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Quixote770

New Registrant
Hello: I am a 64-year-old man. I have been married for 40 years and have four adult children. I have had a successful career for 40 years. I had regular sexual relations with a 35-year-old man in my neighborhood for two years between the time I was 11 and 13. I have always remembered the experience very clearly and never considered it abuse because I consented to it. My Dad was an alcoholic and was in and out of mental hospitals, we had no money and I really craved adult male attention. Sex was the price of the attention. All these years I have just accepted what happened as an event that was worse that what some have experienced but far better than what many others have (e.g., suffering through the Holocaust, revolutions, physical beatings/abuse etc.). Since I was in my mid-20s, after our first child was born, I have been a compulsive porn user, attending adult bookstores, strip clubs and in the last five or so years on the Internet where I have really turbocharged my use. At the end of March 2020, I concluded that I was out of control with respect to my porn use and joined a 12 step program and told my wife about my problem. My wife knew about my adolescent sexual experiences because I had told her when we were 18, but I gave her more details about my experience at the time of my disclosing my porn use. Since April 2020, I have had periods of sobriety lasting as long as 15 months but I am currently relapsing and find it extremely hard to stay sober from watching porn. I am hoping that participating in this group, along with continued 12-step work and therapy, will help me process some of these issues and give me the ability to choose to stop watching porn. Thank you for providing the site.
 

MO-Survivor

Staff member
Thank you for being here, @Quixote770. You seem to have your goals in order and much kudos for taking action to change. I would highly encourage you, if you aren't doing so already, to find a good therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma and CSA. Therapy is the best and quickest way to get to the root issues that allow porn, masturbation and other behaviors to keep their power over you. Once that power is broken by understanding, empathy toward your young self, and healing, you already have a group to help you make the right choices with respect to behaviors. We need both in our lives!
 

ODAT

Registrant
Hello Quixote770,
Welcome to MS!
Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve come to a good, safe place. I am 64 and was abused for 9 months by a 14 year old boy. In my late 20-40’s I developed a gambling and stronger porn addiction. I went to adult book stores and also got addicted to male porn. At first I looked at male-female porn but slowly gravitated to also looking at all male porn. Late in my 20’s I started providing sex to older married men. I never understood why I did this as I did not remember (back then) much of my abuse. I am a heterosexual married male. Not telling my wife before we married about the men I was with has put a wedge in our marriage. My wife thinks I’m bi (I’m not.) The trust is gone and it’s a long road to recovery. What I learned is my erotic template was shaped by my first sexual experiences which happened to be with men. So for me those sexual experiences were just another part of sex for me. After that I was addicted to porn at 9 and struggled with this for many years. So I understand the porn addiction came from my sexual abuse. Yours may have too. The 12 step program may help. Give it a chance. I’m avoiding porn pretty well right now and the wonderful men on this site are giving me the courage to do that. We all have different paths to the abuse that got us here. You may think you consented to the abuse but you were 11! That is a minor and what was done to you was criminal. Don’t ever blame yourself for it. I too craved attention as a boy and perhaps my abuser sensed it. That’s probably why I sought out father figures for sex, men who were about 20 years older than me. My self-worth was shot after what happened at 8. So I felt if I could please these older men, it would make me feel wanted and happy. So I totally understand the dynamics of an 11 year old with a 35 year old. But he was wrong to do that. I’m sorry you’re struggling with your porn addiction. A lot of us on this site can relate to that!
Take care of yourself and love the little boy, you, who was abused. He did the best he could…
 

Quixote770

New Registrant
Thanks @ODAT for your comments and kind words. I have a very similar sexual template history. I also started looking at male-female porn and have gravitated to looking at all male porn. It is quite likely that my template was formed or at least heavily influenced by my early sexual experience with the 35-year-old and that is why now look at gay porn exclusively. My wife has been very understanding. I told her that I do watch gay porn. She told me that she can't hold against me what is in my mind but that acting out on these desires with a man would be cheating just the same. I totally agree and want very much to finish out my days being as good a husband as I can be to my wife. I will continue working on the 12 steps and therapy to try and achieve this goal.
 

ODAT

Registrant
Thanks @ODAT for your comments and kind words. I have a very similar sexual template history. I also started looking at male-female porn and have gravitated to looking at all male porn. It is quite likely that my template was formed or at least heavily influenced by my early sexual experience with the 35-year-old and that is why now look at gay porn exclusively. My wife has been very understanding. I told her that I do watch gay porn. She told me that she can't hold against me what is in my mind but that acting out on these desires with a man would be cheating just the same. I totally agree and want very much to finish out my days being as good a husband as I can be to my wife. I will continue working on the 12 steps and therapy to try and achieve this goal.

Quixote770,
I share a similar situation with my wife. If I go out to have sex with another man, our marriage would end. I’ve invested 17 years in it and I love her. Unfortunately I also feel the pull of acting out. Porn doesn’t help. BUT the men on this site have helped me to stay strong. We are not alone in this and I am thankful for that. Some days the feelings are stronger than others. Take it like my name ODAT (One Day at a Time.) I wish you all the best! Take care.
 
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