Thank you. Malesurvivor is a God send. Let me give you some background in a form of some creative writing I am doing for self therapy-
I would run as fast as I could as she walked slowly and methodically toward me without emotion or expression. That’s how death looked in my nightmare. As a seven year old, this nightmare terrified me. The most terrifying part of my dream was my muteness. I could not talk or communicate with anyone I would pass as I ran for my life; I could not tell the secret. All she had to do was touch me and I would die.
No matter how fast I would run or where I would hide, eventually I could feel her presence, look up and there she would be, reaching toward me with the touch of death. I was defiant in my dream and refused to go to the depths of hell easily so I would find a way out of my delima and run, trying desperately to seek help but no one could hear. No one could understand me because I could not tell the secret.
Eventually, I would be faced with a terrifying delima. A mountain cliff on one side of me and death slowly and methodically walking toward on the other side. But I was defiant and would not let death take me easy so in a desperate attempt to escape I would jump off of the cliff. I would fall at the speed of light to my doom. But, right as I braced to feel the pain of hitting the ground, I would awake. Terrified and confused, I would awake.
Finally, I would be able to fall back asleep but would be dumped into the nightmare again. I would run but not hide. I could not speak or communicate for help. I was in danger and no one could help me. I would see a train rumbling down the track and in an attempt to seperate myself from death would try to beat the train. But, I don't outrun the train. Right as I am about to be hit by a speeding train, I would awake in terror and sweat.
One of the few memories I have of my childhood is being so terrified to go back to sleep that I would sing, dance and whatever else I could do to stay awake. Unfortunately, I was not the only one being kept awake. After trying to talk me to sleep, my mother would punish me. A whipping did put me to sleep. But, it also left me with a life long, unconscious hatred and distrust of my mother who forced me back into my nightmare and who I thought set me up to have my innocence ripped from my spirit through sexual molestation.