Help end the misery

Help end the misery
A

apc195

New Registrant
This is my first message and I'm fairly new on this website. I've actually taken the time to write this just to keep me out of the porn sites on the internet. I was pretty brutally abused by a neighborhood kid both sexually and emotionally by being made to do things a 6 year old or anyone should have to take. It went on for a year then again by a cousin. I'm also very new to dealing with my feelings on this and am finding it very hard even to write now without major feelings of anger. The biggest factor affected 40 years later in my life is I'm sure not new to anyone in the same circumstance, is the intimacy factor with my wife. She understands and is looking forward to me getting help here but its so unfair to her and I feel completely helpless. Its not that I don't want to be or feel close, but I am so addicted to gay porn on here that it doesn't help at all I know. I sit here and look at the websites but not really aroused by it and don't masterbate usually with it but its always there. Why a male body "turns me on" after the child abuse? I wish I had the answer because it probably would help before this marriage falls apart. Any feedback is appreciated and helpful. Thanks in advance for it. Alan
 
The addiction with Gay Porn is normal, I think it has something to do with wanting to understand the abuse better. I know I have had times where the porn reminded me of the abuse.

It gets better, slowly but it does.

Jason
 
Hey.......at least you found somebody that was willing to share her life with you, you have accomplished more than I have already.

I'm about to see a therapist, I suggest that you do the same as well. I've tried to help myself, thinking that I could do it...........by myself. I found out recently that most survivors of childhood sexual abuse run into the same walls of confunsion, anxiety, and emotional turmoil, (to put in mildly), that I have.

I thought that I could put it "in the past", but I can't. It's affecting me in ways that I can't describe without pain. Look for my posts if you want to see where I'm coming from.
 
Alan,

I know what you mean about the porn, been there done that. I have also found it to be a total waste of time. This web site on the other hand is very productive. I don't even have a desire fore porn anymore. Thanks to spending time here with friends.

Hang in there, and welcome!

Darrel
 
Alan
that's been my problem as well, but I'm getting past it.

We look at gay porn in some kind of effort to understand what went on, it's a very strange deal.

I saw my use of gay porn and eventual acting out with strange men as something that "I needed to do" at that time, I was confused sexually - even after 25 years of marriage.

Now I see it as trying to identify with the abuse by seeking control over the sex acts that were done to me.
I had no control as a boy, even though I 'acted' willing after a while.
That was also a source of great confusion, and my effort at sorting it out was to attempt to recreate the abuse on MY TERMS.

Of course it didn't work, and I only discovered that truth through therapy, which is something I recommend.

As others ahve said this problem isn't uncommon, but it's also something we can do something about.
It's not easy, and definitly won't happen overnight.
But it's perfectly possible, and worth every bit of effort.

Dave
 
Alan,

To what Dave says about "acting out" the abuse, only this time being in control, I wonder if this is also a problem because for many guys abuse was their introduction to sex. They were groomed and rewarded for good performances and blamed and punished for less stellar episodes. To have it drummed (or beaten) into you at a young age that your worth as a boy comes down to this would be a powerful influence in later life.

Much love,
Larry
 
Alan,
It can change - you have got to believe that. I would also recommend finding a good therapist to help you. Unfortunately, most of us wait to we hit "rock bottom" before we reach out for help. Sounds to me like you have an understanding wife and that alone is very priceless. I have heard of many wives who pick up and leave when they find out the secrets that are going on inside the male survivor husbands. Keep reaching out for help, you are not alone. I also want to encourage you to face the fear and anger that is coming up in you - I know and everyone else here would probably agree - Running looks good, but only prolongs the help and getting better.

I am truly sorry for what happened to you as a child by your neighbor.

It takes a lot of courage to begin to face everything and deal with things you have been trying to forget for these past forty years...

Keep up the good work,
Rivers
 
Been there, and been there, and been there. It's part of the vicious cycle of getting turned on by something seemingingly really exciting, only to feel so alone and disconnected from your true self after you're done.
Please know that you are not alone with your struggle. Yes, a good therapist is really aplace where you can understand what triggers your need to go to the porn sites and get lost in that numbness. Be patient and honest with yourself and know that this will take time to sort through.
Peace
 
Originally posted by Roderick:
Been there, and been there, and been there. It's part of the vicious cycle of getting turned on by something seemingingly really exciting, only to feel so alone and disconnected from your true self after you're done.
Please know that you are not alone with your struggle. Yes, a good therapist is really aplace where you can understand what triggers your need to go to the porn sites and get lost in that numbness. Be patient and honest with yourself and know that this will take time to sort through.
Peace
Click to expand...
 
APC
Rivers is right
Running looks good, but only prolongs the help and getting better.
Click to expand...
And anyway, we can't run fast enough to escape.

My view is that dealing with our crap head on is as good a way as any, however painfull and hard it might seem at the time the alternative of waiting for crap to go away on its own doesn't work. Well, it didn't work for me anyway.
By taking the easy option and thinking that time will heal we only put off the inevitable, and often allow our dysfunctional behaviours to become far worse than they already are.
About 10 or 12 years ago I didn't think that there would be a natural progression from using gay porn to having sex with strangers in public toilets, it just never occured to me.
But I can see that progression now.

Don't be scared, it's not 100% certain that this progression happens, but it happened to me and I now know that I could have changed the path of my life many years ago if circumstances had been different.

One other thing I always recommend to people using porn is - don't beat yourself up over it.
We have inherited ( wrongly ) much guilt and shame from our abuser(s) - and the use of porn is just one other inheritance we live with.
So we don't want yet more guilt and shame do we? So why feel it after using porn?

Of course we want to stop using it, and we can.
Or at least cut it right back. I very rarely use gay porn anymore, although I sometimes use straight porn now, and I don't mind that. ( although I do realise that it is still exploitation etc and not a 'good thing' however I look at it )
But my attitude to porn is "so what?" - and with that attitude I have removed the guilt and shame, which in turn has also removed another hidden, and for me far stronger, feeling regarding its use.
The secrecy surrounding porn was a great source of excitement for me, the whole image the search for perfect porn created in my head excited me in a way that liked. And how easy is that? 'click - click - click' and you're there.
No emotional involvment, no effort, and all the good feelings. Too easy.

I've lost that excitement now, there is no longer any thrill in searching ( endlessly and fruitlessly ) for the perfect porn.
The secrecy fed the guilt and shame, and vice verse. Break that cycle and the porn holds less of a grip on you, it has less meaning and fades away.

If my wife asks what I'm looking at now and I happen to be looking at porn then I tell the truth, and get the telling off!! :rolleyes:

Dave
 
Alan,

The guys before me have pretty much said it all. Been there.

I've found tho, that being very honest with myself and doing the hard work in facing the facts of my abuse and dealing with the way it screwed up my thinking and my self worth has had the added bonus of making porn a non-issue for me. While I wasn't looking (no pun intended), while I was focused on trying to make sense of other very difficult and painful things, the healing began, and with it the need for porn and acting out subsided and vanished.

I like Dave's attitude
If my wife asks what I'm looking at now and I happen to be looking at porn then I tell the truth, and get the telling off!! :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
That sort of thing would definitely have the effect of "cooling your jets" so to speak. Sort of remove the fun if there ever really was any.

Honesty with yourself and those you love can be a very healing thing.

Lots of love,

John
 
That's exactly right John, porn has lost it's mystery and thrill, it's a non-event.

I still like to see pretty girls, and if they're naked then it's even better. They just look good to me, as they do to gazzillions of men all araound the world. But hard core porn, of any kind, has lost it's appeal.

Dave
 
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