Help for parents of survivor
My husband's son (by his first wife) is 34 years old, and we know he was sexually abused between the ages of 8-12 by an uncle. Our daughter-in-law told my husband about it. Unfortunately, my husband's son (I'll refer to him as "Jr.") has never brought this up with him. He is at a loss as to how to best help his son.
A little background might help.
Jr. is the oldest child. His parents divorced when he was around 7 y.o. Since he was the oldest, I imagine the divorce was most devastating for him. His mother immediately remarried, to an abusive alcoholic. His father maintained contact, but I think it was the minimum. The uncle who abused him was the mother's little brother, and he was not a whole lot older than Jr. - I think about 4 years older? His mother is aware of the abuse, but I have no idea what her thoughts or reactions to it were. His uncle, the abuser, died in a motorcycle accident at the age of 16.
Jr. was always in some sort of trouble. When I encountered him, as an adult, he was a severe cocaine addict and alcoholic. Also a bit of a womanizer. He married a couple of years ago because his girlfriend was pregnant. The marriage was very troubled, and came to a crisis a year ago when he strangled her in front of the baby. The police were called, and he was ordered into rehab. He has been clean and sober and actively involved in AA ever since. They have since then had another baby. The marriage continued to be troubled - he was very controlling and critical. We encouraged them to get counselling, and finally only recently, they have. From what his wife has told me, the counselor is seeing him alone sometimes and has been confronting him over his lack of ability to show emotion or feelings of love. In a separate session between only the wife and the therapist, the wife told the therapist about the abuse. She sounds like a great counsellor, and we are hoping she will find a way to gently bridge the subject with him.
I'll try to describe his personality. He is one of the most guarded individuals I have ever known. He is very shut down, and veers between sounding very depressed or being very anxious with panic attacks. I know he has chronic insomnia. He also has a very paranoid world-view. He believes that aliens control the government, reads up on every conspiracy theory there is. My personal feeling is that this reflects a profound sense of powerlessness - if aliens control everything, then humans have little or no control over their own destinies. He is also extremely xenophobic and racist, which is quite unlike the rest of his extended family. I am wondering if the conspiracy theory stuff and the racism are connected to the experience of abuse. He is very affectionate with his daughters - the point of clinginess at times, but overall seems to make a tremendous effort for them. I worry that he will be too over-protective and controlling with them.
Anyway, I hope that gives a clear picture of him. We care about him a lot, and are just wondering if there is something we can do or say - esp. his dad - that could help him a little more. Is there a way for his dad to broach this subject with him? Or is it, as I suspect, up to Jr.? Any advice would be appreciated.
A little background might help.
Jr. is the oldest child. His parents divorced when he was around 7 y.o. Since he was the oldest, I imagine the divorce was most devastating for him. His mother immediately remarried, to an abusive alcoholic. His father maintained contact, but I think it was the minimum. The uncle who abused him was the mother's little brother, and he was not a whole lot older than Jr. - I think about 4 years older? His mother is aware of the abuse, but I have no idea what her thoughts or reactions to it were. His uncle, the abuser, died in a motorcycle accident at the age of 16.
Jr. was always in some sort of trouble. When I encountered him, as an adult, he was a severe cocaine addict and alcoholic. Also a bit of a womanizer. He married a couple of years ago because his girlfriend was pregnant. The marriage was very troubled, and came to a crisis a year ago when he strangled her in front of the baby. The police were called, and he was ordered into rehab. He has been clean and sober and actively involved in AA ever since. They have since then had another baby. The marriage continued to be troubled - he was very controlling and critical. We encouraged them to get counselling, and finally only recently, they have. From what his wife has told me, the counselor is seeing him alone sometimes and has been confronting him over his lack of ability to show emotion or feelings of love. In a separate session between only the wife and the therapist, the wife told the therapist about the abuse. She sounds like a great counsellor, and we are hoping she will find a way to gently bridge the subject with him.
I'll try to describe his personality. He is one of the most guarded individuals I have ever known. He is very shut down, and veers between sounding very depressed or being very anxious with panic attacks. I know he has chronic insomnia. He also has a very paranoid world-view. He believes that aliens control the government, reads up on every conspiracy theory there is. My personal feeling is that this reflects a profound sense of powerlessness - if aliens control everything, then humans have little or no control over their own destinies. He is also extremely xenophobic and racist, which is quite unlike the rest of his extended family. I am wondering if the conspiracy theory stuff and the racism are connected to the experience of abuse. He is very affectionate with his daughters - the point of clinginess at times, but overall seems to make a tremendous effort for them. I worry that he will be too over-protective and controlling with them.
Anyway, I hope that gives a clear picture of him. We care about him a lot, and are just wondering if there is something we can do or say - esp. his dad - that could help him a little more. Is there a way for his dad to broach this subject with him? Or is it, as I suspect, up to Jr.? Any advice would be appreciated.