4 times most of the time i could not go thru with it I would just walk the streets like I did when I was a kid I got married 2 an half years ago and this year My wife thru me out cause I watched a prono and left it out I like beutiful sexy women but I like watching Transexuals have sex it get me off I fantisize that I am the female getting or having an orgasam. What the f----- !!! am I???? I need some help !!!!!!!!!!!!


Dwayne in LA,CA :confused:
Click to expand...
 
Dwayne,

My experience is that until I was able to get and stay clean and sober, I was not in any position to be able to help myself.

I would urge you to seek help and treatment for your substance abuse.

That is how it was for me. I had to get free of the chemicals I was ingesting in order to be able to get into a position where I could receive help in recovering from the effects of the sexual abuse.

I have heard it said that as addicts/alcoholics we must focus first on finding the solution to our primary addiction--find the way to stay clean and sober.

There are many resources available for this, but unfortunately they don't seem to work until I have had enough. It sounds like you may be approaching that place.

I hope so.

It is a terrible thing when the substances and objects we use to deal with the pain of our lives, turn on us and become agents of pain and suffering themselves.

I know that pain because I lived with it for over 25 years. I feel fortunate to be one who survived.

So many of us don't.

This is a good place for a survivor of sexual abuse to be. You will also find there are good places for we who are addicted to substances also.

I am glad that you are here. Keep asking for help, keep be willing to accept the help that is offered.

It is possible to heal from the damage of sexual abuse.

I know because it is happening for me.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Regards,
 
Dwayne,

What the f----- !!! am I???? I need some help !!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
Answer: You are a drug addict. That should be your primary concern.
Until you have your substance abuse under control, which means 'not using', you will be spinning your wheels as far as dealing with your SA issues. This forum is not equipped to give you the intensive substance abuse counselling you need and deserve. I urge you to see a doctor and get treatment.

Peace, Andrew

P.S. we all read your story at the beginning of the thread. Cutting and pasting it repeatedly with each reply is unnecessary.
 
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