Help 4 Hubby & me...
Hello,
This is my first time here and I am looking for help with my husband. Although, I was also sexually abused by my uncles friend at age 4, I have been to therapy and worked through it, for the most part. This is about my husband. Sorry about the long winded story but I know how long, when, and how it was handled play a large role in healing.
So here goes his story, at least what I know, which is from my husband's aunt, the one who exposed the molester, her father.
My husband is the youngest of 4 children. One brother, the oldest, followed by 2 sisters. They were all molested by their paternal grandfather, Chester the molester. Really his name was Chester. He died a few years ago.
The molesting went on for as long as they can remember. No one did anything or reported it to the police. One day when my husband was around 9 I think and after many years of being molested and never uttering a word, my husband was in the basement and heard the youngest sister (11 yrs old) calling him in a scared voice. They all had an unspoken rule, NEVER BE ALONE WITH GRANDPA! My husband darted up the stairs and he and his sister left. They finally told their mother that night. She asked Grandpa about it and he said he was talking to her about smoking or something ridiculous. They didn't tell their mother about all the abuse just that one time. Grandpa left and never came back to work on the house anymore, which was his excuse for being there all the time. But, he did come around still just not as often.
Now, that was the end of it until my husbands aunt (18 yrs) came to the family and asked my husband and his siblings about it. She was shocked when she heard it was everyone of them., She then told them it had been happening to her for her whole life. They discussed it with the parents and guess what nothing happen. My husband's father didn't confront him, threaten to kill him.......NOTHING!
The aunt says she remembers it happening to my husbands father as well but he still won't acknowledge anything. They all shut down.
Although, the aunt did confront him alone and told him he would never lay a hand on any of them again.
From what she says he felt as if he was entitled to it. They all belonged to him and "he was only teaching them about sex".
The few things my husband has said is, he only remembers one time that he was little and grandpa was touching him in the basement. He was around 6. The only other thing he will say is the story about his sister yelling for her and he wishes he could have saved them. Now, from my husband's symptoms, complete emotional shut down, lack of emotion, no boundaries-allows everyone to walk all over him, excessive alcohol & drug use as a teen, poor self-esteem, flashbacks and much more, this did not happen just once.
Also, when my husband was an older teen he had pin up girl posters on the wall in his room and grandpa came in and said oh that one reminds me of your sister....Bastard!
From the aunt, apparently he never penetrated but a lot of kissing with the girls, looking & touching them all, showing them his penis and from my brother in law, grandpa would give him oral sex. The oldest sister got it the worst. He would get in the shower with them everyday. This happen EVERYDAY! My brother in law is 40 and still doesn't shower much.......maybe once a week. Thanks goodness my husband isn't like that. Poor guy.
Grandpa came to holidays like nothing happen. When I met Grandpa the first time it was Thanksgivi9ng at my husband's mother's house and I knew nothing at this point, my husband and I were only dating a short period of time. As a matter of fact, I didn't find out for several more years when the aunt came to visit. The aunt married a military man and moved all over the world for years.
They all talked to him like nothing, everyone smiled and I never knew a thing until Grandpa was looking at my shirt which had some writing on it from a Melissa Ethridge concert and asked my what it said.....now my husband is very quite and doesn't say much, everything rolls off his back, Says, DON"T LOOK AT HER! Loudly and aggressively, I was shocked. Later I asked him and he said oh he's just an old pervert and that was the end of it.
Ok anyway why I am here is because my husband and I are madly in love with each other after 12 yrs but he can't open him self up. He still doesn't trust me. I don't push but I feel very lonely because he doesn't express him self. He can't truly share himself with me. Oh we have fantastic sex and always have but he never discusses the flashbacks or anything. I figured them out because once I asked him what he thinks about during sex, like his fantasies, etc and he said I can only think about the feeling or I'll think about grandpa.
Last night, I told my husband I understand why it is so hard for him to be intimate that I finally did more research and read what everyone was saying. He smiled and said I want to be open I just can't. He said he just 'fades to black' when we discuss it.
The bottom line is the more he realizes he must heal to truly be with me, he pushes us (his family) away, quietly & gently. He has lots of work and then golf or fishing. Which I love he has a great work ethic and hobbies but he can never find the balance.
And my biggest complaint would be the passive-aggressive behavior. If I piss him off he won't say it and then the next day come home late and/or drunk.
Any advice? Please email me.
Many blessings,
Kim
This is my first time here and I am looking for help with my husband. Although, I was also sexually abused by my uncles friend at age 4, I have been to therapy and worked through it, for the most part. This is about my husband. Sorry about the long winded story but I know how long, when, and how it was handled play a large role in healing.
So here goes his story, at least what I know, which is from my husband's aunt, the one who exposed the molester, her father.
My husband is the youngest of 4 children. One brother, the oldest, followed by 2 sisters. They were all molested by their paternal grandfather, Chester the molester. Really his name was Chester. He died a few years ago.
The molesting went on for as long as they can remember. No one did anything or reported it to the police. One day when my husband was around 9 I think and after many years of being molested and never uttering a word, my husband was in the basement and heard the youngest sister (11 yrs old) calling him in a scared voice. They all had an unspoken rule, NEVER BE ALONE WITH GRANDPA! My husband darted up the stairs and he and his sister left. They finally told their mother that night. She asked Grandpa about it and he said he was talking to her about smoking or something ridiculous. They didn't tell their mother about all the abuse just that one time. Grandpa left and never came back to work on the house anymore, which was his excuse for being there all the time. But, he did come around still just not as often.
Now, that was the end of it until my husbands aunt (18 yrs) came to the family and asked my husband and his siblings about it. She was shocked when she heard it was everyone of them., She then told them it had been happening to her for her whole life. They discussed it with the parents and guess what nothing happen. My husband's father didn't confront him, threaten to kill him.......NOTHING!
The aunt says she remembers it happening to my husbands father as well but he still won't acknowledge anything. They all shut down.
Although, the aunt did confront him alone and told him he would never lay a hand on any of them again.
From what she says he felt as if he was entitled to it. They all belonged to him and "he was only teaching them about sex".
The few things my husband has said is, he only remembers one time that he was little and grandpa was touching him in the basement. He was around 6. The only other thing he will say is the story about his sister yelling for her and he wishes he could have saved them. Now, from my husband's symptoms, complete emotional shut down, lack of emotion, no boundaries-allows everyone to walk all over him, excessive alcohol & drug use as a teen, poor self-esteem, flashbacks and much more, this did not happen just once.
Also, when my husband was an older teen he had pin up girl posters on the wall in his room and grandpa came in and said oh that one reminds me of your sister....Bastard!
From the aunt, apparently he never penetrated but a lot of kissing with the girls, looking & touching them all, showing them his penis and from my brother in law, grandpa would give him oral sex. The oldest sister got it the worst. He would get in the shower with them everyday. This happen EVERYDAY! My brother in law is 40 and still doesn't shower much.......maybe once a week. Thanks goodness my husband isn't like that. Poor guy.
Grandpa came to holidays like nothing happen. When I met Grandpa the first time it was Thanksgivi9ng at my husband's mother's house and I knew nothing at this point, my husband and I were only dating a short period of time. As a matter of fact, I didn't find out for several more years when the aunt came to visit. The aunt married a military man and moved all over the world for years.
They all talked to him like nothing, everyone smiled and I never knew a thing until Grandpa was looking at my shirt which had some writing on it from a Melissa Ethridge concert and asked my what it said.....now my husband is very quite and doesn't say much, everything rolls off his back, Says, DON"T LOOK AT HER! Loudly and aggressively, I was shocked. Later I asked him and he said oh he's just an old pervert and that was the end of it.
Ok anyway why I am here is because my husband and I are madly in love with each other after 12 yrs but he can't open him self up. He still doesn't trust me. I don't push but I feel very lonely because he doesn't express him self. He can't truly share himself with me. Oh we have fantastic sex and always have but he never discusses the flashbacks or anything. I figured them out because once I asked him what he thinks about during sex, like his fantasies, etc and he said I can only think about the feeling or I'll think about grandpa.
Last night, I told my husband I understand why it is so hard for him to be intimate that I finally did more research and read what everyone was saying. He smiled and said I want to be open I just can't. He said he just 'fades to black' when we discuss it.
The bottom line is the more he realizes he must heal to truly be with me, he pushes us (his family) away, quietly & gently. He has lots of work and then golf or fishing. Which I love he has a great work ethic and hobbies but he can never find the balance.
And my biggest complaint would be the passive-aggressive behavior. If I piss him off he won't say it and then the next day come home late and/or drunk.
Any advice? Please email me.
Many blessings,
Kim
