New Registrant
Hello. I joined back in March and was warmly greeted by a moderator,but I stopped coming pretty quickly-one person was talking in a manner that I was concerned was triggering for me and I found an abundance of pain here and I just couldn’t deal with it.
The physical abuse I suffered was a very long time ago,although I still greatly suffer from my emotional abuse. I see an exceptional therapist,but she has a very lenient policy and I almost always end up cancelling my appointments. My therapist specializes in men who have been abused. For years I saw male therapists-most of my life and I was hugely abusive of them. The last one I saw I was so abusive that I’m surprised he never kicked me out of his office. I was very very difficult with him,always like a child having a tantrum. It was suggested to me to stop seeing men because my rage was uncontrollable. But just writing this I realize I was so full of rage because I was repeatedly abused by a male therapist when I was a boy. I have never made the connection before.
I suffer from depression and the worst rage and I always seeking out arrangements that are unhealthy and hurting. I don’t know how to change nor understand why I continue to be the way I am.I am always looking for inappropriate men to rescue me. My rage is very destructive and painful,as are my inappropriate relationships. My therapist wants to begin discussing trauma with me,but I just can’t go there it’s too terrifying.
Thank-you for listening.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. You must be a courageous man if you were abused by a therapist and have had the courage to go back to therapy. Much respect.

After three months of counseling, my T asked at the end of a session if I would be willing to talk about the abuse at our next session. I have never felt a "flight" response kick in so fast. It was all I could do to stay in his office. Talking about the abuse was the most courageous thing I have ever done. I told him last week that the day I first talked about the abuse is the most pivotal day of my life. It was the day I began to break free from the gravitational pull of the abuse around which my life had orbited. After I told him what happened, we were quiet. And I realized that for the first time in my life I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt like my counselor was with my younger self when it happened. It was the beginning of the road to freedom.

I am also struck by what you said about your rage. I too felt rage, but I directed it inward at my younger self. Last year I wrote him a letter telling him that the abuse was his fault and that he deserved it. I described all the ways I would torture and kill him if I could. Last week I welcomed him home. I told him that I loved him and told him how precious he is. I told him that he didn't deserve it and it wasn't his fault.

There is healing from the abuse. And there is freedom from the rage. But I am not going to lie, it is a pretty tough journey. But I am glad I have been on that journey. I like who I am becoming.

I wish you strength for your journey.
At the heart of our healing Aaron is the willingness to find compassion for ourselves. It is easy to get lost in shame and self-hatred. Sexual trauma can be incredibly confusing. Shame is easy to find and that can morph into anger at oneself. But we are viewing the trauma through the eyes and mind of an adult who has capacities that simply did not exist for those boys. I was raped at 7 and told if I said anything they'd tell everyone I was a girl. I know that was a mind fuck but to that little boy who was afraid of what was happening at home it was more than enough to keep him quiet. Should I denigrate him for not being stronger, for not resisting the attack by the adult male? I could but that would simply be compounding the suffering. Healing is hard work and this is a wonderful place to secure support as we unpack these painful memories. Please be gentle with yourself Aaron. Tell the truth to the best of your ability and care for yourself every way you can... and trust that doing so with support will help ease the pain. You are not alone with any of this my friend. And please remember... nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma was your fault. You have eternally been innocent. You may have caused suffering during your life for yourself and those around you, but all you've ever been doing was trying to survive using the only tools available to you. Now is time to begin healing.

The Bluefoot

Hello Aaron, welcome back and thanks for trying us again. Not everyone you will get along with the same in life. And you don't have to talk to all of us. I only Joined in May of this year. I have dealt with being anger issues most of my life. If you read my stories you see. But we are here tp help you on the road to healing. What Visitor said about for giving yourself, and learn to love yourself is the hardest thing to do in life but needed to do. I have not done that myself thou I know it needs to be done. I have for given Many people in my life who have done bad things, and many friends., People who are RSO's who I knew before and after they became RSO's Even 2 of 5 who abused me, but I have not for gave me yet for the things I have done to others. But I am working on it. I had a super bad temper as a child and teen and was super hard to raise as a child gave my parents hell I understand that and now I live in hell for it. But we can all work on getting better. We are human not prefect.

If you ever want to talk I am a good listener and never judge. Good luc in your healing journey.