Help for my son

Help for my son
P

parkerv

Registrant
This is really hard. My son lived with his father and step mother from 7 until weeks before his 13th birthday last year. We have had him since. He has come a very long way in the last year. More social, lost 85 pounds, quit wetting the bed and overall is an extraordinary boy.

We fell into a discussion yesterday and the long and the short of it was that the boy that lived next door to his dad's house who is aggressive and 3 years older, has been molesting our son the entire time he lived with his dad. It took hours for it all to come out and I am fairly certain I have not heard all of it, but I do know that the boy did have sexual intercourse with my son, did have oral sex with him and that at times it also involved my son's two step sisters who are his age and younger. This boy would assure my son that he was not gay, that if he did not go along that they would no longer be friends, etc etc. We are devestated. He has had therapists off and on and never a word. I want to die when I think of all the times he would be hysterical crying begging me not to take drop him back at his dads and I did anyway.

The boy moved away a couple of years ago and my son said all of the sexual activity ended there. He admitted that he had been sexual alone with both step sisters too. Alot of this came to light when I discoved him looking up porn online--horrible stuff.

I made some calls today to get a qualified therapist to see him. He does not want to go and says "he's fine" and "I don't want to talk about it". We are spinning and worried literally sick. We have concerns for him, the step sisters and we are very worried about what this kid is doing right now in his new town of Pittsburgh, PA. Any advice. Any would be most welcome. Thank you.
 
Parker:
Lots of issues here. First, are you saying that your son had sexual contact with his stepsisters? Are they in the home with him now or do they have contact with him? How old are they? First, if your son has done anything to them, you want to protect them from further abuse and get them help.

If your son is looking at porn on line "horrible stuff", I assume he is not just looking at nude pictures of adult porn. If it is sadistic, fetishistic, "kinky" or child porn, you have every right to be concerned. It may be indicative of sexual damage done to him by the abuse and he could be reinforcing deviant fantasies through masturbation to such images.

If your son does not want to go into therapy, he could be mandated if he abused a younger step-sister. While it may be difficult to press charges against him, that may be the only way to get him to address the abuse done to him and the abuse he (may have) inflicted on his step-sisters. If he has abused them, it is highly unlikely that he will enter or stay in offense-specific therapy voluntarily. While some jurisdictions have what may seem to be repressive laws on offending, most places recognize that juveniles are in need of treatment rather than punishment. Few, if any, abusers will be voluntary clients.

If he is not willing to see a therapist (and be sure to get someone who is experienced in dealing with sexual abuse victimization and offending issues-- see "A Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" in this website), you could get him to commit to seeing the therapist three times to make a decision whether to remain in treatment. I'm willing to make that offer to kids who have been abused, but if they have abused others (and please clarify for me if he has), then he should not have a choice. You may have to insist he go to treatment or you will have to notify the juvenile court/police. Not a great decision but one that is for his own good (and also to prevent further victimization of others.)

Lastly, the perpetrator in Pittsburgh can be referred to PA's Childline for reporting suspected child abuse. I don't know whether they will do an investigation on a case that involved abuse out of state but that's a place to start.

Let me know if I missed something here.

Ken
 
Ken, Very infomative. Thank you. My son does not live at his dad's house but sees his step sisters during visitation. He is adament that nothing sexual has happened between him and the step sisters since the other boy moved away.

He is using search words like, "pussy", "blowjobs" and hilary duff nude" etc, but what comes up when he does those searches are much more horrific then what I think he was looking for. I've spent 3 days online reading about the effects of this sort of pornography.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this better for all involved. We do not have a good relationship with his father and step mother and dread how this will be held. After moe conversation with my son, he is willing to go to therapy. He trusts that we know what he needs and has agreed to do it.

How do I tell his dad and his step mother? I already know that he will not go back there until we do and until the therapist tells us he can. Even though he says nothing has happened in the couple of years since the neighbor moved away, I cannot send him.

I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I need to read your response a couple of times and take some notes. Thank you ever so much for your thoughts.
 
Ken, Reread twice. Here goes..I'm ready to erupt. Don't take this personally. THIS BOY RAPED MT SON. FOR YEARS!!!!!!!! I AM SO GD ANGRY!!!! Are you saying that there is any chance that child protective service either will or will not hunt this kid???? I want to put my hands around his neck!
 
I also might add that when my son was 4 I caught him at the neighbors with his pants down with the other kid and HIS FATHER WAS ORDERED TO NEVER, EVER ALLOW MY SON OVER THERE OR TO BE ALONE WITH
HIM!
 
Parkerv,

I am so very sorry to see this has happened to you, and you have every right to be angry. The anger HAS to come out somehow, so can I suggest that you vent it here? You will be understood and supported here - no one will judge you.

As Ken says, there are so many issues to consider here. I am from PA originally, so I can tell you that Social Services in this state is pretty good, though of course at the end of the day it depends on the people you get to talk to, as always. Childline alerts are taken VERY seriously and are acted upon quickly.

One think I think might help you is to get ahold of some literature on child sexual abuse as it specifically relates to boys and young survivors. Books written for teenaged boys would be helpful. I have some bibliography I can send to you, but not until next week as I am away from home base at the moment.

Try not to blame yourself for all this. Abuse is committed by abusers and they are the ones at fault. You had every reason to think that your son would be safe at his father's house. The blame game sucks up a lot of emotional energy, and you need that for your son.

Your boy will need a lot of support from you, of course. He needs to know that you believe him, that you don't blame him, that he isn't a dirty kid, that it's okay to be confused and scared, and that he will have a lot of feelings that he will need to talk about and you are always ready to listen. When he does talk, he will be watching you like a hawk: Do you believe him? Is he as bad as he feels? Etc.

At the same time, and as Ken says, you will have to be strong and insist that he seek help and cooperate with his therapist. He needs to know from the start that this one is carved in stone.

Watch out for your own needs as well Parker. You are a victim too, and you will need to deal with and work through your own issues over this. Just remember that we are always ready to listen here. A lot of the things you may need to say will sound so terrible to you, and they are. But they will probably, and unfortunately, be issues that come up a lot here.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, My son was taken away from us because my partner and I are lesbians. His father and step mother damaged him in ways that have me shaking in fury. My intuition was alert around this kid. I want to know when he was 7, 8, 9,10 etc. why they did not question where he was or why this older kid had him in the woods all the time. I know where he is now at all times--every second of the day. I assign blame to myself for not seeing it--it is my son's god given right and our responsibility to keep him safe. I begged his father to seek out other friendships for him and to keep him away. I am nothing but a ball of rage today. I dare him to say any of his redneck machismo bullshit to me today. I am ready to eat someones lunch. I tmakes me sick watching my son go about his day today and every day like this doesnt sit on him like dead wieght.
 
Parker,

I tmakes me sick watching my son go about his day today and every day like this doesnt sit on him like dead wieght.
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A couple points. Yeah, it's a weight on him, but it's not a dead one, not yet. See all the other forums on the board for the results of long-term carrying of dead weight. Your son has the opportunity now to take a different path than the one taken by so many of the men who come here as adults. Ken and Larry have written well about what it will take to change that trajectory, but please don't ever think that it can't be done, and that he, and you, won't do it. You will.

The most hopeful thing about this whole thread comes from your original post. He has already broken silence. The adults here could not do that for, usually, decades. That's a great and significant thing; he's going to need help dealing with the consequences of breaking silence, but the really big step is already done. Pat yourself on your back (or have your partner do it for you!), take a deep breath (never forget to breathe -- listen to Anna Nalick on this one), and look forward. It gets better from here, I bet.

Also, Ken's words about your son's full experience need to be considered and acted on. If your son was both victim and victimizer, that is another thread in the tapestry that needs to be looked at for what it is, too.

Lastly, your son's experiences seem to have arisen inside a very two-sided custody situation. To the extent that this matter could have any bearing on your rights as his mother, you may wish to consult with a local attorney.

John
 
Let me clarify a few things:

1. We won custody of Allan (not his real name--our son) back a year ago March. We knew none of this at the time and won him back because of the abusive phone calls we recorded in court, the stranglehold and control his father kept over our relationship with him, my son obsesity, his poor performance in school, his strained relationship with his father's new wife and her children.

2. Allan is the only child we have in our home. The step sisters live with his dad and his step mother. His step sisters are a year older than he is and one is younger. God, how could he do this, participate.

3. Allan is doing so much better today. Is in accelerated classes, top in math, lost 85 pounds and is on target for his hieght and weight, is social and open now. We have him a very good safe home I think. He knows he can say anyting to us. The post about my response hit me. His face was white and his eyes were huge and when I was tucking him in bed he was not speaking and he was searching my face. I gave him loads of kisses and a big hug and told him I would make this better. He shook his head. I ended up laying next to him all night as he hung onto our dachsund Max.

Our home is our safe place and out nest. I cannot imagine allowing this to go on for so long. I have bit my tongue for years for the sake of my son and I cannot do it on this one. And I cannot beleive that he did not tell me until now. Why now? Why? Why didnt he tell me while it was happening? Is he ruined for good? I'm worrying about a good university education, him driving eventually, his grades, his social activism, and this comes up??? What else don't I know? Is he holding back? When I report this, he will end up holding the bag for the stuff that went on with him and the step sisters but this other kid will probably end up off and doing this again. I'm worried too because this kid also had an older brother and I am afraid to ask. Shit shit shit. My parents are FREAKING. Will this go on my sons permanent record? Will this follow him forever? Oh god, I want ot hit something. What happens to make this happen????
 
Just want to clarify:
We have him a very good safe home I think. He knows he can say anyting to us.
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I think you do, too. That he has already opened up to you on a subject that his guts are screaming at him to keep his mouth shut about is the best possible indicator that this is so. You (and, I hope, your partner too) clearly have a bridge of trust with this child that is strong, and will bear some considerable weight.

No, he's not "ruined for good." He still has excellent chances of developing permanent driving skills at the same time as others in his age cohort. My understanding, based on my own experience, is that these skills solidify 8-10 years after the license to drive is first earned at 16.

No one is talking about sticking him with blame, only about evaluating his situation and your response to it in the full light of everything he's told you about. The fact that he even could tell you about it is remarkable, you have his trust, he's counting on you to help him make sense of this, not to judge him, and to always listen as you already have. These aren't easy things to do, but sound like you have a step ahead of the general crowd in this way.

So, keep worrying about his grades, getting him into a good school for his degree, his driving, and all the rest of it, but worry about him, too. He wants you to know him for who he is; what he's told you is a part of his experience, you can help him see that it doesn't become a part of who he is.

Courage, Parker.

John
 
This is from the Men Can Stop Rape website, https://www.mencanstoprape.org/info-url2699/info-url_show.htm?doc_id=49609, and although it's written for people supporting men who have been raped, it is (I believe) generally applicable for anyone supporting a male who has been sexually traumatized and has some excellent basic points:

Supporting Survivors

-----------------------------------------
When someone says, "I was raped"...


BELIEVE them. It is not your role to question whether a rape occurred but to be there to ease the pain. The fact is that false rape reports are no more nor less common than false reports for other violent crimes.

HELP them explore their options. Don't take charge of the situation and pressure the rape survivor to do what you think they should. That's what the rapist did. Give them the freedom to choose a path of recovery that is comfortable for them, even if you'd do it differently. Remember, there is no one right way for a survivor to respond after being assaulted.

LISTEN to them. It is crucial that you let survivors in your lives know that they can talk to you about their experience when they are ready. Some may not wish to speak with you immediately, but at some point during the healing process, it is likely that the survivor will come to you for support. When that happens, don't interrupt, or yell, or inject your feelings. Just open your ears to the pain of being raped. Your caring but silent attention will be invaluable.

NEVER BLAME them for being assaulted. No one ever deserves to be raped. No matter what they wore, how many times they had sex before, whether they were walking alone at night, whether they got drunk, if they were married, or whether they went up to the perpetrator's room. Even if the survivor feels responsible, say clearly and caringly that being raped wasn't their fault.

ASK before you touch. Don't assume that physical contact, even in the form of a gentle touch or hug, will be comforting to a survivor. Many survivors, especially within the first weeks after an assault, prefer to avoid sex or simple touching even by those they love and trust. Be patient, give them the space they need, and try your best not to take it personally. One way to signal to the survivor that you are open to giving physical comfort is to sit with an open posture and a hand palm up nearby.

RECOGNIZE that you've been assaulted too. We can't help but be hurt when someone we love is made to suffer. Don't blame yourself for the many feelings you will likely have in response to learning that someone close to you has been raped. Sadness, confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, guilt, disappointment, shock, anxiety, desperation, and compassion are all common reactions for survivors and their significant others. Being aware of these emotions may ultimately help you better understand the survivor's experience and support them more effectively.

GET HELP for yourself. Whether you reach out to a friend, family member, counselor, religious official, etc..., make sure you don't go through this experience alone. Most rape crisis centers offer counseling for significant others and family members because they realize that the impact of rape extends far beyond the survivor. Keeping all your feelings inside will only make you less able to be there for the survivor. Remember, getting help when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness.
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John
 
Parker:
Why didnt he tell me while it was happening? Is he ruined for good? I'm worrying about a good university education, him driving eventually, his grades, his social activism, and this comes up??? What else don't I know? Is he holding back? When I report this, he will end up holding the bag for the stuff that went on with him and the step sisters but this other kid will probably end up off and doing this again. I'm worried too because this kid also had an older brother and I am afraid to ask. Shit shit shit.
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I hear you freaking out all the way here up north. It is tough to be calm and less emotional when anyone gets hit with this kind of news. Let me try to answer some of the questions and concerns you've listed.

Why he didn't tell you is probably a combination of fear, shame, doubt he'd be believed, concerns that he would be blamed for inviting or allowing the abuse to take place or continue, etc., etc. The men here can offer you lots of reasons they didn't or couldn't tell.

Is he ruined for good? Definitely not. Research says that the two most important factors to minimize long term consequences for victims of sexual abuse is that they are believed and feel supported. You are doing both. Pat yourself (or have your partner) on the back.

Worrying about his grades, social life, driving, and going to college is a bit premature. The kid is only 13. Long term planning by a parent regarding these activities is not bad when you're saving $$ for college but be careful not to put your concerns on him. Kids are perceptive. He has a lot to deal with and being in middle school is tough enough. He needs to deal with the sexual abuse with an experienced therapist.

Pressing him for details which should be shared with the therapist is not in his best interest. Best you can do is to be supportive and let the therapy unfold the issues for him. It may be difficult for you not to worry but remember that he will pick up your concerns and may try to help or protect you when he should be concentrating on himself.

All you can do is to report the info to Childline and let them do the investigation regarding his perpetrator. Does his father know he was involved with the step-sisters? If not, he may need to know in order to get them help.

It sounds like your parents are involved as well. They will need to just be supportive and not get too involved as it may make him feel like everybody knows his business. There is a lot of shame and guilt associated with sexual abuse. He needs to sort this out with a professional. Family members should not be pressing him for info or details. Treat him like the young teen he is. Feeling normal is important to reduce the sense of being damaged goods.

If you are in NC and the girls are in PA, it is unlikely he will "hold the bag" for anything he did to/with them. If anything, the older girl is older than he is and unless there was force involved, it is not likely that there would be any legal charges or action. States tend not to do cross jurisdiction prosecution. In any event, juvenile proceedings are for treatment, not punishment, especially for first time offenders and kids this young.
Ken
 
parkerv
When I was 11yo my abuse started, and it was boys who were barely 2 years older than me. The abuse stopped when I was 15 - 16yo.

I never said a word to anyone until I was 46yo, and experiencing many problems. I'm 53 this year and more or less sorted out.

So, you and your son are miles ahead of the game in many respects.
I'm no expert on how children react ( other than my own experiences ) or what therapies / treatments / supports work best. Possibly that is something best tailored to the child by experts.

With adults we see that it is generally pointless to drag us kicking and screaming into therapy, it's something that 'we' need to make a decision on, that way we do it for ourselves, and again that might well be different to how best deal with a child.

What we as adult survivors seem to thrive best with is good support and understanding from our partners, family and friends. And I see no reason that that aspect should be any different for kids.

You have every right to your anger, and I would never discourage you from expressing it and acting upon it. But I think that a 'supporters' anger has it's place, and it's away from the survivor.
I know my wife was angry about what happened to me and the way it affected both our lives, but she never let me witness her anger, she dealt with it somehow - sharing with her best friend I think - and left me to concentrate on my healing. If I had her anger to deal with as well it would have been one more thing for me to think about. And healing can be a very insular thing.

I'm sure you don't express your anger in front of your son, but kids do pick up on more than we sometimes think and they will sense the undercurrent.
So I'm not having a go at you, just passing on my thoughts.

Dave
 
Ken & Dave, Great insight and advice. The step sisters do live here in NC. The perpetrator moved to PA. My partner and I are trying really hard to deal right now. None of his routines have changed this weekend and we have been very supportive and I think said and done all the right things. It occured to me while we were having the conversation that every move I made and every word I said would be pivitol. I am and was mindful. I have taken several aimless rides today. Screaming and crying. I love the Indigo Girls and I am thinking of another midnight ride with them in the CD player.

His father does not know purposely today. I think it wise to locate a therapist and to speak to my attorney prior. I also am thinking about whether I need to cancel some of my work schedule to speak to him in person. I am most afraid of his response and him assigning this to Allan having a "gay" experience hinged on his curiosity around me being gay. Really, he would. I also want to control his response to Allan because from experience, he is full of rage and says and does things that cannot be taken back and his response is so important. Thinking I will invite him to a therapy appointment. I hate controlling anything with Allan with his dad as his dad controlled so much of us for so many years, but I will protect Allan from any further damage.

I have spoken to my two best friends--one who is a therapist for a referral and my parents--who we are all very close to. I will keep the rest quiet outside of therapy. Allan has been in therapy before and I think he enjoyed it. But clearly he needs someone who is going to cut through his silence and get to the chase of things. I know you're saying all in his own time AND he will talk if he knows that he is ok, not bad, not to blame, etc.
 
Hi. It's been a little over a week so I thought I would post an update.

I interviewed a slew of therapists and decided on one with over 20 years of experience. I might note that I did leave a message for the therapist in North Carolina posted on this website and did not get a call back. We see him Wednesday of this week.

The one surprising thing was when I called my attorney--who is a brilliant legal mind--advised me of a shocking solution. Or non solution as it may be. We wrangled over the predicament and me said, "As a friend Parker, I would advise you to tell him that we are going to keep this in our home and not speak of it outside of the home again." Yikes. Needless to say, I will not be taking the advice. This is not something we can sweep under the carpet.

The therapist said that DSS would come to his office to do the assessment and report. We are very concerned that DSS will also be assessing our home, even though none of this happened here and we do not have minors here either. I'm in North Carolina and it's a bastian of bias. I don't want to end up on the defense because he lives in a home with lesbian mothers. We are very afraid that they will not see all the progress he has made this year, or the fact that this is the same home he was able to reviel this horrifying event in.

So we go forward. We are afraid, but we are hopeful. Thank you for all of your support. My partner and I have read and reread your posts repeatedly over the last week and we are ever so grateful.
 
Parker, I understand your fears, but if North Carolina is anything like it is up here, they probably have too much real abuse and not enough resources to handle it, to go after you and your partner. At least I will be hoping that is the case.

I will be hoping that things work out at the therapist's office too.

SAR
 
Parker,

My heart goes out to you and your partner. It's absurd that these days the opportunity for a loving home is overruled by prejudice against same-sex couples.

I would just like to underline something that was said above. Your son is not doomed. It was so important that all this came out, and now what he will need above all else is to know that he is believed, that he is still wanted and loved, and that he is not blamed. Once he is sure of that, all else immediately becomes possible.

Much love,
Larry
 
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