help for a friend recently assaulted

[ataloss]

I ( a female) am hoping for a little insight. My best friend is an Adult Gay male who has been with this man for 11 years. They recently broke up and his partner moved out. a few days later his partner broke in to the home, let himself upstairs and my friend awoke to being raped.

I was the first person my friend called and I will never ever get the sound of his voice out of my head. He did go thru the shock and the anger and the fear of it. I helped him change the locks and secure himself so this wouldn't happen again.

well after almost 2 months my friend has decided to let this man move back in to the house. According to my friend it is easier than being alone. When asked if he has any feelings for this man he says he feels nothing. He is numb and that is it.

I feel absolutely disgusted at this man. I believe he belongs in Jail. Even more than that I don't understand how my friend can let this man in to the house..not to mention be physical with him again.

When I brought up my concerns with my best friend...He said that his partner was seeing a therapist and a sexual therapist.He told me rape wasn't the same thing to men as it is to woman. And that I need to find a way to forgive the man who attacked him so that we could remain friends and so we all can be in a social situation comfortably.

I want to be a good friend but this just feels wrong to me. I am really afraid for my friends emotional and spiritual well being because he doesn't seem to really be dealing with this. Obviously I can't make him deal with it. But I feel like even if I pretend to be ok with his partner...in the long run I may be attributing to my friends pain in this situation.

I guess my question is...A) am I overreacting? B) How do I help my friend...follow his wishes? Or follow my instincts and let him know although I love him I can't support a choice that could truly hurt him in the long run?

For me it's like seeing a friend just get run over by a train...get up and tie himself back down on the tracks.

Any insight at all would be amazing.
Thank you
ataloss

 

[TRACYUK]

Hi ataloss, I have no insight as such but I think youre gut instincts are spot on. Your friend was raped, that man is a rapist and should be avoided if not prosecuted. I don't think you are overreacting and just as your friend wants you to be in his life on his terms I think you have every right to ask to be in on your own terms ie; finding a way to still be in your friends life without having any contact with the rapist.

Good luck that sounds difficult.

Tracy

 

[ataloss]

Thank you for taking the time to write. Hopefully with a little time things will get better for him and give him a different prespective.

ataloss

 

[roadrunner]

Ataloss,

What these events show to me is an image of a guy with some serious self-esteem problems. The rape and the way the rapist just moved back in awhile later suggest that things aren't so simple as they may look to an outsider.

It looks to me like the real problem is that the relationship is just very unhealthy for your friend. He is allowing himself to be treated very badly for no reason, and as a friend you might want to ask him to consider the idea that he is worth a whole lot better than this.

The problem, as always, is that having been traumatized by the rape he may not be willing to listen to you. That will be frustrating for you, but the bopttom line is that only person who can get help is the one who wants it and agrees to accept it.

Much love,
Larry